A year ago, my partner of several years told me that the relationship was over, relatively unexpectedly.
When I met him I had just come out of an abusive marriage, and quickly moved myself and kids in with him.
My younger sister at the time was quite lonely and didn’t have much of her own life or friends, so my partner would invite her over often to stay over, we would go out drinking together or for days out and I was concerned by the amount of flirting, dancing/hugging and ‘alone time’ they had. When I asked my partner to see the content of their private messages, he refused 🚩 but also gaslit me into thinking I was just damaged from my previous relationship and that he considered my sister as HIS little sister too, just family and that she needed someone to make her feel better.
I let this slide as he was very charming, flirted with everyone and I just thought because he wasn’t beating me, that this was a good man. He was good with my kids.
When he told me he didn’t love me anymore and for me to move out, I was pretty shocked. Things hadn’t been perfect, but we had been making plans for the future and I was happy.
During the break up, he moved out but didn’t tell me where he was going or reply to my texts begging for him to reconsider (not my finest hour) I messaged my sister and his family and friends and asked if anyone knew where he was, as he was quite distressed when he left and I was concerned about his mental health. My sister denied speaking to him. I finally did get hold of him, and he said him and my sister had indeed been speaking and she had known he was okay/where he was. I confronted her on this lie and she absolutely went crazy at me, screaming and shouting saying I am a total nutcase and shouldn’t have put her in this position and she doesn’t want to get involved. She then refused to take my calls.
Since moving out, other women messaged me and told me that my ex had been messaging them inappropriately for years but nothing had physically happened. I think that they’re either not being totally truthful or perhaps he would’ve cheated if given the green light by one of these women.
My sister has never divulged the extent of those text messages and we’ve never spoken about it. She just said he was a childish idiot and we’ve somewhat moved past it. 😑
However my mum has told me recently that a lot of this was my fault. My fault for loving him too much. And that I wouldn’t have listened if anyone had told me the truth at the time. All my family knew that he was texting my sister inappropriately. Noone told me.
So, is it my fault that no one told me? Because they allege I wouldn’t have believed or trusted that my sister didn’t physically do anything with him? My point is that family sat there at gatherings and parties and knew the truth of him but let me carry on wasting years of my life following him around like a love sick puppy, making a fool of myself without telling me, just incase I may have shot the messenger? Surely they should’ve told me whatever the consequences? I’m an open book and can’t abide secrets. But perhaps I’m in the wrong here?