How can you come back from this?

[snipey]

I feel like my husband and me have gone into a bad place and it’s making me sad. We have a three year old and I’m in my second trimester with our second after a loss so I’m stressed about that and tired, not well, so it’s all just gone a bit meh.

We aren’t affectionate anymore, kisses and cuddles are non existent, sex life gone (my choice whilst pregnant) but we are feeling more like room mates, on our phones more than talking to each other, tag teaming with our dc rather than having family time.

It feels like he’s really snipey and tit for tat with me at the moment, if I ask anything of him I just get a “could say the same about you mate” or if I ask him why he’s being frosty towards me I get a “I’m treating you exactly how you treat me” and it’s frustrating when I’m trying to make an effort, be more affectionate and chat more and just get nowhere and when I ask about it he just says that I’m just as bad. Yes, I was, which is why I’m trying to make it better..

Yesterday I made an effort to look a bit more put together, actually put some makeup to go out with him and our dc rather than staying at home for a nap as I’ve been so tired lately. He just wasn’t chatty at all and it felt like we were only interacting with our child and not each other. I said do you not want me here and he just got annoyed and said oh my god you love to fight don’t you. I was like no not at all the last thing I want is to argue and he just said alright love and he knows I hate when he talks in that tone with all the ‘love’ ‘mate’ it’s just patronising. I ended up going home as it was such a tense environment.

woke up this morning and again tried to make an effort, made him a coffee, gave him a hug and a kiss asked what he was doing today. “Work” well yes I mean what are you doing at work today “work?” Yes but it’s the bank hol weekend you said there was a lot going on “No” I said should I not try and have a conversation? He said no you’re just bombarding me with questions that’s not a conversation. Well you’re giving me one word answers it’s quite hard to have a conversation without asking questions when you’re doing that. He ended up walking out without even saying goodbye.

Feel like there’s no point even trying. We were good before we fell into this rut and he just seems to dislike me now. I don’t know how to come back from this place, or if I even can?

My first thought is that couples counselling could be the answer here but I know money is tight for many and might not be an option.

Either way, is it an option to get childcare for an afternoon or evening? Then you can sit down with him, without a small child to look after and have a conversation. Even if he doesn't want to engage you could ask him listen to you for 10 mins so that you can properly acknowledge what you've said here - it's been a tough period, you've not been at your best, you feel sad that it's got to this point, you miss him, you acknowledge your part to play and you want to work on things to get back to being the couple you used to be. Ask him how you can do that together.

Sounds like he's upset/hurt/annoyed/angry at the moment and is expressing that by being short and disengaged. He may find he can't shift himself out of those feelings without a move from you.

I too agree with PP. Communication seems key here. Can you find a time for just the two of you to have a conversation about where you are now and where you both want to be to see if your relationship is salvageable because it sounds bloody miserable at the moment?

The whole thing screams grinding mutual resentment. You’ve both got to learn to talk to each other properly, kindly, with respect and consideration. You need outside help and while counselling costs money it’s cheaper than divorce. It’s sounds a really crap environment for your young daughter to be living in, I bet you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Things won’t get easier with another person to care for so get to grips with it now.

I second counselling, if that’s not possible, then get yourself some books that might show you how to reach him.

He sounds very defensive and resentful, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are at fault.

Another way might be to write a letter or email to explain you want to make things better. I would caution against saying too much in the first letter, in case it all goes tits up and he uses it against you.

I suppose your first step is to find out if he wants to stay in the marriage even if he can’t help being an arse.

The improvement won't happen overnight. The same as getting to this situation, didn't happen overnight.

Make more of an effort to communicate with him. Break the tit for tat cycle. If you both love each other, it can go back to how it was before.

I'd be making a lot of effort now before the baby arrives as things will be even harder then.

Best of luck.

The thing that jumped out at me is that you have taken sex off the table because you’re pregnant. It sounds to me like that’s the elephant in the room.

You don’t have to answer but I’m wondering whether it’s only penetrative sex which isn’t happening or whether all sexual intimacy (eg blow jobs, mutual masturbation etc) has ended. You shouldn’t have sex that you don’t want to have but if there is no sexual intimacy at all and you have made that decision unilaterally, your husband is probably feeling very rejected. Chaste hugs and kisses aren’t really going to cut it. In fact, they may frustrate him more. Assuming that there is no sexual intimacy, he may also fear that the sexual intimacy is never coming back.

So as PP said - it sounds like some careful and sensitive communication is needed on both sides.