Is my relationship finished

[Twinsmamma]

Don’t really know where to start with this but really need some advice from anyone who may have been through this or opinions on how this sounds. Me and my husband had twins 17 months ago. We had only been together for 2 years before this so it was looking back very rushed, but we were “madly” in love and it seemed the right decision to have a baby (albeit we didn’t expect 2) from the day they were born we have struggled immensely in our relationship, we have naturally found parenting 2 babies extremely challenging, the lack of sleep and huge stress and strain 2 babies put on us just took over. I found him very judgemental in my parenting style and made snide comments very early on which would enrage me, this resulted in some very heated arguments (at 3am mostly 😞) and we’ve just been falling apart ever since. The sex has completely gone, I used to fancy the pants off him and couldn’t keep my hands off him until the day the babies came. Now when he touches me (this is going to sound awful) but I feel like I’m being molested! I’m screaming get off in my mind but just stay still till he gets the message. We bicker daily, we have times where we get back on track but soon enough we fall out and we’re back to nothingness. He’s awful at communicating and acts the victim in any situation of conflict, i get extremely defensive when we have conflict so it’s a real clash. We have some amazing days but most are not. The babies are still so small and dependant and it seems physically impossible to split up as I wouldn’t cope living on my own with them without his help. (He’s an amazing dad) he does just as much as me and I’d be lost without him in that sense. I just don’t know what to do.

I have twins. I think you are both exhausted. Can you get any help from family or hire someone even as a helper for one of the days you are both off so you can sleep in a little? Twins are a lot.

Yes we do have access to help it just feels so much effort to orchestrate the whole thing, I think with twins you feel like your asking a lot from people to have them, my family get a bit flustered at the whole thought of it so I just shy away!

Sorry I just read your message again, the sleep isn’t too much of a big deal at the moment as they do now sleep relatively well so the sleep deprivation is thankfully a thing of the past!

It isn't necessarily over but you need to be able to communicate with each other and it sounds like that is a challenge. couples therapy may help you both communicate without being defensive or attacking

as for the issue of touch this may just be that you are touched out from the twins and if it is its important you communicate with your partner you are struggling with feeling that way

I felt quite similar to you but have found that even just getting a couple of hours alone together with my DP has improved our relationship. Having the space to see him as my partner again and not just as our son's dad has helped massively. Things aren't perfect but I feel good about the future of our relationship. We recently had a night away together, my first away from our 17 month old (I appreciate this is a lot more difficult to orchestrate with twins!) I feel like that's shifted things a bit further in the right direction. We didn't even have sex but it was really nice to just be us

No advice really as it's years since myself and dh have been through this.

I remember feeling the same at times when our twins were young and we already had a 2 year old when they came along. I'm not sure how we got through it but we had some tough times. We did though and our twins are 16 now, we are still very much in love and have a good marriage.

My advice would be to stick with it if the love is there x

I think it is quite normal to feel like that when you have two young babies.

if you fancied him a lot and we’re besotted and he’s a great dad so there is no resentment, you’re probably touched out/nature’s contraceptive.

Get your family to babysit. They’re 17 months so they’re easier than babies and go and have fun and rediscover each other.

Also do games night, or takeaway night or have a cooking theme or something fun at home. Go back to enjoying each other’s company. At the moment you’re two machines living in the same house.

Thank you so much to all the replies there seems to be a running theme that it’s the situation we are in rather than the relationship has run it’s course so it’s given me some motivation to make some changes to improve things rather than feel as if our time has run it’s course. It’s so hard to see the wood from the trees after becoming parents as my whole existence is being a mummy (I do also work) but they are my sole focus, I pour all my love on them and it just seems nothing is left for him or even myself. Doing date night at home even after they are in bed is very easy to do and I need to be stronger at asking family for help!! I’ve always felt guilty asking for babysitters so that feelings never faded (frustrating!)