Emotional maturity

[Frank23]

At the risk of some of you just telling me to grow a pair lol, I would like to run this past you. I am 66, male, am divorced after 40 years of marriage and have been in a new relationship for 16 months. It has been going fairly well up to the last 2 months and stuff is happening which we are not communicating about. I thought that second time round I could make a better job of communicating and keeping my feelings in check but I am failing and my feelings change so much that I feel like I am in a pinball machine. As much as I want to apply logic and talk about stuff, my feelings sometimes lead me to say the wrong things. I guess what I am trying to say is how do I cope rationally with these feelings. I am 66, not a teenager lol.

But surely those are two entirely separate things — (a) improving poor communication and (b) ‘keeping your feelings in check’? What feelings? Why do you think you shouldn’t have them? Why do you think you should be being ‘logical’ or ‘rational?

Thanks Penseuse. I guess the poor comms has a lot to do with making me feel this way. Partner is reluctant to enter into discussion and she says just forget about it which adds fuel to the fire.
I know I will have those feelings but I dont seem to be able to deal with them any differently to when I was in my teens. Its laughable in a way but so painful too.

"stuff is happening which we are not communicating about." Can you try to open up here about the stuff that happens?

Please don't drip feed @Frank23 - could you explain your situation a bit more clearly?

OP can I ask whether “stuff happening” means the same behaviours and dynamic that led to the breakdown of your marriage?

Im also a bit confused about how exactly it's playing out.

It has been going fairly well up to the last 2 months and stuff is happening which we are not communicating about.
Give and example of what you mean by "stuff".

I thought that second time round I could make a better job of communicating and keeping my feelings in check but I am failing and my feelings change so much..

1. What do you mean by keeping your feelings in check? How does them not being in check present itself? What is problematic about that?
2. What do you mean by your feelings change so much? About what (for instance in the circumstance above)? Over what period of time?

As much as I want to apply logic and talk about stuff, my feelings sometimes lead me to say the wrong things. I guess what I am trying to say is how do I cope rationally with these feelings.
We don't have to be rational all the time. We all have feelings that are not entirely rational (which is exactly how a lot of marketing works). Could it be that
a) you stress that you should be thinking rationally and it actually adds to your feelings being all over the place?
b) you think that having feelings is childish/weak/not very manly and it adds to the stress in the situation and/or
c) does it mean that you clam up and blurt out something you didn't really mean and later regret?

These are all meant as guides to get you to explain better for us to understand what's going on. My a, b and c's may be way off. If so, how?