How to revive the feelings

[Namedifferentorquestion]

I've been with my 'man friend' for 3 years, exclusive on both sides. I don't use the word partner since we live separately, have completely separate finances etc and everything we do is split 50:50. Both have grown up children. One of mine lives with me and he lives alone. We live about an hour away from each other so see each other Friday night and again Sunday, he has sports on Sat.

Started relationship well, it's just so predictable now and feel something missing but not sure how to revive it. It feels he has settled into a predictable pattern. When his kids are home from Uni he is with them and then me when no one else around. I have a little one too and so a bit more difficult for me since childcare. I've dropped hints but he seems completely unable to see. Just want to feel like I'm someone's special person.

?

You're not his special person.

I would end this long distance relationship on the grounds its no longer working for you. Do not invest a further 3 plus years into this which seems to be really going nowhere.

You need to talk to him about how you are feeling and also take steps yourself. What do you do to make him feel like a special person?

I don't think 3 years of seeing someone routinely on a Friday and Sunday is very special to be honest 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think, to keep special feelings there, there needs to be a level of spontaneity. An unplanned midweek restaurant date, or an exciting long weekend away.

It sounds like you've both just settled for each other.

Think you need to have a sit down chat rather than dropping hints that’s the only way you’re going to feel better.

Thanks for replies

We also do a week holiday once a year. My younger child means less time out together since no one to sit for me.

It sounds he's happy with the situation, but you aren't. And I found he doesn't want to involve with his time when his children are around is rather alarming. I would stop seeing him and find someone who truly value you in his life.

How old is your youngest?

I think it's hard when you're older. The 'natural progression ' of things when you were younger isn't there. I think I would do some soul searching before you talk to him. What would you like your relationship to look like ? Do you want to live together...if not now, then eventually?

You say you don't feel special. Is that because you don't really feel like a priority to him? What would change this?

Sounds like a FWB arrangement. Not a meaningful relationship.
If you can't see it progressing then end it. You deserve to be happy 😊

Why is it a fwb relationship though? Why does a meaningful relationship have to mean movingl in together?
What do you need to feel special?

There's another similar thread in relationships just now. Assuming they're not both yours @Namedifferentorquestion under diff user names, have a read. Some interesting perspectives.

It suits him to have a friend/companion/FWB relationship and he doesn't want it to move further. You sound as though you do, but it's not happening. It it was it would have done so by now. Accept it for what it is or move on to what you are looking for.

I've dropped hints but he seems completely unable to see. Just want to feel like I'm someone's special person

Find someone who understands you when you communicate. Find someone who makes you feel like you're their special person. He's not obliged to do these things for you. You are obliged to yourself to be where you're happy.

@Windywuss do you know the title of the other thread so I can have a look? So many threads on here.

@Namedifferentorquestion I think I was referring to this one. It's quite positive and an interesting perspective on this issue. It may give you some tangible ideas on what you would like things to be like.

"Post-divorce relationships: How have your partners shown long-term commitment? "

Your first paragraph describes - more or less - my relationship. Although we've been together a lot longer and he doesn't have kids. We see each other at least every other weekend and two nights during the week but don't live together and have no plans to.
100% he's my partner as well as my boyfriend. When I was ill last year I assumed he'd be there for appointments. When I'm worried about one of the DC, he steps in to listen and help. We help each other out practically (he's in the kitchen now cleaning the tops of my cupboards because he likes that kind of thing and I don't).
But all of that aside we have a shared sense of our future together which is important. It's not easy and has not been easy for much of our time together. We benefited a lot from some very good couple's therapy and make a point of creating moments of connection - we have a list of things we want to together, we have date nights, we travel and we read books together. Rituals and gentle moments really help.
I suppose the point of all of that is it doesn't matter what the living arrangements are if you're both happy. There are a million ways to have a happy relationship and I really don't buy this whole "if he loves you he'll see you every day/move in/marry you" thing. Our relationship is unusual but strong and we've survived some challenging times because we both love each other.
So, do you love him and do you make each other happy? If so, sit down and figure out some practical changes you can implement - nightly calls? watch a movie when you're not together and have a WhatsApp chat about it? a shared hobby? - and make a commitment to have regular check ins about how things are going. We find that very helpful.