Should I stay or go?

[Stora]

I've never posted but don't have anyone in RL who I can talk to. It's a really long story so I apologise in advance.
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. During that time he has been quite domineering and unpleasant at times. We went through a very bad patch where I was suffering with PND and self medicating with alcohol (I deeply regret this). I was on anti depressants too. He was not supportive and actually put me down quite a lot, shouting at me, blaming me for things out of my control. I was scared to tell him if I'd done something wrong as I would be shouted at (actually this continued until fairly recently).
I'm trying to be fair so I can get a rounded viewpoint. He was working a lot and working on the house in days off - he says now he only behaved like that due to stress. But I felt disrespected, unappreciated and pretty worthless.
I am now in a better place, I got myself off the alcohol and antidepressants but still felt those things. I lost any sexual desire for him as, as he has a highish sex drive this led to his resenting me. I would have sex to make sure he wasn't moody with us but I didn't really want to. I would kind of see it as a duty and something that made him easier to live with. This damaged my self esteem quite badly.
Unfortunately we didn't properly discuss it. I, when I was stronger, told him not to speak to us like that. It didn't really improve until I told him that I didn't love him anymore. He has made changes and is better all round. But the feelings I had for him are gone.
I also, recently, had a brief affair with someone that had supported me and pretty much told me not to put up with the bullshit. We kind of fell for each other. He is the opposite of my husband. Kind, thoughtful, loving, supportive. But I know that this was completely the wrong thing to do when still married.
Sorry this is so long. My husband knows about it and I was convinced to try on the marriage again. As we have children, and a house etc etc. But I feel empty. I feel like I am sacrificing my happiness, self worth, everything. I'm doing it for the children but I feel nothing for my husband and don't want to be intimate and feel pressurised into sex like before.
I guess I need advice. I feel like the most selfish person for wanting to leave, like I am disregarding my children's happiness/security for me. Like I should just suck it up and hope the feelings come back. But I feel dead inside. I don't want to leave him for someone else necessarily. I just don't want to be here in this situation. I know it will be hard and I'm extremely worried about damaging the children (which is why I'm here) but I just feel so lost. I have friends but H thinks they give bad advice. We've talked to a counsellor but he didn't approve of her (she kind of told him he was an emotional abuser). I just feel stuck and selfish and guilty all the time.
Sorry again for the rambling post. I'm writing it before I lose my nerve. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks

I think it would be a very good idea to go to a counsellor again, but this time on your own. And don't tell him you are going.

You need to start thinking about not just the dc but yourself too. They are currently living in a home where their father abuses their mother, and that is not healthy for them. So don't assume that you must stay with him 'for the sake of the children'. That is a fallacy.

Thanks for the reply. I know what you are saying regarding the children living in the house. As I said he isn't behaving like that anymore but they have witnessed stuff in the past. I think as he is the only person I'm speaking to and he can sound very reasonable I'm struggling not to just see the breaking up of the family as all my fault due to the affair. Which is his point of view.

I am trying to get counselling.

Thanks again.

You frame this as being all about you prioritising the children, but you haven't been. You have exposed your children to a life of tension and adult issues, and they have had no choice in that. You having an affair was something that suited you and made you feel better but now you're forcing your children to live amongst animosity because you wanted the affair and also the marriage - and somehow you have figured that this is all about what's best for the kids?

@decayingmatter I deserve that. I didn't see leaving as an option but I should have. I didn't realise how bad it was for everyone, specially the DC.

I can certainly resonate with some comments in your post.

I do not know your husband or how he would react to this but, would you not be able to sit down with him and just tell him exactly how you feel and that you both need to talk about issues, why they happened and if you both really want to work on saving your marriage?

You both have to really want it, take the time to listen to each other no matter how hard or painful the conversation is. This is it, the end of the line. Being open and honest with each other will cement if you can be stronger or need to separate. Talk about why you did these things (such as the affair) how you were feeling at the time and what void it was filling. If you can both explain your thoughts and feelings behind your actions and how you can move on and improve on your relationship - it might just work.

All the best.

Go OP. You've tried your best. A counsellor has confirmed he's abusive. You're not happy. You had an affair which taught you there is better out there for you. This isn't good for your children. Who is benefitting from this situation?

Go. It’s done. And has been done for a long time. Get out and stay out. No hopeful chats or promises of counselling. Rip off the plaster. Regardless of who is right or wrong, if your life is involving drinking to excess, anti depressants and an affair, something is very off. You don’t have to live like this. Good luck x

OP, you mention that he has improved recently after you told him you didn't love him. His improvements haven't been enough to revive your love. But might they be enough to build on, if you had a serious talk or got him to try counselling again? If you think there's a possibility, this might be worth a try.

Otherwise, I think you just have to accept it's over, and you don't want your children growing up in a house with parents who despise each other.