Is it me?

[AllAboutMargot]

I came home from a day of volunteering. My H had been busy with DIY and had made some steps for the garden decking.

The steps looked great but when I came to use them there was an obvious fault in the design that makes them awkward to use. He asked me what I thought of the steps. I said they looked great but had he made a mistake with the measurements?
We went out to have a look and he denied point blank what I could see with my own eyes. I said that if he'd paid someone to do it he would have insisted they came back to put it right.

He flipped, shouting at me to get out of the house, saying "f**k you", and that I was ungrateful for his hard work. I wasn't surprised because he always reacts like this when I say or do something that might dent his sky high self esteem.

I'm always praising him for working so hard and for what he's achieved and that's the truth.

I'm just fed up of it. The same thing happened a few weeks ago but the outburst went on much longer.

I’m inclined to say no, it’s not you it’s him. But mainly because I have to navigate my own DH a bit. He’s not abusive or sulky but he takes stuff to heart when really I wish he’d just accept what I’m saying. And this sounds like a perfect example of that… lying isn’t going to help anyone here! I’ve tried to do that and end up bottling things up which then explode out when I’m angry later down the line. So unless you said it like an absolute cow… no, I think it’s him in the wrong here.

Oh and anger is one thing, but “fuck you” is awful. He shouldn’t be saying that to his wife!

He told you to get out of your own house?

it sounds like he has a massive but fragile ego and self esteem issues that he needs to sort out instead of taking them out on you. He needs constant praise, I’m guessing you walk on eggshells with him.

I said they looked great but had he made a mistake with the measurements?
We went out to have a look and he denied point blank what I could see with my own eyes. I said that if he'd paid someone to do it he would have insisted they came back to put it right.

He had been working his arse off all day and didn't think the issue was a big deal so you were horrible to him about it.

I think you were unnecessarily mean and should have just left it if you couldn't make a helpful suggestion as to how to improve the issue.

God forbid if we don’t pander and overly praise a manchild who has ‘done a thing’ even if he’s ballsed it up…
…and then been verbally abusive! Jeez 🙄

@UWhatNow I never suggested overly praising him. He told her to fuck off because she was telling him he'd messed up repeatedly when he didn't think there was an issue. 6 of one...

Ok, I don't think I was mean. He knew he'd made a mistake, he probably thought I wouldn't notice. The thing is, I'm always telling him (and others) about what a hard worker he is and how much I appreciate that. If I can't just make a genuine comment about a piece of work without him flying off the handle that's not right, is it? I don't know, is it me?

I think telling him the steps didn't work very well and they'd be better if he could do x or y is fine.

Asking him if he'd got the measurements wrong is a bit PA.

“If I can't just make a genuine comment about a piece of work without him flying off the handle that's not right, is it? I don't know, is it me?”

It’s not right. You are not wrong. But so many women have ingrained misogyny that fracturing a man’s precious ego and not speaking to him in a quiet silky voice praising his efforts is considered more of a crime than him verbally abusing you.