To Be or Not To Be

[Nottobeconfused]

Do I believe my first love to be true?
I met my first love 39 years ago, we were torn apart by my parents who believed I had my whole life ahead of me and not to commit at such an early age (17). I ended the relationship believing my parents were always right. He couldn't understand where it all went wrong & I never told him as he adored my parents & I didn't want to shatter his illusion that they were wonderful people.
We kept in touch over the years, exchanging news and general chit chat, no more than 2-3 times a year. I went on to marry & divorce, 3 children. He has been married for 30 years, 2 kids and lives 6000 miles away.
5 years ago he increased the communication and told me he was unhappy in his marriage and wanted to be with me. I managed to talk him round saying it's a blip, all marriages have them and to try & work through the issues. We kept communication open......again, 2 or 3 times a year.
6 weeks ago he called me completely out of the blue. Wanted to know why I had finished with him almost 40 years ago, why I didn't give 'us' a chance and that he is still in love with me. I told him that I loved him too, always have & always will. Says he's going to leave his wife, move back to the UK to be with me. I told him about my parents concerns from 40 years ago & now he understands but hasn't budged from his idea of completely changing his life to be with me.
He is flying over in a month to come and see me, he wants to discuss our future together. I am apprehensive as I cannot go through the pain again, so in some ways I don't want to believe him, yet I am giddy with excitement of seeing him after 16 years since we last saw each other.
My dilemma is......should I be cautious until he does actually get a divorce (limping along for 5 years now & has expressed that I have played no part in their divorce as he has spoken to his wife numerous times & apparently she won't do anything to improve the situation (I know he has said something because her profile came up on my Fb feed!)). He has been very much full on however in the past few days he's really backed off & not even mentioned about getting together. I am so very confused & I'm not going to push it - this has to be his decision.
Shall I just wait until the date of our meeting to see if he's pulling at my heart strings or that he is actually sincere in his attentions or back off with communicating and see if it fizzes out?

Don’t be part of his marriage breakdown. You haven’t seen each other in years and his decision to rekindle a relationship with you based on a teenage relationship from nearly 40 years ago is not based in reality.

If his marriage isn’t working, he needs to get himself out of it and not involve you in any way. It sounds as though he is keeping his options open by staying in his marriage and giving you hope that he wants to be with you.

if his communication has paused then I would imagine he is focusing his attention on his marriage rather than you. Quite possible his wife has found out about your contact and they are addressing this.

Don’t invest in someone who belongs in your past and who is committed elsewhere. Even if he leaves his wife, moving 6000 miles to be with you based on a relationship from 39 years ago is ludicrous. The chances of it working out long term are minimal. The likelihood of you getting hurt, or used, in the process is high.

Its easy to romanticise the past when we are unhappy with the present. I’d be careful not to believe everything he tells you about his marriage - it’s his version of events and you have no way of checking it out. Steer clear and find someone who is free to be with you.

Marriages breaking down after 30’years in midlife happen all the time. So I won’t blame yourself for this.

As to what you should do - totally up to you. One danger I see is the whole romantic fantasy you have going of ‘one true love’ that has been prevented by parents.

You were too young at 17. And you have no idea how it all would have worked out if you did end up together back then.
Plus - you also had plenty of time in you adult time to get back together of it was ‘meant to be’.

But you did maintain a connection throughout life and it counts for something. So - both of you view this as a second chance in life. Sort of mid life crisis type of situation.
For him - I think he wants out of his marriage and also to come back home. Having you here - gives him a little bit of comfort of having something familiar here.

On it’s own - there isn’t anything wrong to giving it a chance. Just don’t expect it to be some fantasy. It’s a real life relationship with a person who you have joint memories with, and some history - BUT you don’t really know each other as adults.
So - I’d give it a go and taken it slowly.

So in summary - go for it. Just don’t get all giddy and teenagy

Sounds all a bit too good to be true.

Of course you should be cautious. You don't really know what's going on with him and while you've kept in touch over the years, you don't know him that well really.

Realistically is he going to be happy throwing in his entire life to be with you, presumably leaving his kids, friends, etc, 6000 miles away? Is he well off enough to travel back often? What will he do for work? Or are you throwing your life in and moving wherever he's based?

Don't get too carried away.

I suggest telling him not to contact you again until he is actually divorced with a firm plan on moving back, where he is going to live, and a job lined up to support himself.

you may know the 17 year old, but you certainly don’t know this 50 year old. People change and you don’t know this person enough to trust that he isn’t using you for a place to live and financial support.

Relationships fall apart and divorces happen. And they take time. Mine took 2 years.
Doesn’t mean he can’t start a relationship with you while he is going through the process.

So - above poster saying tell him to contact you once he is divorced is being silly on that
But I do agree with making sure that he does go though the steps NOT relaying on you. As in - he doesn’t expect you to put him up and help him financially while he moves
back and sorts out his situation.
Like you wouldn’t if you met someone going through the same without shared history

He owns a hedge fund so money & working is not an issue. House in Spain. Both sets of kids grown up & left home. I asked if this was his midlife crisis - he said that happened years ago & he now knows what he wants in life. Doesn't want to mess about, no BS as time isn't exactly a luxury. I've got to work out if he is committed or being an arse in fantasy land...

Neither of you can really know if this is a fantasy or if this will work out. Like with any other relationship - you need to actually give it a go and see.

In your place I won’t be overanalysing or trying to decide for him what he needs/wants.
His divorce and move is his decision and his life. Mind you - he stands to lose a lot financially in his divorce - so if he is actually going through this, he is serious about wanting it.

All it requires on your part is opening your mind to a possibility of a relationship. Plus fighting the urge you have now to see this as continuation of what hasn’t happened long time ago. It is now.
It is a brand new relationship with someone you knew a long time ago.
Good luck!!!!

I've got to work out if he is committed or being an arse in fantasy land...

Or maybe just see how it goes? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

If he's ready to leave his marriage but a relationship with you doesn't work out in the end, that's not your problem.

Take it at a sensible pace, don't jump into any drastic life changes and make sure you hang on to your independence.

Neither of you can be committed to this. You know each other as 17 year old kids! Let him leave his wife, get to know him as a wrinkled and flabby 50 year old, bitter about life etc. You might like him you might not but for God's sake don't commit or promise anything on this basis. It's ridiculous.

Be careful you don't end up as his affair partner.

He's comes over.. all lovely.. you get hooked on him again... goes back home to tell the wife he's leaving - but never quite manages it. There's this reason or that reason why it's not the right time.. soon.. blah blah.. you end up waiting.. and waiting..

Be careful!!

If you are both available, then there seems no harm in seeing where it goes.

But I do think you are both over romanticising about it. You both went on to marry so I assume love other people, so no he was not your one true love or anything daft like that.

Doesn't want to mess about, no BS as time isn't exactly a luxury

But he's not left his relationship that's been limping for years. Hmm.

If you want a relationship with someone who offers dream futures to other people than his current partner, go for it.

He's married. How is that 'available'? He's only spoken to his wife in terms of 'how can we improve our relationship'. He's not even told her it's over, let alone taken any practical steps.

Yes, this.

Why does he need to have a relationship with you to go to, if his marriage isn't working?

May I suggest you look up the definition of “if”

I clearly said “if” they are both available…not “as” they are both available”.

May I suggest you look up the definition of “if

Wow. Ill mannered.

They are not both available, so conditional tense isn't relevant. Therefore your post wasn't relevant.

May I suggest you drop the passive aggression?

(not nice, is it)