ADHD/ASD and emotions

[essex956]

Hi everyone

I know stereotyping and using the wrong labels can understandably cause offence. It's definitely not my intention but I'm trying to navigate something completely new to me.

Been seeing an lovely man for 7 months now. I know it's not long but i feel like I could potentially see a future with him.

He told me early one he was diagnosed ASD and he suspects he is also adhd. Based on my limited knowledge and Google searches, adhd seems to make sense based on his personality and traits.

When I'm with him it feels amazing but in terms of words he has never told me how he feels or expressed any emotion to me. Based on his actions I don't have any doubts so I don't think it's a case of him not being that into me. When we're not together I start to feel insecure - this is partly my own issues than I'm working on and I've explained this to him, however, he does very little to reassure me when I'm feeling like this.
We had an argument last night over something he didn't do and it ended with me saying it doesn't seem that he's overly bothered about me. He denied that was true but got a bit awkward.

I text him today saying I was sorry for over reacting but the reason I feel insecure is because I've realised I have fallen for him an worried it's not mutual and after everything I've been through I'm cautious about being hurt. He called me and was saying "he's happy" and that i should stop worrying. Not exactly the response I was hoping for after me telling him how much I liked him etc

I get the impression he's not great at expressing emotion at all. Is this just a typical commitment phobe male or could it be linked to asd and/or adhd? Or is he actually just not that into me after all?

Hi
My Son has Autism and finds regulating his emotions difficult but he says what he means, so if this guy says he's happy and not to worry I would see that as a good thing.
I hope it works out for you :)

Thanks @RelaxTheCacks
My bf has no trouble regulating emotions, it's more that he doesn't seem to express any?!

I had thought when I told him how much I liked him he might've reciprocated, and when I said I was worried about getting hurt he might've reassured me.

Instead I got told he was happy and I thought "oh good for you"....I didn't say anything back to that and he just changed the subject as if that was the serous discussion over as far as he was concerned

If his communication style makes you feel insecure, then you're going to feel insecure in the relationship going forwards. You're not compatible. You want him to be different from how he is.

Is this just a typical commitment phobe male or could it be linked to asd and/or adhd

What difference does it make? You don't like his behaviour. What makes him do it is a side issue; how it makes you feel is what's important.

You're so right @Watchkeys

Everything else about the relationship is so good. I guess if I knew the feelings were mutual and he was useless at expressing them, it would be different from him just not feeling them at all, if that makes sense?

I also tend to feel more secure in more established relationships. It's always this in between new & serious I struggle with. My feelings are getting more serious and I'd just like an idea it's mutual. His actions would suggest it is mutual but I've never been with someone who struggles with this so much

With respect, he's not struggling. You are. Don't use his diagnosis as a way to excuse the fact that you're not feeling good.

He doesn't need to be with someone who 'can make themselves feel ok' with his behaviour. He needs someone who loves him and the way that he is.

You don't need someone who feels it but can't show it; you need a demonstrative person.

You don't fit. :(

I feel like he does show it / demonstrates it but just doesn't actually say it. It's different from what I'm used to so I'm just trying to understand, rather than go straight to ending the first relationship I've felt hopeful about since splitting with ex DH 10years ago

If he was communicating it to you in the way that works for you, you wouldn't be posting. Sorry to be so blunt. If you're trying to understand him, and you're asking a forum, rather than him, then your communication as a couple is failing.

You're not trying to understand him, you're trying to find a way to let him off the hook for not being who you want him to be. Do you think he's posing on forums trying to find a way to understand you, right now? It's unlikely, because you're too different.

In my opinion, if you can't understand ASD and ADHD you should not get into a relationship with someone with those conditions. It's extremely painful and upsetting for both people. I say this as someone with both and who has been badly burned by partners who just don't get it and made it clear that how I am hurts them. Even though I was nothing but honest and loyal. I just didn't, couldn't, express myself in ways that they understood. Nor could I change it because that is just who I am.

You don't understand him. Who he is is hurting/triggering/upsetting you. You need to let him go before you start blaming and punishing him for being who he is.

As someone with ASD and ADHD I have spent my whole life dealing with negative comments relating to not being normal and not discussing my emotions. It hurts to fuck to have it thrown in your face all the time. You wouldn’t tell someone in a wheelchair to be less disabled.
These boards are full of people upset because their partners say the right things, but where their actions say otherwise, yet you yourself say his actions show he cares, and you are upset that he displays the absolutely classical signs of his disabilities in not using flowery words that mean nothing in the cold light of day?
you won’t change him but you will make him feel shit until he gives up.
If you want to be in a relationship with this man then you DO need to learn more and understand better.
As an aside, ASD and ADHD present far bigger problems for neurotypical people when it comes to relationships than the one you have uncovered so far. I’d recommend you take a very long look at understanding what you are getting into if you are already tripping up over this particular hurdle. People with either condition can be amazing to be with, but there are very big challenges as well. I don’t make life easy for some of the people who love me, even though I would do better in a heartbeat, if only I could.

From his point of view you asked for reassurance, he rang you up and gave it - what more is he needed to do??!?!

I think the fact you need flowery words is your issue and you are making it his

I say this from the point of view of my partner who doesn't do obvious romance but is absolutely there when I need and an amazing joint parent, when times are hard I can rely on him, and I'd much prefer that to big statements then off to the pub

To demonstrate @Watchkeys point, I have ASD and am married to a NT man.

We don’t make “allowances” because of my ASD, he doesn’t have to accept things about me under the label of ASD or make any adjustments; his calm, confident personality and exceptional interpersonal skills and good sense of humour are simply a good match for my very literal expressions and occasional social mishap (that we laugh off together). He is actually the least expression partner and I drive us to acknowledge our feelings and be clear about the positives as well as bring up any potential weakenesses for discussion. He can proactively engage in these conversations, appreciates that I am bringing strength to the relationship this way and is robust enough to not be botherer by my sometimes blunt delivery.

That’s just compatibility but I was this way in relationships before I was diagnosed. Except those people thought I was rude/blunt/too practical etc. Acquiring the label of ASD didn’t make these relationships more suitable just because I knew why I was this way, I didn’t want them to be less bothered by it “because ASD”, I just wanted a partner who was a good fit. I left the relationship, met my now husband weeks later and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had because we are equal partners.

OP you're going to get bashed because you've mentioned ASD. It always happens here.

The comparison to someone in a wheelchair is invalid, because with someone in a wheelchair it's impossible for them to mask that they're in a wheelchair. It's not like they say "I have a condition that impacts my legs", while you see them walking apparently normally everywhere when actually their legs barely work and they need a wheelchair to get them around everywhere.

Very often people with ASD have to mask things to make going through the world easier for them. This means that the extent to which they "can't walk" - applying the wheelchair metaphor (again, one I don't like) - is not actually remotely clear. It's further obscured because in the beginning of relationships we're getting to know someone. Plus as you will often be told "you know one person with ASD then you know one person with ASD". So you're actually not even supposed to assume any manifestations of it when you're told about it, or any degree of those manifestations.

So look. You've met someone nice. Sometimes you feel good, sometimes you don't. You have to assume that this person isn't going to change who they fundamentally are, and that you also aren't (please don't try). Is this how you want to feel potentially years into the future? This is one of the best times of a relationship. Is it really the best time for you?

Just because two people have feelings for each other doesn't mean they're compatible. And that's a crappy thing, but far better to acknowledge that earlier rather than later.

I am sorry you are going through this OP. I too had a relationship for 18 months with someone who was diagnosed with ASD. Regardless of the diagnosis I was unable to continue with the relationship as the traits were challenging to deal with thereby I felt I was not the right person for him. What I needed for a successful relationship could not be sought with him. He was an incredible person but needed to be with someone who completely understood and accepted how he managed life. It’s up to you. Your partner is who he is. If you can spend your life with him and accept his way of life then I am sure you will find happiness.

Thanks @litterbird I do accept him as he is and was just saying to a friend last night that I wouldn't want anything about his personality to change as I've never felt this way about someone before. He's the funniest person I've ever been with and every minute we're together I'm smiling.

I only started panicking when I realised how much I'd fallen for him and I'm now wondering if it's mutual. I don't need constant words of reassurance from him, I just find it a bit scary feeling this way about someone while not being sure how he feels about me.

If he feels the same way as I do but can't/doesn't want to express it then I find that quite different to him not having any feelings for me

I'm not trying to be argumentative either but I find a few of the answers contradictory.

Some people saying if I can't understand his ASD I shouldn't be with him (one of the reasons for my post was to try and learn more) yet also saying if I want to be with him I need to be able to accept him as he his and not to make allowances for his label. If the latter is the case should I just ignore the fact he has ASD and decide if we're compatible based on his actions? If that's the case why do I need to understand his ASD diagnosis

Why don't you just sit down and tell him all of this? He will most likely tell you that he feels the same. I am ADHD and hypersensitive to emotions so sometimes I need things spelling out in black and white to stop me from catastrophising and overthinking things.

Read what Watchkey said. Then read it again. You don’t fit.

The big problem seems to be that you expect him to respond in a neurotypical way, this isn't going to happen. If you want to know how he feels about you, ask him directly. Say what you mean and mean what you say is a good rule of thumb for relationships with autistic people.

And I can't believe the number of people saying to give up on this! Give it time, learn about autism and him, ask questions about how it affects him, THEN make a decision if this is for you!

I have a similar story, @user1471548941

Some people saying if I can't understand his ASD I shouldn't be with him (one of the reasons for my post was to try and learn more) yet also saying if I want to be with him I need to be able to accept him as he his and not to make allowances for his label

OP, you are conflating 2 things that aren't connected. Understanding ASD doesn't mean you accept it or don't accept it. Not understanding it doesn't mean you accept or don't accept it. Whether you understand his ASD or not, you don't like the way he communicates. My partner reads about autism because she finds it interesting to learn about the way I think and the way it affects how I feel and behave, but that's not related to whether she likes the way I conduct myself in the relationship. Understanding someone isn't something you make an effort to do in order to try to get yourself to enjoy things about them that you don't enjoy. It's a way to become closer to someone you already have a good relationship with.