Hi everyone
I posted last night and wasn’t sure if I should just add to that or start new … so I’ve started new
This may be long and please don’t feel you have too read … or reply …
last night I told my husband of 13 years that I want to separate.
he hasn’t taken it well.
he’s of course hurt and upset, begging me to keep trying, says I’m just impulsive and always wanting more … I feel like this relationship/marriage is not a healthy one and
it shouldn’t be this bloody hard.
I kinda just wanted to write out my reasons really for myself I guess so it’s there, it’s down but also maybe get an insight, opinions, to fix not to fix etc
we met when I was 14 he was 16 … it was a young and immature on and off relationship for a good few years … he picked me up and dropped me whenever he wanted and I let him basically. I loved him.
It wasn’t always pretty and I was often the one left hurt…. I mean at one point He slept with my best friend just to prove he could … he sat there and told me her loved me was going to marry me and then left and went and slept with my best friend
Another time he told me I had almost everything he wanted in partner but this other girl he was with had everything … and just other stuff etc etc
There we’re times we wouldn’t talk for months and move on but we always kinda just drifted back to one another.
I left home at 15 (bad childhood) so I think I allowed this behaviour maybe because not only did I love him but I was desperate to feel loved.. I don’t know
Then not long after my 18th I had said to him that this was it … he either wanted me or didn’t but I wasn’t playing games anymore …
he chose me/us.
few months later I was pregnant … I had been on the depo
injection so it was a major shock… especially as neither of us wanted kids…
When I
told him … at first he said he didn’t want the baby but then very quickly, like 10 mins later said he did .. I
asked for time to just get my head around it … I was in shock …
that night he went out with all his friends and told everyone … literally within not even an hour of him being gone I had a friend ringing me asking if it was true that I was pregnant… she’s had heard from a friend who had heard from her chap who had heard from C (my husband) … her words were
are you sure that’s a good idea?!
I couldn’t blame her for that response as everyone knew mine and his history and how many times he had hurt me.
I am not going to sit here and lie … I then immediately felt pressured to keep the baby… and that was that we were having a baby! (I do not regret my son and I am so very glad for him now but this was just the situation At the time)
fast forward to son being born, me and hubby still together … he had joined the military after leaving school so was away during the week and I was left raising the baby alone in that time …
when son was 9 months we decided to get married … it wasn’t a proposal or anything romantic and lovely … it was literally a decision so that I could move and be with him in military housing… I was in council housing and not much going for me and it just made sense I guess .. we had the cheapest quickest wedding going …
it was the most nerve wracking day ever and I almost didn’t go through with it but I did and we moved and that was that….
Literally as we moved in together I was pregnant with our second … she was planned as we both kinda just decided two kids close to each other would be nice … again no major conversation or proper decision making … I guess we were just plodding along making decisions we thought were best…
and that was basically me at 22.
moved away from friends and family with my husband, a baby and another on the way.
Living together was a shock in itself … looking back now in reality we barely even knew each other… even though we’d known each other for years … we never really spoke or communicated … I never really felt that comfortable and confident with him, I guess due to all our history, but we were like all we knew I guess and it was our normal if that makes sense.
It wasn’t smooth sailing, military life was hard , him coming and going, us moving around, I had no one, no friends or family … I’d actually drifted away from a lot of friends over the first few years we were married … he didn’t overly like my friends,
whenever I would arrange to go out see friends he’d say things like … wouldn’t you rather just stay in spend time together and I would … so yeah friends drifted …
I deleted alot of people of my socials … especially males as he hated them on there … would say that he knew what men were like … he never made me do
anything but I guess I just kinda did it.
He’s a massive gamer which I hadn’t really realised until living together and that caused a lot of arguments as I often felt ignored, not helped with things etc because he would be on that all the time…
we are now 33 and 35 … have 3 kids and I am so bloody miserable
Not long after my daughter was born there was a rough patch after one night I had suggested spending some time together upstairs ..
I went up … he said he’d be up soon…
hour later I go down to see where he’s at and he’s there watching porn and masturbating … I was hurt … we argued … I even threw a lamp towards him… not at him just in his direction in my hurt …
I still can
picture his face the moment when I caught him.
He had always watched porn I knew this as he was quite the sex obsessed player but to leave me upstairs like that just hurt I guess.
We argued a lot but then we kinda just moved on, never spoke about it etc … it’s kinda what we do everytime we argue… we just wake up the next day and pretend happy.
He was due to sign of from the military, a decision we both made and I thought we’re excited for. Military life is stressful and was a cause of some of issues
Anyway he signed back on … he rang me one day saying he thought it would be best and that we should talk about it when he got home …
But when he got him he’d already done it … I get he thought it was for the best for our family but I was so hurt he made that decision without me
Then a few years back I was so deeply unhappy
I felt ignored , like he never helped, I felt alone, we also argued and never talked …
We were in this pattern that I could tell anytime he was horny because he would turn
his ps off and suggest a date night , he’d always buy alcohol and he’d
use
alcohol to get what he wanted … he said it made me loosen up and be more confident and he got more from me … like in the bedroom .
He wasn’t
lying … I’ve never really had much confidence with him or even been able to talk to him and it did help I guess but still it hurt that he’d do that rather than try work with me through it … I guess I also allowed it so we are both to blame
If I would say no to sex he’d roll over and sulk and make me feel so guilty that I’d always give in …
We were just always arguing, I worried about the kids feeling all this between us … i grew up in a toxic household and I hate I was putting my kids through the same and I got so depressed in this mess of a situation we had caused. He would yell and shout and swear alot at me and the kids.
I tried talking to him about how I felt and he would always tell me I was just grumpy or tired, or he wouldn’t listen … or he would and things would change for a day or two but they would always go back … it was a viscious circle.
My mental health went down the drain. I felt suicidal and was a mess.
He wasn’t listening
Anyway I kept telling him we should end things as it wasn’t healthy but he’s always manage to convince me to try and of course I wanted too urgh a mess
Then I did the unforgivable
I cheated … none of the above is an excuse of justification … it’s just some insight.
I was miserable, felt trapped, I felt ignored and used and I made a really stupid mistake … this guy appeared took interest, said all the right things , made me feel like yes I deserved better and I cheated.
I told my husband and of course nothing I felt or had been feeling mattered anymore because of what I had done …
We planned to sit and discuss things one night and stupidly included gin in this situation …
I can’t really tell you much of what happened that night as I don’t remember
I just remember the moment I guess the gin started to wear off and we were having sex … he was there on top of me saying
This is love this is what love is
Not what you have with him this
I of course panicked
Told him to get off
We started arguing and I wanted out
I tried calling my friend but it was like 3am and no answer
I then stupidly called this other guy..
again no excuse and no smart but I just needed out and at the time was just desperate
Of course that didn’t go down well
My husband locked me in the house
Locked me in the bedroom,
Was quite forceful, he was hurt I get it and we’d both been drinking
I called the police
The police came and my husband was taken into the station.
I had bruises and marks and love bite type marks and yeah it was a mess.
The police came the next day to talk to me … female offxicers as they were concerned at what had happened but I didn’t want to follow through with anything because well it was a mess and he’s not a bad guy … so he was released…
We separated after this ..
Social services visited but were happy that we had basically decided it was best for us and the kids to seperate. He had left and we were done. They felt no need to come back and were happy to leave us be to sort it out.
After all that to be honest o think we both knew it had to be done.
It wasn’t the easiest seperation. There was lots of hurt.
I then tried to throw myself into a new relationship pretty quickly with this guy I had cheated with … again no justification but I think I just couldn’t cope with what I had done and in my head I kinda thought, If it was something then it wouldn’t have all been for nothing. If that makes sense
C also met a few people, he dated and slept with others
It didn’t work out with the guy. I quickly realised he wasn’t all he aopareared either
He saw me as this broken person and used that to his advantage.
Thankfully with my sisters and friends support I got away from that.
Life was stressful, I was looking at soon being homeless as my eviction on the military house was looming and I had nothing and nowhere
Then when my sister had a small crash with my kids in the car (all were fine) it kinda brought me and my husband closer.
The whole time apart we were either arguing with him making things difficult , not always having the kids when he was meant to, Making work hard for me as he was unreliable, being nasty … to the next minute him wanting to try again …. And so on and so on.
But after that crash and kinda having to be there together We very quickly decided to give things a go and very quickly he was back in the house and we were in the marriage again.
We never really spoke properly or worked on things properly.
Things were actually really good for the first few months or so, better than ever.
But of course it didn’t last. We were back to constant arguments, him on ps, me feeling ignored, him shouting and swearing, he can be quite nasty but then so can I …
A few months ago whilst arguing with our son he threatened to smash his head in, he said he didn’t mean it and it was a heat of the moment and whilst I know this I can’t forget the way he spoke… it’s not acceptable!
But there’s also so much more
Sex is just … it doesn’t happen naturally
It’s normally him deciding he’s in the mood after ignoring me and then guilting me into doing it because if o don’t he’s going to sulk and be mad
Sometimes he won’t even listen to my No’s … he will just keep trying and trying to the point sometimes he’s basically inside me when I just give in and say fine … And it’s my fault I guess because I allow that behaviour and maybe he’s right .. if he didn’t he wouldn’t ever get it because I just never seem to be in the mood. I know he’d stop if I screamed and yelled, he’s not forceful … I guess it’s because he knows I will feel so guilty and give in.
Even affection is hard for me … I will try kids and cuddle and I use to kiss and cuddle back but now I can’t even make myself do that so of course he doesn’t feel loved.
Anyway I could see we were right back here and I was feeling the same as I always did so once again we’ve been in this horrid cycle of me trying to tell him, me either not being listened too or told that’s not how I feel or him promising change that doesn’t last …
Until recently
I told him I wasn’t sure I loved him anymore and had enough… I’m not sure why now he listened but he did….
Recently he had been trying, he’s trying harder round the house … he’s making more time for me …
But he’s also been so affectionate I’ve felt so suffocated … he will want constant kisses and cuddles … will tell me he loves me and when I don’t say it back will guilt me … I’m struggling with showing affection and I can see that kills him but I’m also mad because I asked him to take a step back on all that and let us work on everything else first because it’s killing me having to force that side of things …
But yet again he didn’t listen…
I get it
He feels if he takes a step back hel loose me … but the forcing isn’t helping either …
I’m trying so fucking hard but I just feel so broken all the time and tired
I don’t doubt he loves me and wants us to work but this isn’t a bloody healthy situation .
We do have good moments but honestly they are so few and far between.
And whilst I can see how hard he’s trying now I kinda feel like it’s a little too late and I guess now I’m not trying
I’ve told him I think we should separate for our own individual happiness and the sake of the kids because our whole household is miserable but he doesn’t see anything I do
He thinks we are great together
That we are soulmates
That it’s not working because of me
That I need to forgive and forget and move on .
That the reason we are here is because I always want more and am never happy.
Part of me thinks maybe he’s right
Maybe if I could feel more confident and comfortable and talk to him more it would have been better
My daughter drew a family picture the other day and we were all smiling but the husband , he had a mean face and when I asked why she said it’s because he’s always mean and grumpy and I just couldn’t put it out of my head.
I don’t want to end a 13 year marriage
But it’s been years and years of all this … surely it should be better now.
He’s not a bad person, he works hard,
he shares money, let’s me buy whatever (I spend a lot on books etc, they are like my main happiness and my go too buy to make myself
better) he puts up with my low moods, he will take the kids to school and pick them up when I work
I just feel like we don’t bring out the best in each other. I hate who I have become, I’m always stressed and miserable, I am beyond dependent on him. I hate myself. I hate the situation. I hate what I’ve done and what I’ve allowed.
Yet here I am after telling him we should separate … him begging me to keep trying , he loves me, can’t live without me, we can be better if I actually try and I just feel so doubtful yet again…
I’m sorry all this is a mess and probably isn’t even the half of it ….
There of course has been good.
He was there through my hysterectomy I had to have not long after our seperation thanks to cervical cancer and was great. There is good.
I don’t really even know what I’m asking right now
I just feel such a bloody mess.
I am sorry this is long and messy and all over the place …. Kinda like my head and thoughts and everything else tbh