Loving together

[Aaaalltheboys]

I have children from previous relationship. I’ve been with “new” boyfriend for 3 years. He doesn’t want us to live together… this is either perfect (get to keep all my independence, bring up children as I like) or not (a bit like having 2 parallel lives). Any experiences of living together or not and how it worked out?

**living!

Plenty of long term relationships work living apart / keeping own homes. It's more expensive but more independence & space.
Only you can decide if it works for you or not.

I have done this, and it works very well.

It's better for the children not to have to share their home with another adult who isn't a family member. It's also better for you to be able to bring them up exactly as you want to, without someone else wading in.

It's the best of both worlds IME. The huge majority of the problems mentioned on here about relationships come about as a result of people sharing a living space. You just don't get this if you're living separately.

Surely the question you should be asking (yourself) is are you happy with the fact that HE has decided that he doesn't want to live together with you.

Whether anyone else's experiences of "living together or not and how it worked out" are just that - ie other people's experiences. Not yours. Everyone rise's circumstances are different and what works for one may not necessarily work for another.

Has he said "why" he doesn't want to live together?

*everyone else's

Thank you all - food for thought!

He has said it would be a big life adjustment. I understand that. It isn’t straightforward as if I was completely footloose and fancy free I would definitely want to live with the person I was seeing. But that isn’t the boat I’m in, and actually having more independence may suit me (the children) well.

I'd go with keeping your independence then. That way you get the relationship you want and need for both you and your children.

Well, if it suits you, and it suits him, and you can afford it - what does it matter what anyone else thinks ?

Both me and my partner of 7 years live with our parents and apart. I'm 5 months pregnant and we will continue to live apart. Doesn't affect our relationship in any way no matter what people think or say about it

Just throwing in another perspective, @Aaaalltheboys

I would not even begin to contemplate living with a man who had dependent children if I didn't have them too. It's all too complicated. I wouldn't want to be a quasi-parent to someone else's children when mine have finally flown the nest and given me some freedom back!

Well, becoming parents does affect everyone's relationship.
You aren't there yet.

If the father of my child wasn't pulling his weight with broken nights then it would very much affect my relationship with him.

I won't live with anyone while the kids are at home and my last living apart together relationship worked really well on this basis.

I'm not entirely sure I want to live with another man again tbh.

I can't think of any reason why I'd live with a man again either. I can entirely see the point of having a man in my life, and am very happy with the one I have got - but not a live-in one. I like my house and I like the way I do things. Living with other people is always a compromise and on the whole the minuses outweigh the pluses.

Yup.
Blended families living together is the quickest way to kill a relationship imo - just look at all the threads on here daily!

I guess if both parties aren't financially able to support a decent standard of living, people are forced to make these compromises.

Thank you all - this is really interesting! A lot of my friends think that I should be looking for “dad number 2” but the kids have dad number 1 already and to be honest he is enough to contend with!!

My only comment and observation would be, does he live close enough for you to have some sort of cohesion and overlap in your lives?

It can get a little bit wearing after 3+ years of living your life in strictly separate compartments, and I think proximity in these scenarios really helps.

I spent 3+ years in a living apart relationship, but there was geographic distance too in the mix. So it ended up being an EOW relationship, which after 3 years starts to feel like long term dating. And as a single parent of 3 with a FT job, you end up feeling like you’re cramming a relationship in and around your life. Or at least having little pockets or fragments of time and then going back to your “real” life. For me, although I don’t want the living together / blended set up, I’d want more than what is essentially long term dating.

My living apart relationship recently ended and lack of cohesion / living two different lives was one of the factors. I started to weigh up the balance of risks and benefits and realised also I was compromising building an all important social network by giving all my windows of time to what was essentially a long term dating (also with some geographic distance) relationship. It ended up being too much of a compromise, e.g single and alone for all the hard parts, facing life fully alone as a single woman in all meaningful respects, but sort of “with” someone who is very much in the background and not actually there when the going gets tough. It wore me down after 3 years.

I've been seeing my partner for the last 8.5 years and we live 10 miles apart.

I have two adult children at home and he has his teenage son living with him.
There would be arguments if we all lived together so it suits us. We're planning to live together when the kids have left home.

this sums up my concern I think…. Long term dating and still being solo for all the hard parts! All helpful when weighing things up, which is why I posted :)

Feel free to PM me @Aaaalltheboys

Like you I’m very independent, full time busy professional job + very accustomed to running my own home.

But, it was like living a double life. Neat separate compartments, and really I was the one more exposed. The time spent in long term dating relationship was at the expense of building up other areas of my life, eg local networks. It was all tidily ring fenced. I would live life, make decisions, and plan, as if I was a fully single woman. Except I wasn’t. It was neatly compartmentalised, but I feel more in his favour. The abrupt jolt from going from mum, to employee, to girlfriend, wearing these very separate and different roles. And then, real life happens, someone gets sick/you need a favour - and that person isn’t in your team. You’re running two separate engines. Which is fine if both parties are equally benefitting/protected.

It’s hard to be attached, but at the same time not part of a team. If you see what I mean. Not saying it can’t be done and I do agree with the sentiment expressed by most on this thread, just sharing my slant on it.

I am divorced with kids and a bf.
I think - for me it would depend on how the relationship is otherwise. And whether he wants to spend time with you only,
or whether he does spend some time with you and the kids.
I think - having someone who sees your kids as competition for your time and doesn’t want to be around you+them at all - is something that won’t work in the long term, as you’ll be constantly being pulled in different directions and feeling guilty.

But someone who gets along with your kids, and does spend time at you home when they are there - but also goes to his own place and gives you space to be with the kids - is actually a perfect solution.

A little also depends on your kids ages. If they were tiny and their dad weren’t around - I can see needing someone who wanted to integrate into a ‘ready-made’ family. If yours are going to be teenagers soon - it’s better to have your space.