Crap date

[hoffmant]

I have feelings for a friend and he feels the same but he is still getting over past relationships. Tonight I went on a date with a guy who I met through an online spirituality group. He dominated about 75% of the conversation, talked about the pandemic mostly and I didn't really laugh.

I left the date and cried on the way home because my friend has a lot of qualities that I really want in a man. We are like best friends, he makes me laugh and there is physical attraction.

I'm not physically attracted to my date and he said we will see each other again and he will show me his home town. No wonder he was happy with an attractive woman who doesn't speak. I'm surprised he could not tell I was bored.

I don't know what to do as this guy wants to add me on Facebook as that's how we met but I do not want to see him on my own again. My friend who I have feelings for may wonder how I know this guy as he is nosy like that as if I add him he is not exactly local.

I got home and my friend has sent me a message asking how I am etc. I know my heart lies with my friend. I feel guilty for going on a date even though I am not exclusive with my friend. He knows men are interested in me but he thinks I am not dating. I'm torn as I can't put my life on hold either.

You can tell this guy you didn't feel any chemistry and don't want to meet up again. You don't have to add him on Facebook. You don't have to tell your friend you went on a date, nor should you feel guilty.

Why not take a break from dating and take some time to do nice things for yourself like hobbies, treats, time with friends?

You aren't under any obligation to go on further dates with this guy you went out with tonight. Why would you want to? I'd let him know you're not interested and didn't really feel it this evening. No need to add him as a FB friend.

As for your friend, if he asks, no reason not be upfront about dating other people - as you say, you can't put your life on hold. He may realise that he risks losing you if he takes too long faffing around. But you're just friends, he has no sole claim to your affections.

I wouldn't worry about offending the guy you went on a date with tonight if you weren't feeling it

However, I wouldn't be putting my life on hold for your friend either. I certainly wouldn't be giving him the impression I was either! Do you think he's look through your fb friends list and analysing male friends? He's got absolutely no right to do this if he's not in a position to commit

Op, I wonder if your friend really does share your feelings as his excuse about past relationships seems convenient.

As for your awful date, great advice from @heatissweet

You seem a bit passive, OP - who cares if this guy wants to see you again and add you as a FB friend, you don't want that, so it's tough! Also, why are you putting up with your friend going through your FB and demanding you explain any males he doesn't know? I worry this is a controlling relationship in waiting.

Don't see the other guy again and don't add him on FB. I would stop dating till you're over your friend and you'll unfairly compare everyone to this idealised image you have and no one will seem as good.

Also your friend doesn't seem as caring or considerate as you make out. Stalking your FB and acting weird if you go on dates, despite not wanting to properly date you - this isn't caring. This is someone who's treating you as an option in case he doesn't meet anyone else. And doesn't want you to meet anyone before he does. He may have all the qualities you want, except he isn't convinced about dating you. And that's the only thing that matters.

Is this Tom or Neil or the chap who likes BDSM? Or someone else entirely? And why are you acting like you have no choice but to see this man again? Just say ‘no’.

OP, are you okay? You’ve been posting every day about a succession of pretty shitty men. What’s up?

Your friend doesn't feel the same, best not to pin any hopes on him. If he wanted you, he would be with you. Besides there wouldn't be anything worse than being his rebound where his heart with is his ex still.

Just let the date know there wasn't any spark there for you.

Neither of these men are right for you.

I'm torn as I can't put my life on hold either

What are you torn between? It doesn't make sense. You've had a date with someone you didn't feel a spark with, so tell him that, and that's done. Your friend doesn't want to be in a relationship, so nothing to decide there.

Where does the 'life on hold' bit come in? Is dating your life? Have you anything else going on that you could occupy yourself with, like other people do when they're not in a relationship?

This.

And what is an "online spirituality group"?!

I also wondered about the online spirituality group, but decided I probably don’t want to know.

OP - I’m guessing a lot here but from your other posts you are a bit hung up on “Tom”.
I’m also guessing you won’t reply to any messages on here but post again next time Tom gets to you.
Also guessing that you are into some or all of the following: Wica, gaming, Game of Thrones, gothy type spirituality, crystals etc.
I get that feeling from your posts that you are a sincere and gentle person with a group of close friends and met this Tom who is somewhat charismatic in a very unconventional sense.
To says he is into BDSM but actually probably just likes films and thinks it’s a cool thing and drinks lots of real ale and can’t get it up often because he’s not really into sex but wants to think that he’s more interested if the woman is the super goth type - looks like a dominatrix but isn’t really but is a bit of a fucked up child inside.

I know a LOT about this scene. If I’ve got this wrong, apologies.
But he’s not an over 40s guy like you’d meet in the office going on about football or cars or politics (but likes a good conspiracy?).

if you would like to DM me please do. I’m absolutely not mocking you in case it sounds like it. I just have a lot of family etc who are like this and I see the indications.

most people on MN are not like that and hence make suggestions based on experiences that are relevant to them. Again, if I’m wrong please ignore.

This seems very specific.

I am annoyed I even met this guy tonight. All he talked about was conspiracy theories and he hated the monarchy. A big red flag was he said it was his birthday today and I sat there and thought why would he not celebrate with his children and does he not have any friends. A complete waste of evening. I think I need to forget all of these men.

Take a break from dating and your friend. The brutal truth is he’d be with you if he wanted to be.

I think I need to forget all these men

Yes.

Good grief, OP - I had dates where the women swore I was really lovely and really enjoyed our date but still told me they weren’t feeling it, so wouldn’t be seeing me again. And that was fine. We wished each other well.

What is it with some men that they can behave like complete douchebags and yet be given the benefit of the doubt?

You’re worth more than this. Raise the bar.

You need to get over friend tbh. It's obviously not going to happen. Date obviously a tool.

Update - The weirdo from my date has not been in touch since which I am relieved about. I think my body language gave it away when he tried to hug me on meeting and leaving. My friend and I are meeting tomorrow and I am going to ask what's going on between us.

It wasn't a waste of an evening. You went on a date, and found that you weren't attracted to him. That's specifically what dating is for.

I am going to ask what's going on between us

Why don't you tell him what you want to be going on, and ask if he's able to do it? Why is it up to him to decide?

OP: you’re trying to please two men who don’t want to please you which is a very woman thing to do. My advice would be to get rid of self centered new date who you have zero romantic interest in. Tell him you have no chemistry and discard him. As per your emotionally unavailable friend tell him that you’re looking for a relationship with an available man so would like to park him on the side.

Enjoy your freedom. With more time and energy you may even find an available man.

I do not want to see him on my own again

I know you've updated that this guy hasn't been in touch again, but still I find the wording of this quite concerning. You don't seem to be aware that you can just say "no" and elect not to see or talk to someone again, for whatever reason. You seem to feel that you would have had to see him again if he initiated it.

I feel you need to really work on your boundaries. You sound like a textbook people pleaser. It's not my intention to criticize you; typically those who are people pleasers are kind people with good intentions. But for your own wellbeing I think you should toughen up a bit and learn to say no and put your own wants and needs first.

I've just read your other posts. If this friend of yours is Tom, he sounds like bad news. He sounds possessive, jealous, and the type to play games. Considering you seem to have an issue with enforcing boundaries, I worry that he's the sort to take advantage of you.

I think you would benefit from taking some time to be single and working on your boundaries.

Tell the date it didn't work for you and cut contact. You and your friend appear to simply be friends and not dating, so why do you need to lie to him? Maybe just carry on dating if that's what you want, or tell your friend you want more from the relationship or just be friends with your friend, do things together exclusively and discuss exactly what your relationship is.