Dumped over text after 3 years & feeling like I can’t go on

[Malibu19880]

After 3 years my boyfriend broke up with me with a one line text.

He’s back on dating sites immediately and following new girls.

i’m 34, and this pain is no better than when I was a teenager. I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

I feel really suicidal. I’m okay, I won’t act on it. My family are very supportive and I’m seeing my counsellor on Wednesday but the darkness just feels so overwhelming at times. Like the pain of just being completely discarded like I don’t matter and the last 3 years have been nothing.

To treat me with such contempt. I know I am better off than without someone who does that, I know the relationship wasn’t right and I have been unhappy and not having my needs met for a very long time…but that doesn’t stop the intense pain I feel right now. I feel used and worthless and like it was just all a lie.

Cover essentials first - sleep, eat and drink. Can you take a few days off work? Get some fresh air. It sounds like the relationship wasn't going too great so maybe it would help to write a list of good and bad aspects. Do not contact him, delete his number, delete him off social media. Go cold turkey, it'll be much easier. No long paragraph texts to him, never allow yourself to do this, you will regret it. 34 is still young, this wasn't the right one for you. Focus on yourself, make some plans, goals and things will slowly get better.

He's at fault, not you.

Re suicidal, can you see it logically? It's really hard emotionally, and so shit of him, but logically, do you think that being in a relationship with him is the only point of you existing? Can you think of other reasons that you exist?

He's just a human. Just one human. He's got no power over you, regardless of what he does or says. Not unless you choose to give it to him. You're in charge.

Yup basically everything @Fruitandnuts said
Lots of sleep
Sleep was best friend in these situations
Take time off
Watch a ton of shit tv
Make plans for later on the hat with friends

Later in the year *

What helped me in a similar situation was a friend took me out walking her dog every day, she let me rant/cry and we walked until I was exhausted and had no energy left. I completely stopped drinking alcohol for 6 months. I also began running and whenever I was mad or wanted to contact him, I ran until I was so tired I focused more on my physical tiredness than emotional distress.

What everyone else has said. Really look after yourself. You and he were together for 3 years so this is bound to take some getting used to.

This pain will pass and future you will look back at this time and be so glad that the guy who was making you unhappy stopped wasting your time and set you free. It will just take a while to get there.

For now - plan a series of really self-indulgent activities. For the time being, you only need to please yourself. Sleep, TV box sets, spa treatments, long walks in beautiful places, outings with family and friends - whatever appeals.

@Duckschmuck ‘s advice sounds brilliant.

I'd say hang out with friends as much as you can. By all means offload to them initially, but after a week or 2, it's time to draw a line under him being the topic of conversation. Rehashing it with people stirs up emotions and keeps it at the forefront in your mind. It doesn't help you to move on.
It is going to be harder to sleep as your mind will have difficulty switching off from it. Counteract this by exercising, whether that's running, gym or swimming. Not only will it help you sleep better, your mind may be able to switch off from it while you are putting the physical effort in, which can bring some peace. Also as your fitness improves, it will help you to feel good about yourself and maintain your self-esteem which doubtless has taken a knock from this horrible man.
The sooner you can move on, the closer you are to being happy with the right person.
As you know, you've wasted 3 years with a wrong-un, and say for a good period of that he made you unhappy, so resolve to not waste time and stick in things that are going bad, without addressing it.

Great advice.

I'd also suggest being very pragmatic when you think about it - it's what helps me in crappy emotional situations.

You say you were unhappy and your needs weren't being met so, logically, it ending will ultimately be good for you.

Was it the fact he did it by text? Would face to face have really been preferable? Personally, I can't think of anything worse!

He clearly recognised it wasn't working, as had you. Are you kicking yourself that he got there first? Cross with yourself for not having being more decisive yourself ? (This is the one that would get me the most). You haven't been discarded. The relationship between you both has. He was 50% responsible for that relationship. And if it wasn't working, and you weren't happy, and your needs weren't met, then it's not a loss.

Is it just the shock of it? Wondering what the future will be like? Starting again?

You weren't used, you're not worthless and the last three years weren't a lie. Some relationships work out long term and some don't.

The self care advice above is great. But I'd turn the emotional focus to a pragmatic one ASAP in your shoes.

Thank you all for your really helpful advice.

I think I just needed to hear some wise words from others because when you feel like this, you feel like there's no escape and the pain will never end.

I have an anxious attachment style and he wasn't a good communicator. He would shut down and discard me whenever there was any conflict because that's how he deals with things but that was always incredibly painful for me who lives with a fear of abandonment. He never made me feel loved.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship prior to this one where I never spoke up and ignored all of my needs. If something bothered me I would internalise it. I really tried in this relationship to communicate my needs and boundaries, to say exactly how I felt even when I was afraid that he would leave me for saying how I feel. I had told him over and over again what the issues were and he just repeatedly ignored them, then now turned it back on me and said he's not happy. I just feel like....I've been telling you how we can fix this for months, you've not listened and now you're discarding me.

The rational part of my brain knew I should have walked away when I had voiced my issues and nothing changed, but because of my past I clung on like a koala because anything is better than nothing and I so desperately wanted it to work (I know this is wrong).

He's treated me pretty abysmally and shown me who he really is, I understand that. But my little heart just feels so much pain because I thought that we had something special that was worth working on.

And the jumping back into dating within a few hours is the worst part. Just absolutely brutal.

This time next year, he will be feeling terrible about the way he treated you but you will be thanking your stars for it.

You already know you're better off without this awful man. The purpose of the last three years has been to show you what you want and deserve from a relationship.

Please keep using this thread for support whenever it gets tough - we'll be here.

@Malibu19880 , so sorry to hear what you have gone through. I had a similar period of time which was the lowest point of my life. A breakup with no proper closure. God it nearly killed me. I still remember the hollowness of everyday when I lived with numbed feeling (nothing in mind and nothing in my body). I just ate and slept and went to work and came home repeating the same cycle.

It lasted about half year and I even tried to reach to that man to seek sympathy. It didn't help. In the end, I suddenly had enough and I realised if you want god save you, you need to save yourself (wanting to save yourself) first. So I learned to accept what's really happened and learned to move on.

You will be there too. But you need to truly want to save yourself out from this and tell yourself you've had enough grief and it's time to move on.

What I meant is family would be supportive, friends would provide shoulders to cry on and counselling might shed lights on inner self. But in the end, you yourself would have to be willing to let go.

Thank you so much this is really helping me with the waves of intense emotions.

I won’t speak to him again, there’s no coming back from this. I just have to sit with the grief and ride it out which is the hardest thing for me cause I don’t want to feel this pain. And when it’s so intense you feel so desperate that you would do literally anything to not feel the pain anymore. That’s where my intrusive suicidal thoughts come in.

I enjoy running, I’ll try running again in a few days. I’m back in therapy so I can do work on my attachment style and abandonment issues.
i know that practically I will do all the right things when I’m feeling calm but it’s the uncertainty of those waves of grief which just completely consume me and make me feel really unsafe.

I wanted him to be the “forever one” and instead of accepting who he really was and that actually, he didn’t make me happy, I suppressed my needs and my feelings in the hope that he would love me and that would be enough.

I always recommend this - 'Baggage Reclaim Sessions' podcast

The attachment you crave is attachment to yourself. Every time you put up with someone rejecting/discarding your stated feelings, you reject and discard yourself.

You can start attaching to yourself now. In fact, now is the best time, when you're most in need. Notice how you've come here, for external validation and support, and how it helps, having people sympathise and understand. Notice how dramatically it reduces the suicidal feelings.

Where were you first rejected? Generally, if you have an anxious attachment style, it's to do with your parents. Did you have to put your feelings aside to accommodate them, in some way? Were they otherwise engaged, whilst raising you, with addiction? With grief? With a sibling who grabbed all their attention? The child they didn't pay enough attention to is still looking for help and reassurance. Today she came to Mumsnet. But you can teach her that she can come to you. You're an adult now. You can take responsibility for her, and make sure she doesn't get pushed aside any more. What's she asking for today? To be heard and understood? To be hugged and sympathised with? Have a think about what she needs. You yourself can provide it.

So sorry you are going through this - completely understand that raw pain xxx

He has done you the biggest favour of your life.

Something else from my experience which may help. Is I stayed single so wasn't able to project onto my partner. This meant that all the emotions I concentrated on him still happened but in different situations.

I started trying to recognise when I began to feel different emotions, I then tried to understand the reasons why and finally I learnt to address the reasons with the situation that caused it rather than project in a safe space.

This has enabled me to actually improve my life, because I was actually addressing the issue rather than going in a never-ending loop and to have better quality realistic relationships with the people around me.

This is really interesting. I don’t mean to pry… could you give an example of this?

What you described reminded me of something I read online lately. Just to share with you in case it might be relevant.

**When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able to take the loneliness away, even if only for a moment. When … you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, you heart wants only one thing – to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, not the one who could temporarily take it away.

Learn to Detach
According to the Buddhist tradition, much of our suffering is born in clinging to relationships and material items in our lives, attaching ourselves to their permanent status. If we can get comfortable with the idea that everything in life is transient, we free ourselves to experience people, places, and things more fully and spare ourselves the pain associated with attachment.

“Sometimes we must undergo hardships, breakups, and narcissistic wounds, which shatter the flattering images that we had of ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we were; and that the loss of a cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of true happiness and well-being.”

Pain exposes us to the work that needs to be done to feel alive within ourselves and to stumble upon a joy that isn’t depend on anything or anyone. We are brought to our knees, immersed in the rubble and dirt of grief. However, such a perspective allows us to build a new foundation and begin to define who we are and what we aspire to be. **

I know your pain. But happiness didn't end there. Trust yourself.

Lots of loves.

@PetalParty I could give you a big example but it really isn't about that.

It was about all the little everyday things, things that are petty. Before I would think that's petty, it shouldn't affect you. But I learned to accept that it did, question why and be OK with why. So if someone had said something dismissive and I felt upset, I would acknowledge it, try and work out why that in particular had bothered me and what I may need to do to protect or value myself. Mostly it wasn't saying things, but sometimes it would be. It might be not engaging with that person or doing something differently.

Contemplating it now, I guess it taught me I could value my own feelings as much as other people's, even when they are petty and inconsequential. It gave me the practice as to how to do this on a regular and daily basis, which when more intense things arose, I was in a better position to deal with it. It also meant I had created a kinder environment for myself so that when more intense things happen they are in isolation not the normal.