Where would he go?

[Pinacolada55]

I want to seperate from my husband. Been wanting to for at least 3/4 years now. I've let it go on but my feelings haven't changed. We have tried to address the issues, tried to make changes but it quickly reverts back.

I've always had in my head that once I pluck up the courage to say its over, he will leave on the same day and I can begin my new life. Of course I know it's not that simple.

But after reading many threads on here and giving it all a lot of thought, we would have to continue living together until our house is sold and we both buy our own places. This can take months!! How can people live like that? I can't even bare the thought of it. Once I tell him he will hate my guts, yet we will still have to live together? I can't believe I have trapped myself in this situation, two kids, entwined finances etc. What a mess.

I wish every day he would have an affair and just leave me and walk out.

Bump

If it’s you that wants to end the marriage, why don’t you leave the house?

Well, you've got to bite the bullet or you'll be in the same place another 4 years down the line.

Would you rather months of living together whilst going down the separation route, or years being unhappy and trapped?!

In afraid if it is you who wants out of the marriage, you are going to have to leave. That means having a plan of action in place first.

Can you afford to rent?
Would you be entitled to any benefits?

Once he knows the score re: your relationship and there's a plan in place, it won't seem as daunting because you will know ultimately that you will be obtaining your freedom.

No, she'd be silly to leave the house. She needs to stay put with the kids while they sort out the financials and sell up if needs be.

If he goes, great for her, if he stays & sits it out as well, so be it.

If you’re the one who wants to end the marriage, assuming he’s not abusive, the onus is on you to make it happen and that might involve you finding a new home.

Your idea that you would just get to say it’s over and he would have to move out of the family home on the same day so you could start your new life is just really odd. How would you feel if positions were reversed?

@Dery It's not that odd, it's clearly just a fantasy - who wouldn't want to skip the hard bit and be at the end point where it's all sorted out and they can't start their new lives? It's the fear of the upheaval and unpleasantness that's kept OP in place for the last few years.

can, not can't 😀

I'm in a similar situation, even if we sell the house, we won't have enough for even 2 flats around here and we have too much in savings to be entitled to any help. Living apart together is grim, but necessary while we are trying to get it all worked out. Good luck OP

I'm living in the hellish limbo that is being separated but under one roof. However shitty it is I have a lot of hope for the future now and am excited for that, although there seems a lot to get through first. Do you have lots of supportive friends? Could you each take turns to have a few nights out of the marital home and stay with friends when not in the house?

He won’t leave till he has to. Why would he? Either tell him and you leave or put up with however long it takes to divorce, sell and buy and know you’ll have an end in sight.

I did it; had conversation to split in Sept and house didn't complete until May (he stalled at every opportunity). It underlined just how right the decision to split was. I'd do it again in a shot as we now have no joint house or financial tie.

It was a fairly hellish time and I tried to be out as much as I could to avoid conflict but it was so so worth it

Well I certainly wouldn't leave and leave my children here, and I can't really take them anywhere with me apart from my parents. So how can I leave?
I'm pretty surprised at these comments, I thought kids meant you can stay in the family home until 18?

Perhaps he wants to take care of the kids, they are his after all.

If he asks for 50/50 custody then you both need somewhere the kids can stay.

I think you would need a court order called a mesher for that, I think those have fallen out of favour now as more ppl look for a clean break

I’d be inclined to stay unless your husband is particularly abusive.

I left my first husband and moved out while we sold the house and it was a nightmare. He became “depressed” the house was a pigsty, it was difficult getting viewings done and work done when there was an issue with the house as he was completely uncooperative.

I stayed in the house whilst separating from my second and husband and it wasn’t pleasant but ultimately much less stressful than the first time. In some ways it was easier than before we separated as I could just walk out the room if he started one of his rants.

You can try for a mesher order, sure. It's not guaranteed you'd get one.

The kids need to be housed, yes, (but so will your ex and he'll need to have somewhere for them to stay when he has contact). So you can't assume you get to stay put in the house until they're adults.

You need to go and talk to a solicitor who can lay out the options for you, and give you a picture of what they think is most likely.

What if childcare is 50/50? Would he not then have the same right to the family home as you?

Also you said in your OP that you'd sell the home and buy 2 new places? If that's the case a mesher order wouldn't work

God knows, all sounds like a rediculous hassle which is why I've not done it. I was going to wait until the kids are older (another 5 years) to make the custody thing etc easier as they'd be older teens, but I posted about it before on here under a different name and was told not to do that either as its bad for the children who thought they lived in a happy home. Can't win really. Feel so trapped.

You can’t win with unrealistic expectations. The kids need to be housed and so do both of you. You both own the house, you both have a right to live there. It currently takes whatever you’re both earning to maintain your life in one house unless you’re jointly very wealthy with low housing costs, it’s always a stretch for the same money to fund two separate households, of course it does.

You sound like you’re expecting him to continue paying towards the family home and pay himself to live somewhere else, till the DC are 18? Why would he do that?

And even if he had an affair you couldn’t kick him out and he might not wish to leave.

As @AnneLovesGilbert says, you have to be realistic.

You're not trapped, but you do have accept that if you end the marriage, you will also split resources and time with the kids with him. You can't just expect him to poof out of existence and leave your situation just the same.

If you're miserable as you are, maybe not getting to stay in the house and downsizing, while a loss materially, would be a gain emotionally.

Waiting until the kids are older - how long - after GCSEs? after A levels? There's always something - and are you showing them the sort of relationship model you'd like them to recreate?

There's no convenient or painless way of ending a marriage. It's whether you're prepared to deal with short-term pain and change in lifestyle, or whether you drag on being miserable for years on end.

You either start the process and get it over with or you continue to be miserable indefinitely. The choice is yours.m, and neither option will be easy, but at least the first one does have an end point eventually.

Because every divorce solicitor will tell you not too.... If she's primary carer why should she leave?