I've just plucked up enough courage to write this...(please be kind - in a bit of a crap place mentally). Just need some advice/help/wondering if I have any rights to leave an unhappy relationship because I have messed up. Very confused. I apologise in advance, this is going to be long read...
(A bit of background)
I've been with my partner for almost three years. At the beginning, everything was wonderful, but we met at a bit of a crazy time. Both doing a very intensive uni course, but still a good relationship just getting to know each other. He told me that had an addictive personality and one of my uni friends said to be careful as he did come across as 'possessive'. We both fell hard, and in hindsight the relationship moved far too fast. A few months into our course - Covid hit. Didn't see each other for a long time, reconnected and then spent as much time together as we could. He met by DC and they bonded well. After a while, we both moved to a new area to find jobs and then our problems started. I messed up massively as I lied to him about certain things. I was also messaging somebody else at the very beginning of the relationship (I never physically cheated) but what I was doing and saying I would say it was a form of cheating.
My phone was hacked, and the hacker sent him all the messages to my partner's phone, but my partner never told me. I also did some risqué online work many years before I met my partner, and the hacker sent him images of me and he would always hit the roof when he saw them. I have hurt my partner dreadfully, and I am truly sorry for everything I have done to hurt him. I have tried my absolute best to make it up to him in the years that have followed.
In 2021 - things hit the fan. As if Covid wasn't enough to contend with, my partner lost 3 close family members and a dear friend. It was horrendous and my partner was suicidal. I tried my best to support my partner but I found it hard to deal with too. My partner at the time was also working at a very tough school and he was constantly up and down with his moods. I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells
- (I still am now). I think my partner has a form of bipolar. His sister was diagnosed with it too. He did get some counselling before we left, although it was short. A
mental health nurse said he had anger issues, and needed anger counselling. He also needed other forms of counselling too - basically quite a lot. The angry issues I have always blamed myself for - because of the lying and also the 'cheating'. He's also said a few times that I am the reason why his mental health is the way it is.
I have given him multiple chances to leave me - but he always gets angry and refuses.
At the end of 2021, we both moved abroad as were both offered jobs and I thought a fresh start was for the best. We have been living in Asia now for several months and things couldn't be worse. We have completely drifted apart - we don't have any intimacy ,I don't love him the way he should be loved. My DC and him have no relationship either, and I'm scared that she'll think I've put him before her.
I decided that I needed to be honest with him about my feelings and from reading a few posts on Mumsnet - I decided to tell him how I felt. I thought at first he had taken the news well. He was calm, but things quickly escalated. He was soon hurling all kinds of insults at me - took mine and DC's passports, laptop and phone and wouldn't give them back. Threatened to smash them up if I sought help, Called me a 'slag' and a 'rat', and threatened to tell my mum about my past and DC too. He also said he was going to write a post on FB telling everyone what I was like. Oh, and he also threatened to smash my teeth in.
He also threatened me last month too when we had an argument and I decided to leave him. I thought he was close to hitting me. He came very close to my face, and I was scared.
I started packing my stuff up quickly to get out of the house and he started apologising profusely, and held me down so I couldn't leave. (Like a bear hug type of hold, but he was too strong and I can't get him off me). I told him through my tears that he needed to let me go, but he said he wanted to be with me forever and he wanted to be my life partner etc.
Anyway, this time I thought he would actually leave but he didn't. I begged him to - but again it's the same, an apology and he's in bed with me the same night.
I'm left feeling like my feelings don't matter. Truth be hold, I have always felt like his mother.I used to be such an independent, confident and self-assured person. Now, I don't even recognise myself. I have put on 3 stone. I look old and tired. I am constantly stressed and feel very smothered and trapped. I am always doing things to try and please him. Always asking him about his feelings etc, and he rarely asks me. I didn't notice his possessiveness at first, but as time as gone on I can see it more and more. For instance, he'll get annoyed when I don't meet him at the gym, slam doors and make comments such as, ' Go and find someone else then'. And I've just come back into our bedroom and he's asking me questions about the time I went to bed in a huffy and puffy mood. He thinks I haven't been to bed with him. I just got up early as I had to teach a lesson and took some time after to quickly to type this.
I am left with this scenario now. He is potentially going to a wedding next month. I see this as a window to leave. I have been counting down the days, but feel so guilty. I think he knows that I might do this so he's suggesting not going and trying to be overly affectionate with me.
I feel I don't deserve to be happy though. I am scared of what he'll do and say, and feel so guilty that I've hurt him. I just want to put my daughter first and try and rebuild myself and my confidence. I am at an all-time low. Do I have any rights?! Should I stay, and keep trying?
Sorry for the long post. Ready to be hold some harsh truths - thanks for listening.x