Is there something wrong with me advice needed

[Bells876]

I really need some advice and would like other’s opinions.I’m 47 my first relationship was controlling and violent we were together for over 10 years had 2 children together. I eventually left was on my own for 7 years met my second husband that was mental from the start.that lasted 8 years on and of.I then met my latest partner 8 months after and I thought I’d finally found the one. Then found out he was one of those guys who spends there time getting blind drunk and sleeping with anything going.he did stop the drinking things seemed to be going good but he wanted to rush everything like getting engaged he would buy me things all the time which was nice but also made me feel uncomfortable at times.so just kept pushing him away we would break up then get back together it’s been 4 years and we’ve broke up again.now he says he only wants to be friends with benefits which was ok to start with but now it just seems like he only contact me every few weeks for that I’m so confused.

I think you need to dump this bloke and steer clear of men for a while!

Easier said than done when feelings are involved. But I do see what you’re saying

Some alone time to sort your head out and think about what you what might be a good idea. Sounds like this current bloke is only wanting FWB which is fine if that’s what you want too, but you need a honest convo with him. I’d get rid and be single for a while!

I thought I was ok with that but I’m not

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

You've basically gone from one type of abuser to another type of abuser; this one abuses alcohol and sleeps around to boot. He needs throwing back into the pit also because you are being dragged down with him.

I would think your feelings are more akin to low self worth and codependency rather than love because what these men have shown you is not love. Why would you have at all accepted FWB from this drunkard; is he all you think you deserve from a relationship?. No it is not but people are inclined to treat us as we think we should be treated. You have children; what are they learning about relationships from you here?. Is this really what you want to be teaching them?.

Please look at the Freedom Programme and do this programme as a matter of priority. Do not date or embark on another relationship until you have sorted your own self out through therapy; love your own self for a change.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse (and perhaps too poor home life experiences to date) are being further got at by this individual now. This is also why such men have been allowed into your life; you've really thought you deserve no better.

Its not really FWB is it though...it's your ex coming round for a shag when he feels like.

You're not alone in finding this idea unappealing. The sooner you stop the situation the sooner you'll start healing. Whilst its hanging over you, it's just going to hurt.

Can I ask about the freedom program. And it’s exactly right my childhood was not good and I think I’ve never known any different.

@Bells876 - it’s no surprise to hear your childhood was bad. This means you were without good relationship models and are very vulnerable to abusive men. There is a cycle of abuse - abusers often love-bomb for a bit and then turn very nasty and then love-bomb again (to make up for all their nastiness) then abuse again. The cycle of behaviours also intensifies the good times because of the victim’s relief that they are again being treated well.

All relationships are great when things are going well. This is why an important measure of any relationship is how it is when things are going badly. In a healthy relationship, when things are bad - they’re a bit meh. In an abusive relationship, when things are bad - they’re utterly wretched and the abuse victim may well fear for their sanity, their physical safety and even their life.

You have recognised that these are all abusive relationships which is great but what you haven’t yet learnt is how to choose a healthy relationship. You mention feelings but to break this cycle you’re going to have to let your head rule your heart for a bit because your feelings are causing you to make bad choices.

As PPs have said - it would be better for you if you didn’t date at all for a bit. You need to do some serious work on yourself so that you learn to recognise and walk away from abusive behaviour. The Freedom Programme is designed for this. You might also find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood very helpful.

Here's a link to The Freedom Programme, it's so worth a look. There's nothing wrong with you, give yourself a break. You've had some shit examples as a kid so bad behaviour feels familiar, and therefore good, and that pattern has continued for you.

Womens Aid also have a great live chat service, here's a link, you can have a chat with a support worker

Thanks so much for the info