DH and I - feels like we’ve lost our love

[Outsidealdi]

I don’t know what I’m expecting from this thread. But let me let it out, I’ll probably work some of it out just from getting it down.

We are both 42, one 2 year old, TTC, nothings happening yet (unsurprisingly at our age I suppose.)

Recently moved house. It’s been expensive, as we’re paying rent still. So some financial pressures. I do work but part time. I’m main carer for the toddler.

Im not enjoying his company at all. Everything feels like a dig, whether it is or not is hard to say. Things like to the toddler ‘your bedroom is a mess!’ I think that genuinely was just a jokey observation that the toddler is destructive but it’s hard to know as it’s all the time. I’m cooking and he turns a hob down, I’m driving and he’s telling me a car is coming or similar.

Im sure he is critical of me too, probably thinks I’m too flippant about finances which I accept. And probably I’m annoying in the same way everyone’s annoying. But I do give him space, he doesn’t for me.

He won’t discuss serious issues. He makes jokes or he deflects. So for instance because of TTC, I asked if he’d consider maybe assisted fertility if say nothing has happened by Christmas. Wouldn’t talk about it. Endless jokes about how he’d just have to keep having sex. Then eventually when I pushed started going on about money, discussion over.

Hes supposed to go to the office one day a week, we arranged he’d make one of these days my day off, now he’s decided this won’t happen. I’m really irritated by this as I’d have asked for different days at work, if I’d known.

a lot of this is petty. But can anyone suggest a way forward. It’s impossible to have a proper conversation with him.

Relationship counselling if you can afford it. One toddler and trying for another is a super tough time in a relationship, and if you get a second one then you really want your relationship on solid foundations - good quality professional counselling will help with this.

Thanks for your reply.

There is no way I’d get DH to see a counsellor and I must admit it’s not something I really want to explore myself.

I found counselling brutal and not helpful...... but I accept I'm in an MN minority on this!

I'd take a break on the TTC in honesty. You're not in a good place to bring another child into a relationship that's already buckling under the strain. Someone not listening to you has checked out in my view. Does he realise that you're unhappy?

I’m 42 @Badger1970 …taking a break is accepting we’re not having another, which I’m not willing to do! In any case, things aren’t bad - I’m probably finding him hard work as I’ve been around more this summer and he rarely leaves the house.

He did this afternoon, and it helps …

I’ve been there with the him stonewalling and you “nagging”.

It’s very very wearing - also dangerous.

I got some very variable MN advice, some of which was very helpful.
I googled lots and lots of relationship counselling. Expecting it to say how wrong HE was. ALL of them said the same thing. Irritating as it was to hear.

It all boiled down to: Lean in, not away. Tempting as it is, don’t be enemies with him. Be the saintly one here - the kind, loving wife who is pleased to be in his company and makes him want to be with you. That doesn’t mean you can’t be straight with him about things that annoy you - but don’t do it when you’re angry. Wait till you’re calm.

Have date nights. On the date nights don’t talk about your problems - only nice things.

Touch each other regularly. Every day. Not sexually. Just touch his arm, give him a kiss in passing. Ask him to do the same for you. This is what saved my marriage!

The MN advice I found most helpful was to know how fabulous you are and that you’d have a fab life with or without him. (But you’d ideally prefer it with him). Beam this thought telepathically at him every time you talk to him so it comes through loud and clear.

Finally get plenty of sleep and time to yourself and your friends. Keep the independent “you” part of yourself alive - the part he fell in love with and married.

Good luck!

The trouble is that the first two/three years of the second child are even tougher for the relationship, so counselling while you’re ttc would be worth a try

Thank you. Thanks @Thereisnolight - I do try, but I feel sometimes he does take the piss a bit. I don’t know.

counselling is a no go, trust me. No way would he agree to it and it’s not what I want either.

Well I hope you get the love back, because ttc in these circumstances is beyond selfish. @Thereisnolight is giving great advice.

Is he worrying about finances a lot?

He makes jokes or he deflects

Don't know how you can stand this. Can't stand men who are so emotionally stunted that they can't have a serious conversation. It's like trying to communicate with an awkward boy in his teens.

It’s impossible to have a proper conversation with him

How is this ever going to be resolved if he's unwilling to even communicate about it???It will continue to get worse and worse.

OPS - I'd say he's made it clear, in his own immature, passive way, that he has said 'no' to assisted fertility and is not interested in discuss it, not interest in being convinced. You are meant to get the message, and he can avoid feeling discomfort and risk having an argument with you.

People like this just don't want to communicate. Instead, they communicate through passive aggressive digs, taking shots at you whilst hiding behind their wall because a lot of them, deep down, are cowards.