Hi all
I was not sure where to post this, parenting or relationships as it is a bit of both. Sorry its long but I tried to put as much info in as I can.
Backstory: I have a dd age 19, she met a lad also 19 at the beginning of this year. They are both living away from home at the moment, at the same place, but they come/go home every few months for a week. This will be the arrangement until the end of this year. So they have lived in very close quarters to each other for 8 months, seeing each other every day. They are from very different backgrounds, he is from a very small town which is miles away from any large towns. We live in a big city with easy access to malls, nightclubs, casinos etc.
My dd went to his family for the last break, so this time he came to us. I had only met him once before this, and I did not get any bad vibes from him at all. The first few days he was with us, everything was fine and I even commented on how well they get on, he seems a nice respectful lad etc etc.
The past few days have been challenging. He was very keen to be doing all the nightlife etc stuff (which is understandable at 19), but my dd wasn't all that keen and wanted to use the time at home to chill a bit and not be out all the time. They went out for dinner, and he picked the spot. Which is not a place really close to us, its involved a fairly pricy taxi trip, so I asked why they didn't go to one of the more local restaurants. He wanted to go to this particular place was the reply. In this centre is a big casino. Now I know he wasn't all that flush with money and he and his mum had a phone call which I overheard and she had given him a rollocking for spending too much and that he was now to take it easy. The next day they went to a mall and came back with bags and bags of clothes... I have a word with dd and ask where did the money come from for all the shopping, turns out he had had quite a big win at the casino that night. So we discuss this and it transpires it has happened before, and there may be an issue. Alarm bells ring. (Where they are based during the year, they have no access to casinos so they hadn't been to a casino before together).
I get home on Tuesday and my dd is in floods of tears outside and bf in the room by himself. They had a disagreement as they had plans for the day and he changed them and wanted to take a taxi to a different casino. My dd said no, she didn't want to do that and called me to ask if she could go, I read between the lines and said no, she doesn't have the money for taxis etc as she has also already overspent. We have a very open relationship like that, she will always mention where she will be going etc, I have been a single mum to her and that is just how we work. I get home and the radio is on, but with no sound. They aren't speaking. She and I chat, and then they chat and the evening carries on quite ok. Then yesterday...... they had plans to go watch a film and it is their last day at home. We have two movie houses nearby, one is in a mall and one in a casino centre. I say to her that its probably best to go to the mall one, it is closer, cheaper and the film they wanted to see was showing, (and there is no casino there.) They get back last night and I can see dd is not happy. On the way to the mall, he said no they are going to the other one instead (the one with the casino), DD says no they are not as she booked the tickets already etc etc. They go to the mall and not the casino centre, he sleeps all the way through the film and you could cut the tension with a knife when they got back.
I'll cut this bit short, she and I chat, they chat and she tells him that she knows he has a problem which he didn't mention, and she wont enable it. He tells her that isn't her place to do etc etc.
So, this is my conundrum now.... I have said to dd that I think I need to mention this to his mum. It turns out now has had an issue in the past ( he won a lot of money before and it is now in an investment account, I am talking a lot of money , this was last year at age 18). Dd has begged me not to speak to his mum about it, she said she told me to help her navigate this, but not for me to be causing further issues with his mother. But if this was my child staying at someone else's house, I would want to know if something like this happened.
So, they may know and are turning a blind eye?
I don't know if this relationship will last now as DD has now stood up to him and he does not like that one bit.
But his mother has been checking in with me to see how it is going, so by not saying something, I am essentially lying saying everything is ok.
If I tell her:
I break DD's trust
She takes his side and they won't be as open with me as they have been.
WWYD please?
I just want to say that I am proud of my dd for not just sitting back and accepting this, but it is making things difficult for her now.