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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being strung along

14 replies

applejuice88 · 25/08/2022 03:09

Here's a story for you of something that happened to me and I want to know from others what they think and what they would have done in my situation.

Essentially a girl joined my company at work. We started to get to know each other through company gatherings and I started to have a crush on her. We started to flirt and roast each other daily to the point it became very natural and in front of others. Only at work though, nothing outside of work. She wasn't flirting with anyone else. During a company outing, a friend asked her if she was seeing anyone or dating anyone or is there any person she usually hangs out with beyond her girlfriends. She said no. She was even asked her sexual orientation and she said she was straight. I tried to casually ask her out but her response to me usually was that she wasn't free that weekend. This happened a couple of times and I assumed that she was just not interested in me because there's no way that someone can always be that busy. Things continued and we still flirted/roasted. Other people in the office were even suspecting what's going on between us and started to ask questions. Then later, she asked me if I wanted to go to a concert and what kind of music I like. She invited me to a concert but she also invited another girl and a friend of hers. We bought the tickets and the event was set. I didn't mind that her friends were coming because it's still an opportunity to hang and also listen to good music. Later, I asked her out for lunch - just the two of us because I thought - why not. She said yes to that and we planned ahead. We went out for lunch to a good restaurant and it wasn't bad at all. The conversation was good. I asked her if she was doing anything later and wanted to hang out - same answer, she was busy.

Finally the concert came. We walked together to the place and she was always on her phone. We met up with the other girl and then go to the concert where we got our seats. Things were alright. Now, comes the surprise. The "friend" that she wanted to bring was actually her boyfriend. Neither me or the girl who was friends with her knew that she had a boyfriend. She doesn't have any pictures of this boyfriend on her social media and she doesn't even follow her own boyfriend's instagram account. It was a bit surprising but it was quite obvious because they got very touchy-feely during the concert. It became super awkward because now it was just me and this other girl. It became kind of a date for us and we got to know each other pretty well.

However, I was still a bit disappointed and shocked. I'm not going to lie that it felt like a knife just stabbed my heart. I still enjoyed the concert but the next day, we are back to work and I have to see this girl again. Obviously, my entire tune has changed now. I understood that I just misread all the signals and was strung along. I felt like an idiot and foolish. I acted normal during work but obviously I don't feel like flirting/roasting anymore. Yet this person is still doing so? I don't really get what her deal is. It seems she just wanted attention. In any case, I'll ignore her for the rest of my life but I just wanted to know if something like this has ever happened to anyone else and why would someone do this? I realize if it was unintentional and she was just being friendly, but why keep a boyfriend secret? When she was asked if she had a boyfriend, why say no? All the times I asked her out, she could have simply stated she had plans with her boyfriend and that would have given me enough information to stop trying. She could have also stated that she was bringing her boyfriend to the concert, but she used the word, "friend".

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 25/08/2022 03:14

Just be friends

lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/08/2022 03:19

Sounds like she enjoys both the attention from you and the attention it draws at work. Back away.

bluejelly · 25/08/2022 03:19

She does sound like you strung you along. But nothing you can do. I'm sure it stings like hell now, but it will pass. Also going out with anyone at work can be rather awkward so maybe you dodged a bullet there...

applejuice88 · 25/08/2022 03:22

I hate to bring the show, "The Office", but Jim and Pam also flirted/roasted each other knowing that Pam was already engaged to another guy. Jim eventually confessed to Pam and Pam shot him down saying that he misinterpreted things. I think though if that were to happen in real life, would you really tell a girl that? If the girl really liked Jim, wouldn't she have broken the engagement anyways? Pam may have been engaged to Roy for 3 years, but do you think that she would ever in front of Jim, just make out with Roy?

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 25/08/2022 03:24

Think it's bed time

Justcallmebebes · 25/08/2022 13:57

What's roasting?

KatherineSwynford1403 · 25/08/2022 14:00

Justcallmebebes · 25/08/2022 13:57

What's roasting?

I was just about to ask that. I've heard about it in an unsavoury way to do with footballers, and also turkeys and potatoes. But in this context? Not a clue.

Watchkeys · 25/08/2022 14:22

You're not on telly. Someone with a partner flirted with you. That's it. The rest is your self created drama.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 15:12

I can imagine how it hurts, OP. Don't flirt with her any more. Just be as pleasant and professional as you would with any other colleague. She may not have been with this man when she said she didn't have a boyfriend, it may be a new relationship. But she wasn't really honest with you, so I wouldn't continue to think of her as someone special.

fedup078 · 25/08/2022 15:13

I'm sure I've seen multiple threads on this, from a young male in America I'm guessing?

DitzyBluebells · 25/08/2022 15:35

So much drama OP

Roasting is banter/taking the piss, people.

Just sounds like that's how she is with friends. I wouldn't even call it flirting.

You said you asked her out casually. How was she to know it was romantic if she's straight, has openly said that in front of you and you're same sex? I'm guessing she's acted like it was friends hanging out because friends is all she sees you as and has no idea of your romantic feelings towards her. Although she will now if your behaviour suddenly changes after this night out.

The secret boyfriend was perhaps a new relationship and she brought it out into the open the night of the concert? Perhaps the two of them don't label themselves boyfriend/girlfriend yet?

I can see someone lying at work to shut down a conversation. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get into your romantic relationships with workmates. The thing about being asked if she's dating anyone and her sexual orientation etc was damn rude and incredibly weird. Who says, after getting a no to asking if someone is in a relationship or dating, if they have anyone in particular they hang out with other than their girlfriends it's so bizarrely specific, and nosy. Her sexual orientation is nobodies business either. If I was on the receiving end of such weirdness I'd shut down the conversation too.

Watchkeys · 25/08/2022 16:26

I didn't mind that her friends were coming

What position did you see yourself as being in, that you might mind in the first place?

applejuice88 · 25/08/2022 16:32

Justcallmebebes · 25/08/2022 13:57

What's roasting?

It's just teasing back and forth, banter.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 25/08/2022 19:06

Well, at first, I was going to give you “a roasting” for reading too much into workplace banter. But, to be honest, I’ve done the same (read more into something than there is) when I’ve fancied someone.

Bitter pill to swallow and a dint to the ego when you find out they’re just being them and it’s not actually flirting and there’s no hidden meaning / secret attraction from them to you they’re leaking out and you get the knock-back for misreading the situation.

Sorry. It’s life. Now I assume all workplace banter is just that. Even if I’m having a secret crush on a colleague. I don’t read anything more into it than it being a way of brightening up a mundane day at the office.

But to “never speak to them again” is a bit petulant and childish, not to mention unprofessional. Snap out of that.

On a lighter note, I know “roasting” as a sexual fetish involving three people, so if you was doing THAT at work, what are you complaining about Grin

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