Why do I still feel like this? Trauma and relationship grief

[WhatsTheStoryThisTime]

I’ve posted a number of times with various name changes. Long story short, I’ve issued divorce papers as I know my marriage can’t continue. H treat me like dirt and the trust has gone. He’s been begging for another chance for months on end and buying gifts promising me he’ll change, then becomes abusive by saying I remember things wrong, I must have found someone else and even lying about what country he is in.

To give some context, our marriage broke down because:

• he became distant and wouldn’t communicate (I assumed an affair as he’d had a short one ten years previous and his behaviour was similar)
• he offered no emotional support whilst I was nursing my Mum who had cancer (in fact, he booked himself a 3 day break abroad and called me draining)
• when i asked for a sit down discussion on our issues he left and told the DC he was leaving.
• I discovered a 5 star hotel booking days after he left, followed by some std meds.

Now my reason for posting is that, I almost feel like I’ve split our family up as I won’t give him another chance. Crazy aren’t I?! I’m grieving for a life we once had as I thought we had a decent relationship up until the shit hit the fan. Friends have said I’m suffering from trauma as I’ve dealt with a marriage breakdown and my Mums diagnosis at the same time.

Written down, I know it seems like a ‘why are you even questioning yourself’ but he has excuses for every single action of his and I feel like my doubts and grief just won’t shift.

I just want to stop feeling like this.

To move forward you have to accept what you are doing now. You have your reasons for the divorce and you have to accept these.

Crazy aren’t I

As soon as you get rid of this undercurrent in your thinking, you'll be able to move on.

You are hurt. His behaviour is hard to understand and believe.

None of it was your fault, and there's nothing wrong with you that caused this.

You're far from crazy, OP. You're suffering the natural grief caused by losing the relationship you thought you had, and by your mother's serious illness.

You've recognised that your marriage to this abusive man is over. You didn't end the marriage you would have been right to , but in fact he was the one who walked out. You say he has excuses for every single action of his what's the excuse for not telling you he had a sexually transmitted disease, just leaving you to suffer the effects if he's infected you? I can't think of an excuse.

How many more chances will you give a man who treats you and DC so badly? Please make that none. Please release your DC and yourself from this miserable situation, get divorced, and keep a copy of what you've written here. So in a year's time you can look back and thank god you're free of him.

Damn silly new formatting! I didn't mean to delete the crossed-out section.

Thank you for your replies.
I know I need to keep moving forward and remind myself why I am in this position - because his behaviour was extremely hurtful and I would not be able to move forward in a relationship with him.
I often doubt myself on the following;

• he could change and we could have a fabulous relationship going forward.
• other wives would have forgiven this behaviour
• his behaviour wasn’t that bad.

It seems silly when I write it all down. Hopefully this is just a bad day and I will feel better tomorrow

See - the very fact that you’re questioning your perfectly reasonable reactions to his behaviour strongly suggests to me that, in this relationship, he has routinely disregarded your feelings and gaslighted you.

In all your years together, he has taken you for granted and mistreated you including an affair which resulted in him contracting an STD (if I have properly understood this) and he casually ended your marriage rather than discuss your problems. He is now lovebombing you in a too little, too late attempt to get you back. These are the actions of a man who only cares about himself. He hasn’t suddenly undergone a miraculous change.

But this is a man that you were with for 19 years whom you loved enough to have a family with. You’re bound to have wobbles and it’s bound to take a while to get used to your new life without him. Just give it time, though, and you will be fine.