The longterm affects of being orphaned as teen

[HeathcliffsCathy]

Changed username for this.

My mum died of cancer when I was 13 and it turned out our dad was bipolar (my mum had been trying to sheld us) so he did not parent us at all and locked me out of the house at 16.

So I have pretty much done everything without family support since 13 as no family took me in. I do have a wonderful husband but I have so much emotion that is trapped inside because I feel I can't express it.

I am now in my early 50s but I can have times like the last few days, where I get up a night to cry uncontrollably when my family are asleep. I can be doing great but I feel the lack of parenting and trauma just will keep affecting me forever.

What is upsetting me is I feel I am affecting my kids 21, 19 & 16.

Read ‘The Body Keep the Score’ (or there is a great audible edition). It is not at all surprising that you feel like this but so much could improve.

People don’t always like this suggestion, but finding a counsellor you feel comfortable with could really help. My childhood traumas weren’t the same as yours but recent counselling (the last few years and I’m late 40’s) has really made a difference to how I feel, communicate, parent and live my life. I wasn’t in a position earlier in life to do this.

God that's so bloody sad. I've had a lot of childhood trauma too and the only thing that stopped the night weasels was counselling and a lot of it.
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this pain. You do need some sort of help from it, there'll be all sorts of stuff going on like abandonment and rejection issues, lack of self worth and feeling like you're not good enough.
For ages I'd constantly ask my partner if he was happy with me. It was like I was constantly expecting our relationship to end. It hasn't, and after almost 10 years together I'm finally getting more comfortable.
When the house is quiet and we're left alone to ourselves is the time when we think the most and process. Sometimes it can be helpful but other times it just sends us into a spiral.
Please seek talking therapies or psychiatric help for this. You'll be alright

That's so sad, I'm very sorry for your loss. As above. Childhood trauma actually changes your brain development and it's not surprising that you are still suffering. Trauma counselling can help.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I do talk to a trauma psychologist most weeks but the crazy thing is I haven't been really able to make any progress because of unbelievable and unlikely events. By that I mean my son had cancer and I had cancer (both recovered). I keep just needing to make it through in one piece. I started taking some kind of antidepressant last fall (I am in the US) because both my teens who had had cancer previously got cancer scares. It was too much for me once we had good news, I couldn't get off the couch. I am exercising regularly now too.

What gets me is by nature I am a positive person and my husband says he can't believe how resilient I am but I feel I have no choice. But it particularly affects me if I think my behavior (being more remote) is negatively affecting my kids. I hate being f-ing stoic.

Was coming on to suggest The Body Keeps The Score. Incredible book that has transformed my life utterly.

I had massive unresolved childhood trauma and for the first time in my life I feel like I can get over it. I’m 41.

I think it is incredibly common to get haunted by your childhood in your fifties. Until this time, we have to keep ourselves together for children, so there isn't the emotional space to fall apart. Two of your children are now adults and one is getting there, so it is finally time to dare to look at your own needs.

I’m so sorry to hear what you experienced as a child. I hope you can eventually find some peace 💐

Thank-you @goldfinchonthelawn I think you may be onto something.

I few years ago I thought I was at that point and found this psychologist. I also went back to finish my MA. Well in November my son was diagnosed and I left university (haven't been back) and I was diagnosed the following June! It's laughable its so ridiculous.

I was actually constantly finding myself emotionally frozen last year and one of my best friends explained that freezing is a trauma response. That helped me understand myself a lot. Freezing happens when you can't escape. Thats when I decided to try some meds as well.

I feel all of these crazy events (outside my control, such as bereavement, illness) makes me sound and feel like a loon. I don't often tell people as I would understand if they didn't believe me. I find it unbelievable. I feel like it's starting to wear me down. Its like a gothic book of "Unfortunate Events". I

It's no wonder that your DS and you both being diagnosed with the same disease that killed your DM has brought back your childhood trauma OP. TBH, I think I'd be more surprised if it hadn't. I'm so glad you both recovered

Hi OP. I was in care due to abuse and my mother’s inability to parent. I have been without any family support from age 13 (not that there ever really was any) and have dealt with a fair amount of adversity, bereavement and ill health. I have a painful chronic condition and am currently waiting to see if I have an autoimmune disease on top. I can relate to a lot of what you say.

I have so much emotion that is trapped inside because I feel I can't express it.

This is one of my major problems too. I literally can’t cry about any of the things that happened to me, or feel anything much at all. I recently started working with a psychologist who seems to be very astute at picking up on my dissociation around these subjects, and my body posture. I desperately want to find an outlet for it, to sob and grieve or just feel something. I think like you I have a freeze response and zone out, as if there’s a physical barrier in my brain.

my husband says he can't believe how resilient I am but I feel I have no choice.

I have been told this too and I feel the same, that I have no choice. But then we do have a choice I think. We could have chosen to give up, or to numb our pain with addiction, or become bitter, nasty people. You have chosen to be a positive person. You have chosen to get help from a psychologist. You have chosen to do an MA on top of all the difficulties you have experienced. I think is something to be really proud of.

I feel all of these crazy events (outside my control, such as bereavement, illness) makes me sound and feel like a loon. I don't often tell people as I would understand if they didn't believe me. I find it unbelievable. I feel like it's starting to wear me down. Its like a gothic book of "Unfortunate Events"

I am the same. I feel like most people never really ‘know’ me because I can’t bring myself to tell them about many of the things I have experienced. I imagine they’ll think I’m nuts or disbelieve me, or take pity on me. A gothic book of unfortunate events is apt! I dont know how to talk about my childhood because it was full of abuse. I don’t know how to talk about my teenage years because I spent them in children’s homes and psychiatric hospitals. A significant portion of my life is kept hidden. It makes me really sad sometimes.

To have to deal with cancer diagnoses on top of that is just plain cruel and unfair.

As pp said, it sounds like you’re at a point in your life where you don’t have to ‘keep it together’ so your own needs are coming to the forefront. I think the uncontrollable crying you’re experiencing may well actually be a good sign. It suggests you’re beginning to connect with your feelings and becoming less emotionally frozen.

The trauma of losing in particular a mother, as a child, is so enormous that it affects every bit of your life, for the rest of your life, in a deeply profound way.

It has happened to several life long friends and my husband, so I have seen it up close for 50+ years.

I don't believe that the core grief and the profound changes it creates can ever be resolved, nor the hole filled.

By that I mean that it is just simply too huge.

Without exception all those I know, including my husband siblings are highly successful, driven people, but I definitely think the freeze coping method is there for all of them, always.

That two of your children and yourself have had cancer and scares, is extraordinarily hard and of course you must have been paralysed with fear for the whole period.

Coming out of it now, no wonder you are truly, deeply, exhausted.

The one thing that has had the biggest affect on those I know, was that when the foundations of their lives crumbled with the death of their mother's, they have said they lost all belief in ever feeling truly safe again.

That was instantly gone and they suddenly knew the world was a really scary place.

That trauma fear has never left them, is always with them.

All manage anxiety at a low permanent level.

It is great that you are seeing someone professionally.

My husband who is 60 has said that the biggest challenge for him in his life was acceptance.

Acceptance this was a huge part of his life story, and that he could never change it.

His mother died very suddenly so shock, disbelief and confusion were with him for years, and his fathers obvious grief.

As we get older reaching for acceptance/acknowledgement is often as much as we can hope for.

Acceptance that we can't change anything and acknowledgement as to just how awful it was, how frightening, and to not fight that.

You do sound like a wonderful woman, just like my husband and my friends.

Be gentle with yourself.
Wishing you the very best.

That's such a lovely post @billy1966

I completely agree, acceptance is where you will find peace. Learning to accept the grief, disappointment and pain that you have been through and moving on with the knowledge that this trauma is part of you, does not need to be fixed or erased, but can also be put in the context that it was a part of you long life and does not have to be the most important thing about you.

You sound like you have a very successful life, and I do think therapy is a very important tool for most of us at some point in our lives.

Thank you so much everyone your responses are so moving and powerful they really help me.

@IodineQueen I am sorry to hear you also endured so much, it sounds like we would understand each other really well.

Its weird because my parents had been successful, my dad was some bigwig in Philips Electronics and my mum was just promoted to Head at her school (she was a primary teacher). But ny dad's illness got the better of him and he lost his job, right around the time my mum was diagnosed.

So my younger years were very happy and secure and our family were materially very comfortable. Both my parents were from working-class families who could feel conflicted between pride and resentment at their success.

So when I had all this loss noone took me in as they seemed to see me as very privileged. To this day when I see some of these extended family they will still ask and talk about the material, like what happened to our house and my dad's art that he collected etc.

Then people who have met me since can sometimes pity me, as if all I have ever known is dysfunction and assume I don't remember my parents at all, so never ask me about my family and act like I fell from the sky.

Its the weirdest thing because as a teen I actually identified with those Dickensian characters who have a comfortable childhood and then get reduced to nothing and thrown out into the world to figure it out. While others might see that as a trope for a character to have a story arc and adventures; But it clearly stems from Dickens own experience when his family were thrown in the Debtors prison and he had to work in a factory as a child.
I can't imagine how terrifying that was for him.

I wasn't hospitalized but my teen years were definitely my most chaotic and traumatic and I know what's its like to realize the people around you have absolutely no clue what happened and you just have noone to say out loud to: "this happened to me" because you know its too overwhelming for them. So you keep it hidden for the sake of others really.

I don't know why I didn't turn to drugs or drink even though I was surrounded by it. Although TBH I think a lot of it was about maintaining some kind of control . I also was never tempted to sleep around only because I knew if I got pregnant I would be well and truly screwed. Noone was helping me as things were and I could see certain extended families members actually enjoying seeing me struggle as a teen mum rather than ever thinking they should help.

I definitely find it hard to trust people. If they betray me or treat me badly with no remorse I definitely put boundaries up. In fact I think that's part of the problem, my boundaries are like a fortress.

@billy1966 your post also deserves it's own response because so much of what you say is true.

@twoqueens I actually converted to Catholicism as a late teen and my faith has literally held me together since. I find so much peace and understanding because suffering is actually acknowledged, but then its not the end of the story. I have also found fellow Catholics whose background is nothing like mine have been some of the most empathetic. Some of them have been the most incredible listeners and just take you as they find you. With faith, living in the moment becomes richer for me and I always have rituals (such as daily Mass) I can be part of.

Before I had an experience of God I was a very streetwise hard arse. I was clubbing 2 or 3 nights a week and was very tough and scathing. Lots of people assumed I was promiscuous and up to everything because I behaved like nothing bothered me and I wasn't scared of anything. I didn't care what anyone thought.

After that experience I realized what an absolute charade I was living and I didn't like the person I was becoming. So I consciously changed and let myself be more vulnerable which was pretty excruciating but obviously necessary. Its because of that I think I was able to marry and be happily married. I wasn't getting any counseling or anything, I realized I was never going to be happy carrying on as I was.

One thing I do really hate is how all my creatively has either been killed or is locked up never to be released.

I was very creative and my mum would say she could see me going to art school, I loved music and was playing an instrument. I even composed some music at 11 or 12 that the school orchestra played. Now I feel that has all been murdered or starved in a garret.

Since we had cancer I feel any motivation or ambition has also migrated somewhere to find someone who actually gives a shit. I hate it. I feel I have so much I could still do and achieve but I have no power in my jets any longer.

@IodineQueen I also hate how I can't cry, or at least at the appropriate time. My son had cancer and I was like a stone, I didn't cry once.
During my own cancer I was bedridden and couldn't walk and I think I cried maybe once.
Instead I was actually peaceful and joyful, at least while having chemo and unable to leave my room.
My recovery was hard.

That's why I worry my kids are being badly affected: my emotion is locked up, so is my motivation and I find it hard to care about anything. Like I used to have all these plans to make our house more beautiful but I find it so hard to care about it. I have a couple of rooms with still just the bare bones of nice carpet, paint and basic furniture, but no decoration or personality whatsoever.

Thos book changed my life. Please read it. It will all make sense.

I second counselling too. I did that in conjunction with breathwork and so much came to the surface. Highly recommend both.

@billy1966 thanks for that lovely post.

My mum died when I was 5, my dad when I was 14. I often wonder how much of who I am is because of this.

@ZaphodDent I'm so sorry...

It is an absolutely enormous part of you.
How could it not be.

My darling friend lost her adored mum at 9 and dad at 13.
Her father remarried, rashly, still in a haze of grief and undoubtedly vulnerable, a woman who was not the least bit nice.

He died within two years and she was pulled from her private school and was working from 18 on and asked to leave.
So awful.

Her entire substantial inheritance gone.
Unbelievable really.
She retains anger towards her father for his stupidity and lack of duty of care to her.

Her lovely, strong mother would have been so furious with his selfishness.
Despite this she has made a great success of her life both privately and professionally.

Funnily enough she went through a very poor patch of anxiety and grieving in the middle of menopause, but through self care has largely come through it.
Taking good care of yourself during menopause is very important.

Another dear friend was taken in by very kind relatives after both her parents died inexplicably of cancer, within months of each other.
She was the youngest and a quiet little thing.
She has secretly eaten her whole life when stressed.
A legacy from living in a strange house and never wanting to ask for anything.
She too has made a great success of her life but will retreat to the car and park and eat chocolate on her own, when stressed.
Her long learnt coping mechanism to self soothe.

Sport and the self discipline that brought helped my husband.
He was a super high achiever academically and headed up to university at 16, some distance from where he lived, whilst sorting out accommodation etc himself.
Very tough at the time, but he just got on with it.
But when he looks at our children and their cosseted lives and thinks back to his own teenage experience of being so self reliant, the difference is stark.

OP,
You write so well and putting down your thoughts is a great opportunity to really sit with how you feel as you search for the word you want.

A big part of really trying to move forward with acceptance IMO is the process of searching for the words to really describe how you felt and feel.

This in itself is hugely challenging, like a long track of hurdles you have to jump, each one difficult of itself, but when you actually get into the rhythm of finding the words, they will come.
Like using a muscle you have never used before.
Don't know if that makes sense.

So many people with this type of trauma/grief, have never really exposed it their whole lives.
They have avoided the enormity of letting it out because they are afraid of not being able to put it all back in.
Safer to keep it stuffed down and hidden.

I was married years before my husband really even acknowledged the enormity of it.
Unsurprisingly it was when our son hit a similar age that it brought it up for him and the enormity of the impact on him and witnessing his poor fathers grief.

I think OP too that you are putting unwarranted pressure on yourself to be over the whole cancer drama.
Simply not realistic IMO.

Cancer is a huge exhausting trauma.
Trying to process the anger and shock has taken my friends a good two years post treatment, and 3 of the 4 are medics whom one might think would handle it better...wrong!! Very wrong.

One friend who is a hospital consultant and a bit of a super woman was so pissed off with her diagnosis as she thought her clean living life would somehow protect her.
Unfortunately it didn't.
Boy was she pissed off.

She was gifted some colouring books and has said she found the activity gave her a bit of much needed mindfulness, aka, a break from her relentless thoughts.

Might be an idea as you rest and recover.

I think you need to give your children more credit.
They are old enough to know that this is a hard road and that it will take you real time to fully physically recover from it all.

Keep posting if you like as this is the type of thread that can be of great comfort to yourself and others, as a safe place to explore how you feel.

Struggling a lot at the moment, I feel like the absolute shittest Mum in the world but I know it’s because I have never had any emotional support.

Sorry to read that.

We all do at some point I think, despite our best efforts.

What's going on?

Really sorry to hear you did not have that support and comfort. Have your kids mentioned that you don't support them enough? That they feel pressured to be more independent than they're ready to be?

Heathcliffscathy I'm so sorry you're being hit with this now when life should have become settled after all you've been through.

I lost my mum as an infant, had a dreadful stepmom and lots of emotional any physical abuse to deal with.

I do feel and I wonder if you do that you've had to just keep going and sort of cobble together how to be a mum, you've not had the experience to draw on as your children get older and rather than it be a natural thing the constant trying to figure out how to be the best mum you can be drowns you. It's all encompassing and then when they don't need you as much there is space in your brain to start processing what happened to you.

It's been one thing after another stopping you processing your internal grief and struggle and then all of a sudden there's time and space and what you've tried so hard to hold together all of a sudden unravels?

Thank you for your replies it always means so much when people respond as I have felt people have ignored what has happened to me for most of my life. Very, very few people are able to even hear it let alone comprehend it. People want to avoid what I think is often their greatest fear, losing their parents. I have also had the experience of not showing any emotion when it is appropriate and then very rarely suddenly finding myself crying when I have no idea why. At those times the No. 1 response has been to ignore me. I know that sounds crazy but it’s amazing how when people don’t know what to do or say they just pretend and act like it’s not happening. This means I can find it very hard to trust people, if they are ever seriously horrible to me I just can’t trust them ever again. I don’t hold onto it but I just don’t want to be near them.

My two oldest kids are dds and are 22 & 19. They are both at Uni and both have friends and seem well balanced and are doing well. But my eldest has recently been struggling with depression and my psychologist found her another very experienced psychologist who I was amazed to find had availability to see her, as absolutely all therapist are booked solid everywhere (unless they are very inexperienced or unqualified which obviously I avoid like the plague).

She and I have a close relationship and she likes me to drive to her uni (40 minutes away) once a week with our dog and we go for a long walk. She told me she felt she had to be the parent to herself (I think from about 17 when I had cancer). I feel really bad about myself and she was talking about “generational trauma” which was always my worst fear, that my inadequacies would affect my children.

My own therapist right now is fantastic and the only one and I can really talk to, she has helped me understand I am finally starting to touch all the trauma of my mum’s death and she explained that it’s going to feel a lot worse and then I will feel a lot better. At the moment I can’t imagine it getting better. I was always so strong, ambitious and had goals but the two recent bouts of cancer for my son and I have just wiped that out. I feel I can’t get up anymore, after always forcing myself to stand up again and keep going forward (metaphorically).

Thank you so much for sharing all this. I lost my brother when I was 4 and can relate to some of the messages on here, it's very helpful.

I'm so pleased you have a great therapist! That is excellent. I wonder if there are any groups for children/ teens/ young adults who have experience of cancer- this may be of some support to your daughter/ children....to speak with other people who have been through something similar.

You must not blame yourself! You didn't choose to have cancer! Yes, of course there will be things to deal with for your children having gone through this, but they will work it out.

I know someone whose mother died at a similar age to you, she really dug into it and had a difficult winter doing so, but the following year has been so much better for her, so I really think you re doing the right thing. Lean into it if you can.

Keep reaching out for support, there's a massive amount out there. Thanks again for starting this conversation.