I slapped DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

You were wrong to hit him, and you better understand that he really will pop each of your fingers broken. Men have the easy strength to do so.

I am not saying I’m above feeling like bashing a head in, let alone dealing a slap. I also know I grew up rough and that’s why my most base of anger makes those thoughts pop up. I still won’t do it, and I never have. But I swear, I have very much felt the urgent muscle tense. Thank goodness I have been working on it with a professional… I’d be so sad if it came out.

im telling you this because I don’t want the situation you describe to go unnoticed….

You should consider breaking up if you can’t work through things without violence. It’s no good. Incredibly toxic to the children. He needs to get off his game if you’re sleeping. You need your rest.

Believe him though. He will inflict true violence on you if you pull that again. Believe it.

This sounds messed up on every level. No routine or parenting together or looking after each other, violence, threats, and leaving a 3 year old to cry??

So messed up OP.

I think you both need some help from a therapist or support worker or social services etc. This is not a normal family environment. At all.

I second the suggestion for a support worker and parenting classes. Sounds like all of you need support and guidance.

Is the noise from gaming waking and unsettling DS sleep? I know when we had a gamer in the house it disrupted mine.

you know you shouldn’t have hit out but it sounds like there is way more at play in your relationship.

you’ve also duplicated this thread if you report the Aibu mn can remove it.

I wasn’t leaving him to cry. I’m not at all comfortable with the cry it out method. Never have been despite it being recommended by our last HV.

I can't believe a health visitor told you to leave a three year old alone to cry. That is abusive. If they did tell you that then report them to their manager.

LTB first and then deal with everything else.

She told me to soothe him but leave him every 5 to 10 minutes then come back and soothe him again.

I'm scared for you op. Do you have somewhere you can go?

Well firstly if my husband ever laid a hand on me our relationship would be over there and then, I would never tolerate domestic violence, nor would I make my child a victim of it.

Has your son always struggle to settle himself to sleep if he wakes up. The HVs suggestion doesn’t sound like CIO if you’re going in every five minutes to comfort. What support are you getting from the GP regarding your sons possible ASD and sleep issues?

Have you apologised?

Agree with pp, the whole relationship sounds messed up.
What are you doing to change it?

Your husband swears at you, and to make it worse he does it in front of your child. He also doesn’t seem to bother parenting his own child. What's he like with housework? Is he supportive when you're tired/upset?

I also think it's fucking disgusting that he thinks it's okay to threaten a woman who lightly slapped him with breaking her fingers. I've never hit my husband but I know that if I did, he would never ever respond in that way because the idea of hurting a woman would appall him, and frankly given 2 or 3 women a week die at the hands of a male partner or ex partner, that's the kind of attitude I want in a man.

No, you shouldn’t have slapped him, but the fact that your MIL text to check you were OK shows that his behaviour is not right. It’s ducks in a row time.

Obviously you shouldn’t have slapped him - and men can indeed be victims of domestic violence frol women - but I think it’s disingenuous to say that’s what’s happening here.

it hardly sounds like he was ever in any genuine fear and ii clearly weren’t being emotionally abusive to him

he sounds awful and you deserve much more than this op

sounds like your mil might be of some support?

id say you’re going to have to leave him - we’ll get him to leave

nof easy but long term worth it

xx

Your on different pages with parenting
CIO is a recognised method
DH wants to do it and you don’t
it you don’t want to that’s fine but then you made that decision didn’t want implement it and told him to go and sort it

a lot of people ( men and women) natural reflex to violence it to be violent back
if you hit someone don’t be surprised if they hit you back
you say he’d slapped your bum playfully harder but context is everything
2 people jovially messing out and a slap on the bum will be seen different even as as a sign of affection
2 people arguing in a tense atmosphere a slap will be interpreted totally different and as a sign of aggression not affection
mid argument it’s more about the act of lashing out and slapping rather than how hard the slap was
you need to sort how you 2 want to parent at the moment you are just both undermining each other and no doubt confusing your child

Dump him, he looks selfish and miserable. You can do much better on your own without the burden of trying to control your nerves against his shitty behaviour. It's not your fault, your feelings are valid and he's not worth it!

I don't think this can be saved. You physically assaulted him. He threatened violence. You have different ideas on how to parent. It's chaos.
Separate before either one of you does more harm and try to co parent the 3 year old. I agree on not leaving him to cry it out btw but your husband just will not be on board so you need to do the bedtimes all on your own because your husband just will not see it the way you see it and if you don't leave and stop asking him to do nights on your own terms and in your own method of parenting then you will end up physically fighting which is more harmful for your child than crying it out. So toxic.
I don't underestimate the impact of no sleep and broken sleep, I have DC who didn't sleep reliably until 5 years+ but you crossed a line with your husband and it tends to escalate.

Oh Christ another fucking old thread, sorry folks.

ZOMBIEEEEEEE