I can't believe it's taken me this long to work out - I'm sure my mum has NPD

[Knotnowdear]

She was always very critical of me as a child and didn't show too much interest in me, preferring men. She moved a "lodger" who was actually a boyfriend into our family home when I was around 11 and proceeded to play Dad off against him.

I moved out at 18 and pretty much stayed low contact, she never reached out to me. I did an experiment once, that was to see how long it would be before she contacted me - no arguments, I was quite dutiful, albeit frustrated by the random man in my house, and it was 5 years. I subsequently moved overseas and have been gone for more than 25 years.

I'm back in the UK now and she has been ill after quite a large operation, so I've just spent the last 3 months supporting her in her home. For this I had to leave DD behind during her A levels (DD is close to 20 due to our relocation so not as bad as this may sound). It's been an absolute nightmare. I work a 10-12 hour day running a large global team and support DD on my own financially.

She spent the whole time criticizing me. I wasn't available to her, I was rubbish at looking after her garden, the food wasn't good enough, I'm terrible with men (her obsession), she was too worried to ask me for something during the day, the bed isn't made correctly, the hallway needed hoovering, I was over-watering/under-watering - it was relentless. I was trying to run two houses, DD remotely and my day job and rushing out between Zooms to offer her water, run to grab prescriptions, dash to M&S during "lunch", make home made food etc and it was incredibly stressful. The slightest twinge involved me taking her to the doctor for a 1-2 hour round trip during the working day and they would without fail say there was nothing wrong.

After 3 months I set up a team of carers to visit her every day at a not inconsiderable cost. Her sister is there with her now for a week - able to give her attention all day - and all of a sudden she can open the dishwasher, can walk her dog, is eating, feels she is getting better and "what on earth are those carers going to do every day". I feel literally murderous. She made a good number of tinkly laugh jabs about how shit I was while I was up there this evening while lapping up all the attention her sister can devote to her.

Also, while I was up there I did another little test - I mentioned I was getting chest pains, which I am. She completely dismissed it and hasn't mentioned it since. I need to get to the GP.

Oh and she's only got photos of Dad, "Lodger" and the most recent boyfriend up. yes, the one she met at "Lodgers" funeral. She's 79 and these three months have been the longest I've been with her since I was 18.

Thoughts? NPD or just somebody difficult?

Hate to say it op but the bigger issue is your own codependency. She's trained you like a lap dog so easily. Years you were free of her and now she's clicked her fingers, you've come running. Why? She's never really been family to you by the sounds of things.

Cancel the carers. Forget any inheritance she nay have promised, it probably wouldn't happen anyway. Get out and drop contact again.

I don't really think it matters whether your parent has specific personality disorder or not. The point is that she is completely toxic, has never been there for you and is now again making your life a misery.

I think you need to do some serious thinking about whether getting entangled in her life again was the best decision.You had little contact with her for decades and she showed no interest in you and your family. She will never change.

My advice would be to step back again and resume your life and focus on your work and your daughter. Not to saddle yourself with caring for someone who will never be anything but a drain on your physical and mental health out of misplaced ''duty'' for a parent who themselves failed to be a decent mother.

Let the local authority assess her needs for more support and stop paying for carers yourself and resume low contact. You might also want to move somewhere in the UK which is a fair distance from your mother and any other enabling relative so you can live your life in peace for the sake of your own mental and physical health.

Parents like your mother are very good at using their children and other family members when they are basically caring and decent and guilt-trip them to feel bad about not supporting them when in fact that older person is still the same toxic blackhole who deserves none of that support in the first place.

I'd certainly consider dropping down the carers' visits to one a day or something, if she's happily hitting m&s etc now.

If you can afford the carer's bills, it's probably worth the money to fulfill any (misplaced) obligation you feel towards her and limit your own actual contact with her.

Thank you all. Many wise words here.

So the boundaries have been set, in that I've left and put carers in place. Now I need to make sure I'm not paying for carers for the sake of it. I'm newly back in the UK and am trying to maximise a deposit for a mortgage after I've been back 3 years, so this expense will definitely impact me in the long term.

For those asking, I think the "newly back in the UK" is why I immediately ran to heel when she became unwell. Over time I thought she might be a better person but she's clearly not.

You are all so right though - she didn't visit me when I had DD, even though she was in London at the time and she also didn't care when my appendix burst and I nearly died.

I need to go back to being as no contact as I was when I was overseas. It's just so hard to believe that a parent doesn't give a shit about you.

I have no idea how to set these boundaries though. I get the impression that her sister and her family think I'm an uncaring, inconsiderate daughter and that's hard as I don't really have much family. I think my uncle actually has her measure, but it would be difficult to reach out to him directly.

Give notice to the carers and tell her to apply for them and the money to employ them herself.

I have no idea how to set these boundaries though. I get the impression that her sister and her family think I'm an uncaring, inconsiderate daughter and that's hard as I don't really have much family. I think my uncle actually has her measure, but it would be difficult to reach out to him directly.

You've got to let go of caring what these people think of you. She's had years to poison the narrative about you, and she's the sort of person that no matter how much you did for her, it'll never be good enough, and she'll badmouth you.

Your mum's the one who didn't bother to contact you for 5 years, they're essentially her flying monkeys, just do what you're comfortable with and leave them to it.

This is spades. There is a possibility that your mum has been poisoning the well since before you were born! (I saw this with house mine was with some of her grandchildren!). There is nothing rational about this type of family dysfunction, and trying to tiptoe around it will just leave you frustrated.

However, having said that, be respectful, have clarity. Think of short sentences to describe the situation and say you don't want to explain beyond that.

Once my mum realised I had a measure of her, she didn't come to me to resolve the situation, she went to everyone else and got them on side with the most awful lies.

You have to make your own path, decide on your own priorities, talk clearly to people (this might be unusual in your family), work to your own boundaries and morals. TBH I know it is said everywhere and people are sick of hearing about it, but counselling was absolutely invaluable to me in my decision to go LC. It helped me consider my boundaries and how to set them.

Scrap the carers. She clearly doesn't need them.