Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of DH's behaviour towards me

21 replies

Birdie002 · 23/08/2022 21:44

The blood in my body is boiling from how angry he makes me, and the fact he sees NOTHING wrong with what he's doing.

For as long as I can remember my DH is the type to start an argument and then when I argue back, he buckles down to make it seem like it's my fault and never ever takes blame for anything.

I have seriously started to resent him for a while and he makes me want to say really hurtful things, it's like he's really taking me out of my character.

He makes comments that being in a room for 5 mins with me is horrible & that basically likes to point everything bad about me but never ever about himself. I am so sure he's a narcissist but he could never accept that.

I am really being pushed to the point where I just want to leave him and move on with life but it's all too hard as we have children and young ones.

As many goods as he may have, I really feel like I made a mistake marrying him sometimes. I feel trapped.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2022 21:46

You’re not trapped. Focus on what steps you need to take to leave him.

Aeio · 23/08/2022 21:50

I left my one of these. Best thing I ever did.

Hanstarlucky · 23/08/2022 21:51

Birdie002 · 23/08/2022 21:44

The blood in my body is boiling from how angry he makes me, and the fact he sees NOTHING wrong with what he's doing.

For as long as I can remember my DH is the type to start an argument and then when I argue back, he buckles down to make it seem like it's my fault and never ever takes blame for anything.

I have seriously started to resent him for a while and he makes me want to say really hurtful things, it's like he's really taking me out of my character.

He makes comments that being in a room for 5 mins with me is horrible & that basically likes to point everything bad about me but never ever about himself. I am so sure he's a narcissist but he could never accept that.

I am really being pushed to the point where I just want to leave him and move on with life but it's all too hard as we have children and young ones.

As many goods as he may have, I really feel like I made a mistake marrying him sometimes. I feel trapped.

How long have you been with him for? What kinds of things does he start arguments over? What’s he like with other people?

Original poster
Birdie002 · 23/08/2022 22:00

We have been together over 13 years now and we're "high school sweethearts". Just a little contex in one of the arguments. He got offered a really good position in the furthest country you could think off, and without real hesitation from me, I told him I would support him if it was a dream job and he really believes this could be the setting stone in his career. However, I would have to quit my own very good job, leave my family, my home and my life behind. I am sure I am within my right to feel sad at the thought of leaving my family to go and be basically isolated while we all life under him until I would of got a job. He decides to basically accept a different one and now is miserable about it and keeps blaming me for not taking the "dream job" as apparently I "shitted all over it" and that I was only supportive once etc. I find it so ridiculous because numerous occasions he told me to tell him how I feel and I did and now instead of blaming himself for not taking it, he's blaming me cause again it's the easiest thing to do. He talks with more respect to other people and when I say something I am apparently nosey or hating or there's always some issue with me. He really thinks he's better than me and im sick of it. I told him out of anger, if you continue like this, I am going to dump your ass one day and he's like "good do it then". I just feel scared to

OP posts:
Wildflowerbeauty · 23/08/2022 22:09

Do not lower yourself to his standards and see how far he goes in an argument if you stay decent / respectful / mature / matter of fact . That way you will see his absolute true colours . That way he has no excuse to blame you for his actions and hurtful words because it’s all him . It will (in time) either show you that you need to get out of the marriage or it could possibly change your marriage for the better . You can only change the way you react / argue and then the rest is upto him. Every couple argues from time to time but it should be done fairly with respect. When he says hurtful stuff, instead of retaliating , just say that really hurt my feelings and see his response. In time you’ll know exactly who your married too .

Wildflowerbeauty · 23/08/2022 22:14

Ive just read your last message after posting mine . That’s shocking . He sounds like a bully . Totally taking you for granted coz he thinks you won’t leave . Dump the arsehole . You’ll be fine . And you’ll look back and be very proud of yourself . Hope you ok

MsTSwift · 23/08/2022 22:48

Anecdotally know some who are still with their first boyfriends they met at a school and the relationships are terrible - really immature. It’s like they don’t realise you are allowed to split up with people. Shudder to think of still being with sixth form boyfriends. Time to move on

Hanstarlucky · 23/08/2022 22:54

Oh my god what is he like 12?!. So he presents a massive life changing opportunity and you are not aloud to say what that could mean for you?. It’s not shitting all over it in fact you were very supportive, you were just highlighting as you rightly should what it would mean for you having to leave those things behind. How did the selfish arsehole expect you to react “ok honey I will go and pack my bags shall we leave tommroe for your new job”

tell me the reasons you feel scared, is it money? Or just frightened of the unknown?

being made to feel like it’s your fault for sharing your feels is horrific, everyone should be able to in a relationship.

you mention he has good points, can you highlight what these are?

lisavanderpumpscloset · 23/08/2022 23:04

As many goods as he may have, I really feel like I made a mistake marrying him sometimes. I feel trapped.

So what are you going to do about it?

Hanstarlucky · 23/08/2022 23:21

lisavanderpumpscloset · 23/08/2022 23:04

As many goods as he may have, I really feel like I made a mistake marrying him sometimes. I feel trapped.

So what are you going to do about it?

You might feel trapped as he’s making you feel like your feelings are not important and you therefore feel unheard

but logistically you may feel trapped if you have children and the financial aspects are of concern if you leave.

have you had a serious conversation with him about the whole thing? Clearly stating how you feel? If you have done that and nothings changes as frightening as it may be you either decide to stay and put up with it, or leave, or suggest a trial separation or even a bit of time apart? Could he have a few nights somewhere else? Or could you? (Factoring in the kids of course)

Ffordecortana · 23/08/2022 23:23

Have a quick look at Gottman, and the Four Horsemen. You have them in spades. This marriage is all over bar the shouting. I’m so sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 23:23

Do you have children? Sorry if I missed it.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 23:24

Sorry, sorry.... Yes, you have children.

My advice remains the same. Leave this gaslighting, abusive arsehole as fast as you can. You ARE NOT trapped.

Whatafool123 · 01/12/2022 13:38

Birdie002 · 23/08/2022 22:00

We have been together over 13 years now and we're "high school sweethearts". Just a little contex in one of the arguments. He got offered a really good position in the furthest country you could think off, and without real hesitation from me, I told him I would support him if it was a dream job and he really believes this could be the setting stone in his career. However, I would have to quit my own very good job, leave my family, my home and my life behind. I am sure I am within my right to feel sad at the thought of leaving my family to go and be basically isolated while we all life under him until I would of got a job. He decides to basically accept a different one and now is miserable about it and keeps blaming me for not taking the "dream job" as apparently I "shitted all over it" and that I was only supportive once etc. I find it so ridiculous because numerous occasions he told me to tell him how I feel and I did and now instead of blaming himself for not taking it, he's blaming me cause again it's the easiest thing to do. He talks with more respect to other people and when I say something I am apparently nosey or hating or there's always some issue with me. He really thinks he's better than me and im sick of it. I told him out of anger, if you continue like this, I am going to dump your ass one day and he's like "good do it then". I just feel scared to

Right, I recognise this because I live with one of these too - someone who can't bear to take responsibility for anything so puts you in the position where you are always to blame. He wasn't sure about taking the job, so chose a different one, but is now able to blame you for that because you made the "mistake" of being honest about your reservations about moving round the world and away from everything you know.

My DH has never taken responsibility for ANYTHING, and it gets very wearing always being blamed for everything - personally, I think you should run for the hills, but I know that kids and all sorts of other things make that hard to do - I am certainly in no position to advise, given that I am still the family blame magnet.

CalmDownKaren · 10/12/2022 09:38

He is exhibiting manipulative and narcissistic behaviour. When you bring up something he’s done does he get angrier than you and try to deflect and blame? If he ever apologises does he do so sarcastically? Does he gaslight? I.e telling you this and that didn’t happen the way you perceived it to, or that YOU are angry or upset for no reason. If so you have yourself a standard household narcissist. I would honestly give him a sharp ultimatum and tell him that unless this shit stops immediately youre gone. I would also send him articles via text or messenger on narcissistic and gaslighting examples so he can be shamed into realising what he is doing.

Mardyface · 10/12/2022 09:49

Have you talked to each other about how bad things are? His 'good do it then' suggests he feels it's bad too. It seems like you've got into a pattern of behaving in particular ways. Honestly - don't kill me - saying you're going to leave him some day is not going to make him feel great either if you do it regularly.

If leaving straight off is too difficult can you give it one last effort? Talk to each other about being unhappy and maybe marriage counselling? If he won't do that then you have to just go because something's got to change hasn't it.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/12/2022 12:59

Laugh in his face next time and make plans to leave.

coodawoodashooda · 10/12/2022 13:05

Aeio · 23/08/2022 21:50

I left my one of these. Best thing I ever did.

This. It just gets worse op.

AgentJohnson · 10/12/2022 16:49

The non twat version of him is not waiting around the corner. This is who he is and he doesn’t want to change.

Kassiopeia · 02/01/2023 10:40

Tell him that if being in a room with you for 5 minutes is horrible, you're surprised he is still there. Show him the door, kick him out then sue his ass in court and get as much as you can from the abusive bastard.

Believe me, the kids will be as unhappy as you are, and how long before he turns on them if he hasn't already.

Allsnotwell · 02/01/2023 10:46

There’s a saying ‘if mums not happy, nobody’s happy’

Don’t do this to your kids. They’ll pick up on his behaviour and they be abusing you too.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page