Online dating - what should I be looking for?

[Datingadvice]

I have started dating after I left my abusive ex. Sadly I don’t have the luxury of time as I am 37 and want to meet a decent partner and hopefully start a family. I’ve scrolled through thousands of likes in a couple
of weeks. I don’t like many in return. Im
chatting to a couple of men. One has asked me out on a date. His messages are very respectful and engaging which I like and is quite rare!

He’s older, 46, and has never been married nor has kids but he says he is looking for a relationship and wants a family. My concern is that it’s a fairly big age gap and how had he got to 46 without being married or kids? Is he a commitment
phobe?

My ex and the one before him were huge commitment phobes and I just don’t have the energy or time to waste on these type of men anymore. It’s shocking how many men in their 40s claim they don’t know what they are looking for (eg relationship or marriage or casual) and not sure if they want kids or not. This is listed in in their profiles. Men my age seem not to want to date women my age. So I’m ending up with thousands of likes from men in their 40s and 50s.

Most men on dating apps are keeping their options open, trying to say whatever will appeal to the most women to try and get a shag. Sounds like you have a good sense of what you are looking for and what you aren't. Standard advice is always to mix in real life opportunities to meet men, friends of friends, sports, meetup groups as well as OLD and maybe join the dating thread on here for some wise advice.

I must have had a good experience. I met my boyfriend online I’m 40. He’s younger. We’ve been together a year and a half, he’s actually the first date I went on and just so happens he lives round the corner we had just never seen each other before!

I think an older man is less likely to be looking for what you are.
I'm dating guys in their 40s-50s and they will say anything (including that they want to start and family/want another family) to get a date/in your knickers.
Most of them really aren't capable of being in successful relationships.

I'm assuming guys in their 30s are a better catch - younger, fun, more energy, less jaded etc.

I think an older man is less likely to be looking for what you are. I’m dating guys in their 40s-50s and they will say anything (including that they want to start and family/want another family) to get a date/in your knickers. Most of them really aren't capable of being in successful relationships.

This is what I’m worried about.

Guys in 30s aren’t swiping on me. It’s mostly 40s.

This guy who has asked me out is very nice looking, good job etc. He must have swiped on so many women to get to me. I can’t help but think - there must be something wrong with him.

I am late 50s and never been married but I am not a commitment phobe, just never wanted to risk losing half my assets to divorce. There are many reasons for no marriage or children. He may not have been ready for that lifestyle until now. Nothing wrong with that. However, as posters have said, men on dating apps will say anything for a shag. There are perhaps .01% on there that are genuinely looking for that special person. Get a date fixed and go snd see what he is about. Be mindful if he is presenting as good looking and good job may turn out to be the opposite. Try and have fun with the dating process, don’t get too bogged down with the what, ifs and buts.

My brother is mid 40s and never been married/had kids etc. Nothing wrong with him (as far as I know) just hasn't found anyone he wants to settle down with and does like to do his own thing.

A man (of any age) saying he is not sure what sort of relationship he wants so he is keeping his opinions open, is looking for casual sex. There is no harm in meeting the guy for a coffee but don’t get too invested.

Have you considered going it alone Op,@Datingadvice ?

There is no guarantee you will meet someone suitable and if you do the relationship may not get to the TTC stage but which point you may end up losing even more time/years.

Personally, I'd steer well clear of such a big age gap above you. If you aren't getting many swipes then perhaps you need to have a nother look at your profile. Is there enough of your personality and interests on there for someone to work with? Do you explicitly say you want children soon? That might be putting of some people and attracting people who feel they could take advantage of that.

My advice, don't agonise or focus too much on the guys until you meet, and meet lots. Don't become a penpal, this is a numbers game

1. Match
2. Initial chat, they should ask you out within 3ish days, if they don't, move on
3. Phone chat before date, or before they ask you out
4. Date. Decide whether there's a connection and want to meet again.

Can do this process with a few guys at a time.

My divorced SIL was fed lines just like this from an older man when she was in her 30s, it turned out he was lying about everything including his age! But unfortunately she didn't find out for months. If you really like a guy I would literally invest in a private investigator to check him out before you waste time and money.

I of course mean after a few dates and when it looks like you want to be together, not immediately 😄

Be absolutely brutal,they will be with you.
Meet early, if they are unsuitable (if ANYTHING isn't right at all) make your excuses, leave, block on the way home after a polite text.
If they only text during the day they are married.
If they are "sharing the family home because of the kids" they are married.
If they won't engage on social media, they are married.
If they make sexual comments before you meet, or ask about your sex drive, block.
"Crazy ex" block
Tight with money, block
Love bombing, block
Negging, block

Know your worth, be suspicious until you're sure about them

Kiss on first dates! Is there chemistry? No? It won't improve. Block.

Be super fussy, never seem desperate and take control of the situation.

I did Internet dating for 2 years, there is a HUGE number of married, inadequate men trying to get their dicks wet. They stand out and are generally fucking pathetic individuals.

Good luck!

litterbird he’s not one of those model types that i immediately swipe no to. he’s more nice and normal looking I would say. Not showy off. No babies or puppies in pics. No fish. No topless photos. Most of the men are horrendous. His messages have been totally nice too. Be been unmatching the ones who say ‘hi sexy’.

GinnyJelly I’d say most men I swipe through have said they aren’t sure what they are looking for. These are mostly men in their 40s! Clearly looking for shags. I swipe no instantly. Then there are the men who say they are looking for a relationship but aren’t really...

zonky I don’t want to go it alone but may have to. I think I may give online dating a real go for a year while looking into my options. I don’t have that much money or support to go it alone though.

Hillrunning I get hundreds of likes a day - it takes an awful lot of time to go through the profiles. Men my age want to date younger so it’s mostly 40s - 50a liking me. And the great majority want something casual or don’t know what they’re looking for. So I end up liking only a handful from hundreds and hundreds every week. I’m on bumble. All my details are on my profile and I will be clear about what I am looking for on first date and see his reaction.

HeathcliffsCathy sorry to hear about your SIL. This is why I’m asking for tips and advice. private investigator - interesting never thought of that !

*Meseekslookatme These are great tips thank you!

Hi Op,

I noticed in one of the replies to a previous pp to going it alone that it is something you may consider.

I'm a solo mother by choice and I used a sperm donor to conceive aged 39.

I was OLD aged 37-38/39 and I was also wanting a family. Although I did have two brief relationships with two nice men, ultimately our life goals and timelines didn't align, and I was in a constant state of anxiety and panic whether motherhood/Parenthood would ever happen for me, it was the most stressful time in my life. I'm now on the other side of it, and my wonderful son is here, and I am genuinely happy with my life now but I had to reframe my situation and I realised that I'd not be willing to invest any more time or emotional capacity in to OLD as it was too unpredictable at that point in my life, and I wanted to take agency to some degree.

Have you had any fertility tests done? They can provide a good indication of your current fertility situation which can help you make informed decisions.

Hi op, if you are getting hundreds of limes every day and they are all in their 50's snd 50's, you can easy sort that by altering your preferences.

Sorry typing too quick 40's and 50's

I would go for it, age is just a number and there could be many reasons behind being single. Be open minded and stay safe, you never know.
I found my other half on tinder, there is a significant age gap, I’m late 30’s. He lived locally and I kept seeing him around he is attractive and looked around mid 40s I assumed he was married taken blah blah, anyway I saw him out a few places looked like he was on dates so I went to tinder to see if I could find him. Turns out my age range was limiting me, I upped it slightly and there he was, I was taken a back when I realised how young he looks for his age! (Very fit, triathlete and divorced) we swiped and dated it’s been the best 3 years! Go for it!

Yes - you need to change your age preferences!

Why would you want to date guys 10-20 years older than you if you are looking to start a family?

Those guys probably already have children.

twoqueens you'd be surprised how many don't have kids and claim to be 'never married, no kids yet'. which concerns me.

anthurium I'm in exactly the same boat as you were! Yes it is very stressful, my anxiety comes in waves. I will get a fertility test done and reach out to you directly/privately if you don't mind with questions?

@Datingadvice Hi, yes no problem.

@Datingadvice Hi yes no problem