Am I a bit odd not wanting to socialise? Or is my life not that fulfilling?

[Nursemammato3]

I'm 44 and I'm a single parent to 3 dcs.
I have been on my own (divorced) 12 years. Dated someone for 18 months in between. I never wanted to do much with him. I don't really want to do much with anyone apart from my dcs.
My job is quite heavy and I'm tired when I get home. I never plan to meet friends. Always turn down work nights out. I'm not on any social media. I don't want to date. I don't even miss sex.
I listen to women at work talking about meals out, charity events, dates, weekends away, classes they attend.
I am so boring!

You are not boring. You are a mother who has been focused on raising her children. And you have worked hard over the years.

However - it does sound like you have totally dedicated your life to your kids and in the process have forgotten to take care of yourself. I am sure your kids benefited from that attention, but at the same time it’s not necessarily good for them to not see you as having your own life and own needs.

In addition - they must be all teenagers by now and in a few years they’ll be out of the house and want to have their own lives. And it will find it hard. Plus - they may worry about you and not be able to start their own lives properly.
You will still be young - not quite 50 yet.
Its too early to live/behave/ think like you are an old retired person confined to home life.

Of course not wanting to date or have sex is a choice. But being a recluse doesn’t need to be part of it.

I really hope you start finding joys in life that isn’t related to spending time with your kids.

If you are a nurse (as per your user name) then I'm sure your job is fairly social and you have a lot of contact with people?

That and your 3 children seems a decent amount of human interaction.

If you are happy as you are why worry?

Are you bored though or just concerned other people think you're boring compared to their busy lives?

If you're content then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks

Is your life boring to you or are you thinking others think your life is boring? The latter doesn't matter. I have a friend who was like you for ages. A mum working full time and raising children. She's a wondeful friend who now that her children have left home has more time to do things, but she still likes to keep her own company at home often. I am not single and don't have children but i also like a small life. I think it can be dull for others whose conversation is centered on what we've done or are going to do, but that's not my fault. So, are you happy with your level of engagement?

How old are the dc?

It sounds like you don't have a lot of time and you don't really have a lot of spare energy, emotional or physical, for other people right now.

if you're happy like that, it's not a problem.

You may struggle when the kids are adults and leave home 'though - although on the other hand, as they get older their independence will also free up energy and time for you to pursue hobbies/friendships.

I don’t socialise much. Busy work, 3 DCs, house to run. I’m very happy though, and it doesn’t worry me. I have lots of interaction at work and am not lonely. I am outward looking, interested in the outside world, just too many things to do. It will change when kids are older, but no, it doesn’t worry me. Does it worry you?

If you're exhausted from work and spending free time with your family, then of course you don't have much time for anything else!

I imagine you interact a lot at work. You have social skills (presuming you're a nurse), you just put others needs ahead of your own.

Clearly you're not boring if you're working and doing things with family, even if it's not spa days and dining.

It would be nice for you to have free time to do your own thing. It could even be a solo activity, something to break things up. Swimming, cycling, volunteering, gym?

I talk to and deal with a million people a day at work, (at least it feels like it), so the very last fucking thing I want to do when I'm off is to talk or see anyone besides my husband. You sound perfectly normal to me.

You do need to make time to do whatever will recharge you so life isn’t just devoting yourself to work and the DC and that’s it.

Recharging with a book in the garden or a podcast in the bath etc etc are all valid social pastimes, you don’t need to be around others any more than you want to.

We are all different, and so long as you are happy that is all that matters.
I would hate to be in a large social circle with lots going on - I even find it difficult to plan ahead, as I never quite know how I will feel on the day of the planned event.

It is important though, that you do re-charge your batteries in a way that you find enjoyable.

I used to have a really active work and social life.

Covid struck, I got pretty ill resulting in a disability.

Now I don't socialise at all, I'm starting up a small business (I can't work for an employer due to my disability), I've set myself up an art studio in a summer house in my garden, and I've never been more chilled or happy. No dramas, no pressure to go out, no having to listen to the problems of others. Just time with my kids and doing a hobby that I adore. I don't think its boring at all. There's more than one way to be content with life.

Im mega boring, except I would never describe myself as bored.

I dont really do a great deal except that the weekend flies by and Im left wishing I had more time.

Well yes, if I where you I would be bored silly, but I'm not so it doesn't matter!
Just consider what you plan to do when your children are older.
You often see empty nesters (mainly mums) that literally have no idea what to do with themselves when they have no children at home to focus on, do you have plans for when they leave?

This.

No one can tell you whether your life is fulfilling.

Does it feel fulfilling to you?

Thankyou all!
My dcs are teens.
No, I'm not bored. Sometimes wonder if I should be 'living' more. On days/evenings when my dcs are busy, I think 'would I like company?'. The answer is no. I'm not sure why I thought this as odd. You're right, if I'm ok about that, then so be it. I just wonder how I will be in years to come. I do worry I am going to be a bit of a recluse. With absolutely no opportunities to socialise becauseI have foreverturnedthem down. I wonder if I don't date, I will miss out on that opportunity.
My job as a nurse is very social, very heavy too. So, I find myself just wanting to not have to communicate. So I avoid social situations.
I suppose I sometimes wish there was a little bit more about me and wanted to have 'fun'.
Messybun - I'm sorry to hear that but happy to hear you are happy and feeling relaxed. I have a hidden disability (diagnosed 2 years ago) that impacts on me too so I understand how life can change and how we have to adapt to those changes. It can be tough.
I don't have a plan for when my dcs fly the nest. I guess that is what made me write here. I was sat alone and I have a week off work. A few days planned with dcs but nothing planned that involves adult company.
I have moved area so my plan is to join the new gym. Not for the gym but the swimming pool and I know they have classes there. It's saying it and doing it. Lost my mojo a little.
I do sometimes worry what people think. Only because I'm hearing what they got up to on weekends or on their AL and think oh, you sound busy. I don't have much to say. Especially one co worker, she is 55 and always doing something. I'm exhausted just listening to her.

Sometimes wonder if I should be 'living' more

Where does that 'should' come from? Who/what are you giving the authority to, to tell you that the way you do things isn't 'right'?

I suppose I am comparing to others. I just don't want life to pass me by. I'm not really sure. I sometimes feel a bit numb and wonder if it's because I don't do enough to start to 'feel' a little more.
I'm sorry, I'm probably not making sense!

A past poster mentioned not being able to plan in advance as they may feel differently on the day. That's me, so I avoid planning anything. Will I turn into a recluse.

Following with interest. Pre covid, I used to be the life and sole of the party. But since covid this has all changed and I don't know why. Fortunately, I was never affected by covid long term. I am much more content at home these days and just pottering around. I cant be bothered to get ready to go out, I don't want to pay the expensive pub/restaurant prices, I don't want to be out late then feeling wrecked the next day from lack of sleep and too much booze.

My friend on the other hand cant be home alone even for a few hours. She HAS to be doing something, anything, with someone, anyone. She books people in to do stuff weeks in advance so she is not home alone ever. I am exhausted just watching her dash here, there and everywhere and lining things up for the last hour of her weekend that she is due to be alone.

What if you did turn into a recluse? Do you think it's wrong to be one? Do you negatively judge other people who live that way?

What do you wish you were doing? What would your 'ideal' life look like?

I feel much the same. Im single 35 and have a 13yr old DS. Quite a few weekends have come up where he has had plans with friends and i have been more than content at home. I hate planning as i tend to then flake on people or cancel because in all honesty i just cannot be bothered. Work is super dull. Still WFH for the most part but could go into the office. I have forced myself to do this for the social aspect but really dont enjoy it. Up until recently i had a sort of LD relationship but this seems to be fizzling out, likely for the best as it was just getting more and more difficult to keep the excitement going. BUT i too feel like you and feel i am missing out on life. People seem to have jam-packed schedules, weekend trips, lunches/shopping days, spa days, concerts... clubs/bars, nights out. I do love exercise but workout at home as its way more enjoyable that at a gym. I do get invited sometimes to various things but more often that not decline and go for a nice country walk with my dog and DS if hes home and wants to join. I would also like to go out on dates but am not actively doing anything to make these dates happen, never ever trying OLD again it is horrendous. Guess you arent alone and I can only imagine how hectic working/juggling 3 kids is. It is such a hard feeling to describe, sort of content but at the same time thinking you shouldnt be content... perhaps thats just me and my feeling.

Covid has impacted massively! In so many ways!
Oh wow, that sounds exhausting! I physically couldn't keep up with that amount of socialising.
No, I don't judge. Not at all. I am quite envious of people who are content being alone. I question myself alot, what is it I want. I wish I had more about me that actually enjoyed socialising. I feel less and less wanting to. I feel less and less wanting to plan anything. I think I have had years of planning, making sure dcs are happy and having fun. The more they plan their own activities and social time with friends. The more I think, I can rest, not think anymore. I guess that's when I start to think, should I be doing something for me. I have even started to think about my dcs dad. It's been 12 years. How life may have turned out. Would we now be taking time to ourselves. Growing old together. I haven't thought about him in all this time. Strange!
It would be nice to have someone but I never feel comfortable. It would complicate life too much.
It would be nice to meet up with friends. I'm always so tired and think, I don't have anything to talk about.
There has been a few meet ups at work and I think to myself, should I go, will it do me good. Then I think of all the negatives that puts me off.
I have stopped meeting anyone. I had one friend who would call for a catch up now and again. I think she has given up (my fault).
WFH is something I think would be perfect for me. I do understand how it can be difficult as I get to do a bit of both which is nice. You are very good in motivating yourself to exercise at home, well done.

I feel the exact same I use to think there’s something wrong with me I’ve been a sahm/Carer for many many years so thought I might of lost how to be social and having social anxiety ect but Recently proven that wrong I just don’t enjoy it prefer staying at home with the DH luckily enough also anti social. For me I think social media is a huge problem (only use it for the videos lol) I see old school friend going out and a tiny part of me thinks I want to do that but a huge part is no way not worth the headache and bullshit drama but it still makes me feel not normal It’s odd.

spa days/weekends are lovely - but so expensive
concerts are too noisy/too many people/getting out after is hell (IME)
lunches - expensive and I always feel too full afterwards
clubs/bars - people knocking into you, drinks spilled down your back, the smell of beer farts, drunken idiots, dirty toilets, cattle market - no thanks

I may be old and boring but give me my slippers and a cuppa and quietness !

Absolutely nothing wrong with liking your own company at all particulalrly if you already have a lot of social interaction as part of your job.

The only thing that strikes me is that the way you have described it doesn't seem like you enjoy your life much - when you die looking back on your life, would you be happy with it? Or would you think "God I just went to work and came home, i just lived to work and take care of the kids, what a waste, I wish I'd done more of [anything that makes you happy] for me"

Its irrelevant WHAT the happy thing is - could be swimming, crochet, yoga, baking, walking, reading, whatever.

If this is wrong and you honestly are perfectly happy, and get joy from being with your kids at home and watching tv, or whatever you do then dont change a thing. In exactly the same way as your extrovert colleague presumably doesnt care that you would find her weekends exhausting, you shouldnt care that she might find your weekends boring.

But if YOU want to make your life less "boring" then you should - but in a way thats less boring FOR YOU not randomers you work with!

Ultimately theres no correlation between someone who is always out and someone who is interesting! I know lots of people who have various very intense hobbies that they are always out doing but tbh whenever they talk to me about them my eyes glaze over. Most people's hobbies and interests are only fascinating to others that share them!