Pregnancy and engagement - no friends making an effort

[bells2810]

I’ve recently become engaged to my partner, we are expecting our first baby in spring 2023 and are really excited. Something that has been getting me down is that my friends haven’t really bothered with me over the past few months and even more so since we announced our engagement and pregnancy, and it’s making me feel very lonely.

I’ve never had a huge group of friends and some of my good friends from university live hours away in separate parts of the country, they have been really supportive and happy for us and have sent cards/flowers but we haven’t seen each other due to the distance. My friends at home, who live a matter of minutes away, haven’t so much as stopped by since they found out.

I’ve had messages on Facebook/Instagram but just feel that if it was the other way round, I’d want to go round and see my friends and congratulate them. They also haven’t made much of an effort with me over the past few months. When one friend was renovating her house, I offered to help her strip wallpaper, clean, I looked after her dog when they had work being done, but haven’t seen/heard much from her since. Another friend invited me out for drinks a couple of months ago, as I was pregnant but hadn’t told anyone yet I said I was unwell but asked if we could reschedule to go for a coffee, and nothing ever came of it.

My fiancé gets really upset by this and tells me they’re not good friends and that all they want to do is go out drinking. It’s making me sad as I don’t want to feel lonely during my pregnancy. My fiancé is my best friend and such a huge support, but he also has lots of different friends from work, friends through the sport he plays, etc., who make an effort with him and he’s often busy making plans with them. I obviously don’t begrudge him this but it does make me feel quite lonely as I feel I only have my partner and family. The friends I once would have considered asking to be my bridesmaids have hardly bothered with me this year and whenever I reach out I’m always told they’re busy.

Does anyone have a similar experience or any tips? I’m hoping I might be able to meet other new mums once I start going to antenatal classes etc.

Is it possible you are being a little bit sensitive OP? You helped your friend with the dog and the renovation but what would you like them to do for you in this situation?
If it is more meet ups without alcohol all you can do is ask them, if they are used to spending their free time partying that won't change because of your pregnancy....their lives haven't changed but yours has.
Could you manage a night out with them once in a while? Obviously you can't drink but they can, you could just leave once you've had enough!
The other option is to start looking for new friends that want to lead a similar life to you ie going out for coffee rather than a night out.

What are you expecting them to do though? They’ve congratulated you etc, so what more ? It sounds like your lives are going in slightly different directions just now, but that’s just life

Hmm. How old are they/you?

Do they have kids?

It wouldn’t occur to me to invite myself over to someone’s house because they were pregnant or engaged. If I was invited I’d probably go otherwise we’d speak on the phone or discuss it next time we were together. People have sent cards and flowers, that’s plenty of nice celebration/fuss.

I think you need to manage your expectations, what do you want them to do? Have you told any of them how you're feeling?

If it's meeting up, you've asked and they are making excuses maybe it's time to distance yourself from the friendships. Engagements and pregnancies are pretty dull for most people after the initial congratulations, if your friends aren't in the same place as you it can be difficult for you both to see the others needs.

Also consider if any of them may have their own struggles- particularly with pregnancies you never know what someone else is going through.

Specifically on the local friends, the one you helped with house and dog may well be happy to do the same for you, there’s nothing practical she can do about either of your pieces of news. Or she’s a user, you’d know better than us.

The one you blew off for drinks, maybe she’s waiting on you to suggest a date for coffee as she tried to arrange drinks. Drop her a message and suggest coffee or lunch at the weekend.

Op you get visitors and gifts when the baby arrives, not when you announce you're pregnancy. At most for an engagement you'd maybe get a card from parents? Again, you get gifts when you get married. I think you're expectations are high here. If your friends are young and child free they will just want to go out drinking, that's all me and my friends did pre children. Dont sweat it

I get while you’re upset. I’d also expect my friends to call round and I think they would soooo I would suggest making new friends! Once the baby comes there’ll be baby groups etc- widen your circle. Congrats on your baby xx

It sounds like you just need to invite them around or make plans for dinner, drinks (yours can be non-alcoholic), cinema, etc. If you are used to going ‘out’ to socialise and you’re the first of your friends to be pregnant, some people don’t quite know how to interact with someone who doesn’t drink and maybe gets a bit more tired earlier. Is there a restaurant you’d really like to try? Going out for a meal becomes quite challenging once you have a baby, so why not ask someone to meet you for dinner and make the most of the free time you have now?

Pregnancy and having children often results in a change in friendship groups, especially if your current friends don’t have kids. It’s a pretty common theme that friends are not at all as excited as you are about your pregnancy or indeed your baby. If your group do normally focus on going out drinking, they may be reluctant to change habits to just go to the cinema or come round for coffee.

Find a pregnancy group you can join, expectant mum friends are dealing with exactly the same things as you and become invaluable as part of your journey. Your usual friends will probably come back to you when they’re experiencing the same things.

Best wishes for your pregnancy and the wonders that await!

Have you invited them to do things, 'would you like to come to mine tomorrow?' 'Shall we go for coffee on Sunday' etc. Or are you waiting for them to do it? How were invited out, said no and suggested something else, have you arranged that something else or are you now waiting for them to do it?

This is very good advice. Be proactive.

*how should have been you

I think you’re expecting too much & your fiancé is also not helping.

People don’t tend to do more than say congratulations when you announce an engagement or pregnancy, the fact you’ve had flowers/cards etc is lovely.

You were the one who cancelled on your friend who suggested drinks, they weren’t to know the reason!

If you want to meet up then make a definite plan, a vague suggestion for a coffee without suggesting a date or venue isn’t likely to end up happening.

Is your fiancé often critical of your friends? It seems unwarranted to me.

You are completely over thinking this and maybe pregnancy hormones making you too sensitive.

Noone honestly is really interested in your pregnancy. Nothing has changed for them , you haven't got a baby to visit
They can't ask you to go drinking etc

Have you invited them round?

I also think you’re expecting too much. An engagement and pregnancy is big news to you, but not so much to your friends. Id watch what your fiancé was saying about your friends though. It sound like he’s trying to put you off them. My DP would never dream of criticising my friends. If you want to see them just message and pop round to see them, or say, ‘I’m heading into town. Fancy coming too?’, ‘Want to go to yoga on Tuesday?’, ‘Fancy coming over for lunch?’

I think you’re being a bit harsh on your friends. Hate to tell you this but pregnant women are quite boring. I say this as a heavily pregnant woman. I’ve definitely seen less of my single friends since I got pregnant but that’s fine, they have their fun lives to lead, I’m happy for them. We are still great friends and always will be but when you get married and have children, the dynamics will naturally change. That’s life.

Your boyfriend sounds a bit odd critiquing your friends for these relatively minor perceived crimes though

I sympathize OP. Going through something similar at the moment. I've had a lot of good luck this year and my 2 closest friends seem to have dropped me. Myself and 1 other were in fact best friends and others have remarked on their behavior so it's not imagined. The other has been very passive aggressive and the first just seems to be siding with her, although more recently I feel like she might be regretting her treatment of me and is picking up contact more. It's very upsetting and I'm just letting it happen, I'm not a confrontational person so I don't want to get into it with them. I'd like an apology though, I don't think the friendship can really recover without everything out in the open.

I know both of them are going through similar struggles at the moment so I think my good luck might be something that they just don't want to be around at the moment, but their issues are not my fault, have been going on for a prolonged period and I have been more than there for both of them going back years.

I think the best thing to do is just take the distance, and see how you feel if it blows over. You can make new friends, and maybe it's for the best.

I wouldn’t think to pop over to a friends house because she announced she was pregnant, especially if we had the kind of friendship where we usually meet up out. Perhaps once the baby was born! Ring them as ask them for lunch/coffee.

Definitely sign up for NCT or the like as you’ll meet people who are going thru pregnancy at the same time as you.