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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to support my mother? (Long sorry!)

13 replies

Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 09:16

NC just as don't want linked to my other threads.

My divorced parents announced they were getting back together. However, my father recently did a U turn on this. This was after he had essentially love bombed my mother, asking when she could give up the lease on her flat and move in, planning their wedding, talking about what a nice life they will have in their old age. He didn't even tell her to her face.

My mother is understandably very upset, angry and humiliated. They had worked very hard to maintain a friendship, meaning we could do things together as a family unit with no animosity, which has now gone. She is 300 miles away so I can't just pop round to see her (although she is visiting London and I will see her on Monday).

My father was supposed to call me and DB to tell us, but didn't - I haven't hear from him in days. I had to tell DB, as my mother felt too upset to. It's his birthday and I don't feel I can even text him because I'm so angry. There's a huge backstory with his (supposedly ex) partner, I feel she might have got her claws back in.

I don't want to be so involved as it's not my business at the end of the day, but I'm so angry for my mum. This has a real ripple effect on to the rest of us.

Wise MN, how best to deal with this and support my mother? I realise that my father is a grown man with his own life, I just feel that you don't say the things he said and shift an entire family dynamic without being 100% committed.

(Side note, I had a dreadful feeling he'd do something like this and pushed it away).

OP posts:
Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 10:29

Any thoughts anyone?

OP posts:
nawsfckrlengrelgn · 25/08/2022 10:36

That sounds awful and he sounds like a very selfish man.

Best thing you can do is to be there to support your mum and listen when she wants to talk xx

Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 10:47

@nawsfckrlengrelgn he's inherently selfish. I wasn't as shocked as I should have been.

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fedup078 · 25/08/2022 12:33

Jesus
My stbxh had just done something similar to myself and the way I'm handling it is to shut down all unnecessary communication with him and keep myself busy
Im not sure how else to cope with it

Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 12:46

Really sorry to hear @fedup078 . My mum is exactly the same, she has a couple of trips and things to look forward to.

I just don't understand why he'd say all these things if he wasn't 110% committed - he's future faked to such an extent that it's affected all of us.

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fedup078 · 25/08/2022 12:57

Yep mine did too
It was all him too I didn't encourage it until I thought we were actually getting back together
He was talking about selling and buying houses and making all sorts of plans. Told our 2.5 year old we were getting back together and then 24hrs later he went back to his gf .
I mean he's done me a favour as i already know he's a waste of space but I think my brain was tricking me into thinking he had changed. Turns out he's even worse than I realised . She's welcome to him. Hope she's enjoys a rude and self absorbed alcoholic 😁

Hope your mum recovers well from this

Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 13:02

Exactly the same with my mum, and she gave him plenty of opportunity in the early conversations to change his mind.

It's his birthday today and I just can't face speaking to him.

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Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 13:04

My DB is 30 and was particularly excited about it as he was young when they split and took it badly. He's in a bad way today so keeping tabs on him. He's seeing our father at the weekend and will give him our point of view.

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fedup078 · 25/08/2022 13:07

I threw him out 1.5 years ago for drinking and I don't know why I suddenly let my guard down
I'm absolutely disgusted by his behaviour and I hope he comes to really regret it
I really hope karma is on my side on this one

Did you think them getting back together was a good idea deep down ?

Cheminaufaules · 25/08/2022 13:15

I think it would make you feel better if you told him directly how his behaviour has made you feel and how it has affected your life. Be direct, to the point, then be silent. He should then fill that silence via an explanation. If he starts to talk crap, tell him he's talking crap.

Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 13:53

@fedup078 yep, we all thought it was a brilliant idea. They worked really hard on their friendship for years - that's all out the window now.

@Cheminaufaules , that's exactly how I can see the conversation going. It won't be today (it's his birthday and I am so angry I don't want to say something I can't take back), but he will certainly be hearing from me.

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fedup078 · 25/08/2022 13:55

Yep
We had a pretty amicable co-parent relationship . That has completely gone .

Randomusername140 · 25/08/2022 13:56

They just don't see past the end of their nose that it's not just the other person you're upsetting, but the whole family.

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