I don’t know what to do and am seriously considering seperation

[DahliasLove]

To preface my husband and I have had a very hard year, 5 bereavements, including both of our mothers only weeks apart which has added a whole lot of extra stress. My mum passed first and he was pretty rubbish if I’m honest, for instance asking me days after how long I was going to use it as an excuse (for my emotions). When his mum passed it brought us closer together, as he understood what I was going through, but as time has gone on and as we are dealing with things in our own way I have felt very little support, and in return I do not have the capacity to emotionally support him, so I sought therapy, but he scoffs at the idea.

We have a 4yo daughter. My husband regularly tells her to stop being silly when she’s emotional, or begins to take things away from her when she won’t calm down, and I have mentioned how damaging that could be. I have a background in studying psychology, and am a trainee counsellor so my opinions I feel are not completely unfounded, and I think when I have taken this opinion to him I haven’t done it in an overly criticising manner, but my husband gets very defensive, and simply states we have differing opinions.

After mentioning it last night, after my daughter was crying because he is going away for 4 nights, he has given me the silent treatment since. I have tried to talk to him but he’s unwilling to talk, which seems to be a more regular occurrence than before.

This morning both my daughter and I were upset, and I’m aware that it’s not ideal for me to be this way in front of my daughter. She had an appointment today at midday, so I asked her if she wanted to take the day off nursery or go for the morning. My husband and I had previously discussed her staying off to have a family day together, but she wanted to go in for a while. As my husband wasn’t talking to me we hadn’t discussed this possible change, but he outright told her no, even though it was me who drove her to her appointment, and unfortunately I didn’t have the energy to argue otherwise which is why I was upset.

I overheard him speaking on the phone shortly after, and stated there had been a disagreement this morning which was amusing. I did ask him to clarify afterward that that’s what he said and he said ‘yup’.

He seems to think when we’re emotional we are being manipulative despite telling him otherwise quite a lot.

I don’t know what to do, but at this point I am very much considering separation, but one of my main concerns is that I won’t be there all of the time for my daughter, and that his behaviour will then go totally unchecked. I am far from the perfect parent either, especially after the last year but will always apologise to my daughter when I need to.

Open to any opinions, and thank you for reading this far.

His silent treatment towards you is an example of emotional abuse so your relationship, apart from anything else, is over or should be.

I would start seriously putting a plan together re separation and divorce. He's away now for the next 4 days so I would use this time to also seek legal advice from a Solicitor. Knowledge here too is power. This is no life either for your DD to be witness to. He is teaching her a lot of damaging lessons about relationships also and look at how he's turned out. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here currently?.

Do you honestly think that such a man will bother about his child going forward once you have separated?. How do you think that is going to work at all?. Does he work full time for instance?. He may well start on about wanting full custody or 50% of the week etc but this could also be used by him as a further point in which to control and or otherwise belittle you. Better also for your child to be in and around your steady influence some of the week rather than to be with her dad the whole time as she is now.

You wouldn't be there all the time, no, but your daughter would finally have a safe base without his abusive bullshit.

My mum passed first and he was pretty rubbish if I’m honest, for instance asking me days after how long I was going to use it as an excuse (for my emotions).

I can't get over this. Normal human beings don't need to have experienced a personal bereavement to know better than to make such horrendous comments. It's just outright cruel and I'm so sorry that's what you had to contend with.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time. You’ve had a lot to deal with.

The relationship sounds untenable really. He doesn’t support you, he’s a toxic influence in the house. Your life would seemingly be much calmer, happier and healthier without him in it.

I completely understand your concern about him having unsupervised access to your daughter and that you will not be there to counteract his emotional abuse. Nobody can really tell you that won’t happen. But consider also:

a) your daughter currently has no safe space in which to live in a healthy environment without her father’s toxic influence. You could provide her with this for at least 50% of the time.
b) you are not happy and healthy in this toxic environment and therefore cannot be the best version of yourself for your daughter.

@AttilaTheMeerkat “Better also for your child to be in and around your steady influence some of the week rather than to be with her dad the whole time as she is now.”

I genuinely hadn’t looked at it from this perspective so for that thank you.

He does currently work full time, but has stated previously if we were to separate he would seek another job so he had 50% custody, which I think if anything he would almost do out of spite.

It’s funny I was about to start making excuses for him as I obviously haven’t painted him in a great light, but actually I think I’m done with excuses. There is a myriad of other issues too when I think about it, for instance I have been presented with a new business opportunity and whenever I’ve talked to him about it I’m met with silence. Ultimately probably because he sees it as a loss of control over me.

@tickticksnooze He was very apologetic after his bereavement when he reflected on how he had been with me, but you’re absolutely right, that doesn’t make it ok. He actually also mocked me just days after when I was upset about something, which was me obviously grieving. I am actually wondering now how I’ve made excuses for so long.

And I really appreciate the perspective of my daughter at least having a safe base, because I hadn’t looked at it like that.

@Outlyingtrout You have made some very valid points, thank you. I haven’t been able to see things for what they are, and the thought of leaving has up until now been scarier than staying, but I think the tables have finally turned on that one.

He seems to think when we’re emotional we are being manipulative despite telling him otherwise quite a lot.

He thinks you having emotions is manipulative? What a hypocrite. Giving you the silent treatment is what's manipulative!

I was also concerned about DC being with toxic ex. Thankfully 🙄 he rarely sees her - his choice, but our home where DC is the vast majority of the time is generally calm and happy and fun. I know he says stuff to her that I think is is appropriate, feeds her crap etc etc and i can't control this, but i can listen to DC and try to be a positive influence and give stability. Hopefully this is enough to counteract the shitty bits.

@Drinkingpop I think because he has stated before he would want 50/50, and even ‘joked’ about full custody is where my concern lies, but that is not to say that is how it would work out at all. I have a slight concern that he would use my PND, which was severe, against me. Thankfully I am absolutely fine now.

Just today I took DD out for lunch after her appointment and we had and usually do have so much fun together. She even told me about something ‘naughty’ she had done at nursery, and we just chatted about it like normal human beings, and I thought that her feeling comfortable enough to tell me must mean I’m doing something right. And of course she finished off by saying ‘don’t tell daddy’.

Best of it is when I have gone to him with my opinion about his behaviour toward her he can’t remotely see that I’m actually doing it for his benefit, because I know how their relationship will end up.

@Fairislefandango you’re totally right.