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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Family being disloyal or am I overdramatic?

11 replies

Ohahjustalittlebit · 26/08/2022 08:36

Fairly long story so want to shorten it down as much as possible.

Growing up always very close to cousins on one side. They were the only family in the country that we had. Best friends with one cousin all our lives until my marriage ended and my ex husband starting a hate campaign. One evening he told one cousin a load of lies about me in the pub (always drink involved) and I was then uninvited to best friend cousins wedding and basically made feel an outcast. I was apologised to later in the year by said cousin who realised then the lies but it was a quiet apology meaning the rest of the family thought I had said these horrible things but best friend cousin and I sorted things out and that was fine with me.

Roll on to some years later an aunt who lives abroad came to visit. She had some kind of issues with her living situation and as far as I can now establish, had always queried one of my aunts homes and who owned it or title deeds or something. Anyway as my name had been muddied before she decided to use me as a scaptegoat for her queries and although nobody has told me exactly what was said it was something along the lines of my (who was not born when this particular aunt bought her home or was given it or whatever) apparently querying the title deeds on the property. NOw aside from the fact I knew nothing of the history of the house which apparently there was a history, I also could not care less who owns what and I go about my own business without querying others lives. Anyway best friend cousin and the rest decided i had been bitchy or lied or something and every one of them stopped talking to me. I ended up in hospital this time and then ended up on medication due to this as I was depressed etc.

Roll on now years later and I am happier and healthier than ever and could not care less about them relatives and keep away from them unless it is a funeral. One of my siblings lives abroad and has come back for a holiday and I find out yesterday that my own father has organised a party in my family home for all of these cousins to see my sibling. I only know cos sibling told me, my father himself has not. I have been so upset to feel they are stil being disloyal to me by having this get together and feel once again pushed out of the family and feel pushed out of the family home. It really is playing on my mind and I have no idea whether I need to just build a bridge or actually call my father out on this.l

Am I being dramatic or do you think there is disloyalty going on?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 26/08/2022 08:38

Yes i think youre right. Theyre being unfair to you and scapegoating you. Im sorry youre having to deal with this. I wonder if a letter explaining what youve said here would help

Cherchezlaspice · 26/08/2022 08:45

I think you need to stop caring, to be honest. These people do not love of respect you and they’ve made it very clear. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. The fact that you’re related doesn’t mean you have to tolerate years of nonsense. I’d just crack on and leave them to it.

Grumpypants78 · 26/08/2022 08:45

YANBU you keep trying to disengage and they still find ways to get at you. I have family like this, just leave them to it, I don't speak to mine at all now and refuse invites to all family events regardless of what it is. It saves time as they just find a way to either disinvite me for some transgression I've apparently done, or they mention the event and then 'forget' I was coming so give me no details on dates and don't mention said event again until after it's happened. Like flipping clockwork they are.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/08/2022 08:48

I think you are right. But it sounds utterly toxic and you are best out of it.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 26/08/2022 09:25

Thanks for the replies. I do genuinely feel hurt about all this but wondered if maybe I was thinking too much about it. I will just avoid them. No doubt despite the fact they treat me and have treated me badly somehow I will come across the villan again but I can live with that I guess. I do not need their approval.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 26/08/2022 09:43

NC would be a good idea here

Maytodecember · 26/08/2022 09:45

I can understand how hurt you feel. My family did similar, for some reason deciding I was the bad guy if the family. To the extent that when I met the wife of a distant cousin I’d played with as a child her jaw literally dropped when she realised who I was. I smiled and said yeah, you expected horns coming out of my head didn’t you. Poor woman was beetroot so God knows what lies my parents told about me ( and why)
Your only solution I can think of is to ignore it and if anyone says anything smile, eye roll and say something like their stories, do they not get tired of making these things up.
My solution was to cut all contact with my awful parents and even worse sibling.

billy1966 · 26/08/2022 10:04

OP,

You have every right to be upset.

Your father is disloyal.

Don't forget this.

Live your own life and stay away from this toxicity.

I presume you are not close to your father and he doesn't depend on you for anything?

If he does, back away from him and do not be used by him.

If he needs ANYTHING, let him contact your cousins.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 26/08/2022 10:09

I thought I was till I found out about the bbq :(

OP posts:
Rounddog · 26/08/2022 10:14

I’m the scapegoat in my family. It’s shit. It’s a dysfunctional pattern and it keeps rearing it’s head so that weak people don’t have to deal with their own issues.

Can you completely distance yourself from them? It is extremely damaging.

Brigante9 · 26/08/2022 10:15

I think your dad needs to be spoken to: where do his loyalties lie? I’d be appalled at his actions.

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