When is best to tell children about separation?

[Forevermermaid]

Hi all

My DH announced beginning of July that our marriage is over. It's been so very tough and painful and I'm still not entirely sure why other than he 'needs to find himself' 'hasn't been happy years' (don't worry - I do fully expect an OW to be lurking about somewhere!) It's made worse by the fact he refused to leave the house as "renting is wasted money"

Anyway, things are moving now. We are in the legal/financial process of me buying him out of this house, transferring equity and he is buying another property. All being well, this should be completed by October at some point. The sooner he goes now the better.

My question is when to tell the DC's. I can't actually believe I've managed to keep a front on all this time to be honest. However, I'm really conflicted.

Do we tell them this weekend, so they have some time before school starts to digest etc? I'm also off work next week. However, it could still be up to two months before he goes.

Or do we wait until closer to the time, maybe end September when completion dates are known so that there isn't the weird period of us all living together? But potentially affecting school?

I'm so terrified about this, I'm so scared that their lives will be turned upside down and I'm so angry and sad (though of course I will continue to hide this as best I can)

Just to reiterate, DH won't move out until he has his own place.

Thanks x

He tells them
Honestly I would leave this all up to him
He wants out and I'm with you on there being another woman so it's on him to tell them

Is there not anyway you can get him out sooner? I would tell kids a week or 2 before he goes so they don't get hopes up he is staying.

Good luck.

I really wish there was
But he is adamant and there is nothing I can do - I've tried! Still I have to keep positive, only a few more weeks and I will finally have peace to start to heal. The wheels are definitely in motion.

I just feel so so sad for my DC

I would tell them together, if possible. Personally would tell them now so they have time to get used to the idea before school starts.

How old are your DCs? I'm leaning towards telling them ASAP, I was 14 when my parents split and they thought we didn't know what was going on for ages but children aren't stupid. We knew something wasn't right and they just created a resentment by assuming our naivety.

Based on my own experience I would say to tell them when you know for sure what date he will be moving out so you can give them as much concrete information as possible. That's if you really are capable of maintaining a front for them for a bit longer, which is very, very hard, I know.
I do think you should tell them together and that you should agree between you what you are going to say beforehand.
I can't deny that telling the children was awful and heartbreaking (like you, I had the added resentment that it was not my choice), but a few months down the line, the kids are doing pretty well and have adapted to spending time with each of us separately. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road with them but I have been amazed at their resilience and kindness. I hope it helps a bit to hear that. I'm sorry this is happening to you. xx

In a similar kind of situation. But decided to have a break. I know that break first of all, has given me peace and space to breathe. First of all we said he was working away. Now we have told them we are having a few issues and need space. Sometimes grown ups do this. I actually told them separately because I knew their reactions would be complete opposite’s. They were sad and emotional. But as it’s the holidays I have managed to keep them busy. I think the one thing to do is have a plan of what days they will be where. I think probably waiting till he is nearly gone would be best to give them an idea that it’s real. Good luck.

Thank you all, knowing what other people have done really does help. I honestly feel sick at the thought of it. I agree it needs to be together.

DC are 9 & 10.

We told our children about 3 weeks before i moved out so they had time to adjust and ask questions, and think of the pluu sides.

Also to add, we have discussed arrangements when he will have them so we will have a firm routine.

I'd tell them now so they have time to get used to it.
Are you sure he'll be able to buy a property that quickly?

We are hopeful. Things progressing well with the separate mortgage applications and with the legal bits.
This limbo period is without doubt the hardest bit for me, the more I think about it the more angry I feel that he wouldn't go somewhere else for a bit as it's entirely his decision! Anger is good though - it helps when I feel so utterly low!