Two years ago I found out my partner cheated on me.
After he begged, we tried to reconcile and it's just gone from bad to worse.
Everything he promised to do, he didn't do.
Everything he promised NOT to do, he did do.
At least after the first three months.
He had some kind of massive nervous breakdown in the midst of that which became a get out of jail free card for not participating in any way in my healing.
He basically just didn't want to talk about it or think about it and kept telling me he was ill from stress and can i please give him stability.
I can explain so much of that but it's long and I'm tired. I've not eaten for days and I'm seeing double.
Where we ended up is basically horrific. He got more and more comfortable mistreating me.
What started off with "I've got got the mental strength for counselling" and segued into "why the fuck should I go to counselling so some hippy can tell me I'm a bad person".
He's sorry apparently. For the cheating (which was 10/10 bad) But there's zero accountability. He victim blames. He gaslights me. He's defensive.
I asked him over 18 months to do / not do certain things to help me heal and its always met with anger, bolshy refusals or claims I just want to punish him.
Last week for example he wanted to have a beer with a guy who I know works with the affair partner. I asked him to be loyal and not say we were having relationship problems so it didn't get back to her. He agreed but the next day in an argument said to me "and apparently now I can't share ny problems with my friends!".
I shared with him that the ongoing pain has made me no longer want to be here, and he said I was being manipulative :( but it was just the truth.
I admit, i was gentle and kind at first, but because he's done such a crappy job with this, I've raged at him a lot. I've said terrible things. Things he'd never say to me. I even walked out and kissed some stranger and texted to tell him. This is nothing like me. I've acted out because Im in desperate pain and he keeps hurting me.
I tell him what my triggers are, but he won't respect them. I ask him to read a book on helping a partner heal, and he tells me it's American rubbish.
Then when I finally explode In anger , he tells me I make our relationship awful because I abuse him.
I feel like I'm being gaslit but he says I'm gaslighting HIM.
We were supposed to move I'm together, and I gave up my flat lease. Then as soon as i did, he lied to me to meet up with mutual friends of the affair partner. He told me after he'd already gone instead of consulting me. He said it was easier than an argument.
So then I didn’t want to move in with him, but my landlord wouldn't renew my lease. So long story short I ended up homeless (sofa surfing at 43 currently)
He tried to be nice and get me to move in with him, but it's a tiny flat with no space for my stuff. So it's in storage. But he wouldn't look at other places.
I've ended up ill. Can't work. Probably losing my business. Can't eat. He begs me back then he's horrible.
It's just a toxic mess. Amongst other big stressors I feel like I've had a breakdown.
I used to be a normal, happy person and I thought I was really loved and safe. The only thing worse than someone cheating on you is them not being bloody bothered to meaningfully help you feel better.
Anyone been through someone asking them to stay after cheating and then just being a completely weak arsehole?