Infrequent sex

[Namechangedforthisunsuprisingly]

My DH and I have a pretty reasonable marriage, we are good friends, we love each other, we get along well, have a similar outlook on life etc

The issue is we hardly ever have sex - maybe 10 times a year at most. When we do its excellent, but my DH can't be bothered very often. He wanks about once a week (in a different room to me, he tried to be discreet, but when you have been married for this long you tend to know whats happening, and he always takes his phone and never otherwise goes in to the spare room so its fairly obvious)

The last couple of times we have had great sex I have made it quite clear I am up for more of the same the next day, but he says he is too tired and then goes and has a wank instead.

It feels like when I am horny my instinct is to have sex and when he is horny his instinct is to wank.

We have spoken off and on about it over the years, he knows it makes me sad. But he always says he is too tired for more sex. But he has changed his job a couple of times, reduced his hours and responsibilities (not to facilitate sex, one for a better work life balance and once due redundancy) and nothing changes.

I'm 37. I am little heavier than I would like (due to medical reasons - nothing excessive) but so is he. He knows I am working on it, but he tells me he still finds me sexy and when we have sex it certainly feels like he does.

We have been together 12 years and even at the start my sex drive was higher than this. But it was at least once a week and he wasn't wanking in between as often. It feels like he has maintained his need for release once a week its just not usually with me.

I guess I just wonder what the point is? It feels made to break up with him when everything else is great and it would really hurt him, and me. I might never meet any one else so sex 10 times a year is better than nothing.

On the other hand it breaks my heart a little when I know he knows I am horny and he slips away to wank instead.

I'm not a troll I promise, I namechanged for this but MN will be able to see I have been here for years.

Do you wank often? I understand that he's hurting your feelings but he probably looks forward that weekly wank.

Rather than ask the next day try going bi monthly then it's not such a huge disparity between your wants and his.

What gets him in the mood? Rather than asking and getting hurt when there's no mood. Can you ask a week earlier than you normally would after a back rub or he's had a relaxing day?

I'm not in your situation so these may be awful suggestions but sounded like if the rolls were reversed (without the wanking) you should be getting the mood right not just being a sex pest and then having a strop (extreme summary not saying your that bad)

I will try and get him in the mood, he might even get a reaction but then he will tell me he is too tired, and maybe tomorrow but then tomorrow doesn't always happen.

I try to not push because I don't want to be a sex pest, and I promise I don't have a strop.

We have spoken about it between times, when I have tried to get to the bottom of whether there is an issue but its not in a 'have sex with me or I will be upset' kind of way.

I get that he might be looking forward to his weekly wank, but I look forward to sex and it feels like I am the one that compromises every time.

I do masturbate, but only because of the lack of sex, I would prefer sex to be honest.

Even on his relaxing days he says he is to tired. I have gently tried to hint at him going to the GP's as he says he is tired all the time but he wont and to be honest he isn't to tired to run several times a week, and go swimming and cycling several times a week, only two tired to have sex.

And whilst I never moan about his hobbies, I have plenty of my own, I do feel frustrated that he is only too tired when it comes to me. But then I can't force it, or say to much or I am a sex pest which I genuinely don't want to be, so its a vicious cycle.

I am sure he is looking forward to his weekly wank. And it won’t be a problem if it didn’t mean he is a lazy partner and is ignoring his W’s needs. He clearly fell into a certain routine that works for him but is quite selfish otherwise.

Personally - I’d be getting a vibrator out and joining him in the spare room. Who knows - maybe a break in his routine - and seeing his W also being sexual would spark something eventually. Maybe they can go from parallel wanking to some joint activities that will lead to more sex together.

if he isn’t open to that - and you still want to stay in the marriage - I’d be telling him that since he decided to outsource his sex life to interactions with porn/his hand - I’d be outsourcing it to men on Tinder. Possibly on a weekly schedule - timing it to coincide with his sessions with his phone.

That's kind of a good idea @MMmomDD . @Namechangedforthisunsuprisingly How about 'Mind if I join you?' 😀

I guess I could ask to join him, I hadn't thought of that to be fair, maybe it would spark something off.

I guess at this point I just feel so unsexy and do down about it all i'm not sure I have it in me to go to that level of vulnerability and get rejected again. But I guess if I want things to change I have to be willing to try and it does make sense to try that as well

@Namechangedforthisunsuprisingly

I am sorry you feel down. And I hope you find your inner anger over it all really.

i wasn’t suggesting you ASK to join. I was actually really suggesting you walk in and do your thing. With your vibrator. Since it’s the weekly family wanking time and all.

Thing is - he gets away with being a lazy partner because you let him get away with it. And it has nothing to do with your attractiveness or a little extra weight. It’s just pure ‘can’t be arsed’ attitude to his partner.
He won’t change by your crying and asking. He may change if you alter your reaction and he sees you aren’t going to let him ignore you.

Actually that kind of makes sense and possibly makes it easier. If I'm not asking then there is less chance of being rejected.

He genuinely isn't seeing me crying, although we have talked about his lack of sex drive I hide a lot of my emotion from him. I know I've 'let' this happen but then its such a fine line before it gets to coercing him to have sex which I would never want to do.

I guess I just have to have confidence in myself and just go for it. I do appreciate the advice

Of course coercing someone to have sex isn’t right. But he has a sex drive and he has sex. Weekly. It’s just he chooses to have it with his hand, not with you.

Marriage isn’t only an economic partnership. Unless you both agreed to have a sexless marriage - a certain level of pleasurable joint physical intimacy is part of the deal.

Masturbation is of course Ok and personal. But when it replaces couples’ intimacy - it means it’s taken it too far.

Breaking entrenched routines isn’t easy. So who knows if it’ll make a difference. But it’ll certainly shake things up.

I think its important he understands how much this matters to you, that it is making you cry. Not to guilt or coerce him but because he can't respond with the right level of effort if he doesn't see how big a deal it is to you. I know you've talked about it lots, but has be been left with the impression that this is a niggling issue for you rather than something that is just not how you want your life to be? Obviously it risks the disappointment of you laying your feelings bare and nothing changing, but that's no worse to now really.

As for remedying it, if he's willing you try to plan for 1 or 2 times a month? It goes on both your calendars and isn't to replace spontaneous occasions.

You are upset and nothing is changing. Do you really think it can?
At 36 I was married and sex happened once in 2 years, through therapy I knew that his needs were being met and mine weren't. Fundamentally incompatible.
Find a good professional counselor. Your sadness is real and you need to be heard.

I have told him it matters, I have shown him it matters, he says all the right things but nothing changes

This all got worse after we stopped trying for a baby. It wasn't like it was all thermometers and calendars, we went almost directly to IVF because of a congenital defect I have so it wasn't like the plannedness of it put him off.

But when we realised it wasn't working and we had to stop trying 5 years ago the sex got even less frequent. And now I feel like I am just broken. My body doesn't do what its supposed to so he isn't interested. And I have told him how I feel and he knows how deeply this hurts me, and he tells me its an important conversation and he's glad I told him and then nothing changes.

Maybe counselling is the way forward, just to shift some of the sadness, and help me understand what I want from this. I guess I am scared to end it because I feel like no one will ever want me, and 10 times a year is better than nothing, and sex isn't everything. But it just feels like I make all the compromise and he doesn't make any.

Plus I feel like I can never turn him down. When he is eventually interested I have to be in the mood or its not like I get a second chance the next day. That frustrates me.

I'm sorry I don't really know what the point of the thread was, and I'm rambling, I guess I just needed to get it out of my head at this point.

I agree with PP about this - unless he would prefer to wank the whole time and never have sex with you, it sounds like your sex life is organised entirely to suit him (including that the minute he decides he wants sex with you, you’re supposed to be up for it) and that’s not okay. He’s actually being terribly selfish about this.

I wonder whether the degree of physical activity he is engaged in - which sounds pretty extreme if he’s not a professional sportsman - is also depleting his sex drive.

I’m very sorry about your disappointments with trying to conceive. Did he very passionately wish to be a father? Could there be things unspoken around that which are affecting him? And you?

One of the closest, most contented couples I know tried for years to have children and it took a long time for them to come to terms with it not happening for them. They have done and now very enthusiastically take advantage of all the things being without children allows them to do, but it was a journey to get there.

From a male perspective I think your DH is in the wrong here - prioritising wanking over sex with your DP is a red flag and he should be asking himself serious questions about why he is doing this and whether it is fair to you - which obviously it isn't. Nothing wrong with a bit of self indulgence if your DP is unwilling or unavailable but if they are willing and available then that is different and their needs should come first.

I agree with everyone. A man using porn more often than sex is always going to cause issues (unless both parties are on the same page).

If feels crappy when you know it's happening and there's been no interest or effort at sex.

I'm surprised you're holding it together. Less than once a month must be hard for you if you want to do it.

The porn over you can't continue.

I’m going to disagree with some of the comments above and say that his masturbation habits are generally nothing to do with the OP.( imagine if the genders were reversed and a man was complaining… )

BUT.
if he is ignoring his wife’s requests for sex (or general intimacy), that clearly is a problem that needs to be addressed, he certainly sounds a bit selfish when it comes to sex, this might be linked to the previous attempts to conceive, maybe he doesn’t see his wife in a sexual way anymore ?

I’m going to disagree with some of the comments above and say that his masturbation habits are generally nothing to do with the OP.( imagine if the genders were reversed and a man was complaining… )

no man is ever going to complain that a woman prefers porn to sex with him since their isn’t a porn industry that’s designed to entice primarily women meeting any and every need that a woman could ever want with 99 percent of it aimed at women … just doesn’t exist … and consequently VERY a few women choose porn over their partners

as opposed to the real world we live in where the porn industry meets mens every sexual desire with women catagorised like meat - big boobs , small boobs. , young , old , Asian , secretaries , it just goes on and on where men can choose what they like at the click of a button …

no woman can compete with that in many mens eyes

imagine however if a woman met her emotional needs to feel desired by sending her naked pics to other men and rarely seemed interested in getting naked with her husband … people would be outraged and say how wrong it is!

I deliberately said masturbation not porn.

Just think what would the response would be if a man said his wife should not masturbate or use sex toys as an aid, how would that sound, people would be outraged and say what a controlling prick he was?
so I stand behind my comment that the guys weekly masturbation habit is none of her business.
the OP also admits that she also has a masturbating habit, so should she also stop if he has to?

"Mind if I join you?" Is a good shout!

Me and DH have had a dry spell recently. I did an online Ann summers shop and bought myself my first ever rabbit (I know I'm sheltered lol).

Nice and fun way to get into having a bit more intimacy when they are too tired for full sex.

Thank you for people who have replied, I really do appreciate it, and how much it has helped getting these thoughts out of my head into writing

I do think it might be around the not being able to conceive, he didn't have a really high sex drive before but it was certainly more frequent than it is now. But he wont talk to me, or anyone else about it, and I don't know how to fix the situation.

He is not sportsman but he does do a high amount of exercise, but there have been periods where he hasn't and he doesn't have any more energy for sex. It feels like he has got himself in this mindset that he doesn't have the energy for sex regardless of whether he is actually tired or not, but the moment he needs energy for something like going for a run he is fine.

I don't think it helps that our schedules don't align, so he is a morning person and I am an evening person, so maybe when I want to have sex isn't the same as him. But when we were having sex more, and the rarer times it happens now, it tends to be weekend afternoon sex (benefits of no children) but he still just isn't interested most weekends.

I do actually agree that his masturbation habits aren't necessarily my business per se, but it does add to my feelings of rejection when he will go for a wank at least once a week but wont want to have sex with me for weeks. So its not the act of wanking that I resent, if we had a healthy sex life I wouldn't give a damn about it.

And I am in no way suggesting he doesn't wank, I just wish he could do that and have sex with me more often.

I am going to try joining him and see if that makes a difference. I feel bad in some ways invading his private time, but at the same time, I feel like I need to do something to try to change the status quo.

I think he needs to understand how much this bothers you, and I’m not sure he does.

No one should be coerced into sex, but that isn’t what you are doing, and he has enough of a drive to have sex once a week, just with himself, not you.

I think you need to sit him down and say look this is really getting me down. Can we talk about it properly or get some counselling? Counselling might be useful because it does appear that he thinks sex is too much effort or too much intimacy or something.

I think he also needs to realise that splitting up is on your mind. I agree it seems mad, but going through life with no intimacy with your partner is pretty mad too.

Try talking really honestly and a counsellor.

If that doesn’t work, suggesting an open relationship is an alternative to separating, but it certainly doesn’t work for everyone.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

‘Just think what would the response would be if a man said his wife should not masturbate or use sex toys as an aid, how would that sound, people would be outraged and say what a controlling prick he was?

so I stand behind my comment that the guys weekly masturbation habit is none of her business.
the OP also admits that she also has a masturbating habit, so should she also stop if he has to?’

Except in this case the OP clearly stated he takes his phone and she assumes he is using porn so they are hand in hand

as to the woman using a sex toy in your scenario you clearly see women in porn as sex toys . Sorry to inform you but they are actual people . And btw so are all the women who price for the attitudes of men who use porn towards them in everyday life
sex tots are plastic , porn is people. That is unless you consider women who get naked suddenly ‘ not people ?

only a man could make such a comparison. Tell me you’re not a man lol! I’ll bet you can’t … not if you’re honest .

and btw you’d be cool with a wife sending her nudes to other men .. considering your cool with men using other women to get off

just waiting for the typical reply of most men ‘ohhhh but that’s different ‘

its really quite funny how porn and getting off to naked women means nothing , that is , until it’s their wife who another man’s getting off to ..

sorry OP not wanting to hijack so I’ll weigh out
but it’s very very wrong that he’s exhibiting a preference for porn or sex with his wife !

I have made it clear to him how much its upsetting me, I have also told him that I may end up leaving him over it. He says the right words at the time and then its like its just too much effort to actually do something to fix it.

I will consider counselling, at least for myself but hopefully for both of us.

I couldn't do an open marriage. I don't judge people who do, people should do what works for them. But its not just about sex its about closeness and intimacy and feeling wanted, and if I don't get that from my marriage and I do from someone else then whats the point in staying married?

I will try another conversation though in the hopes something sticks this time

@Ladylovesbooks
can you go and actually read my post from 09:08 this morning please?

the husband could have sex with his wife Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday a wank on Saturday and day off on Sunday.his masturbation habit is irrelevant, not having sex with his wife is relevant.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I am normally all for personal freedoms and privacy. And masturbation being a normal healthy thing and not to be policed. And having nothing to do with the the partner.
So to people coming on here saying - ‘why does he masturbate so much - we have regular sex…’ - I say all that.

But in this case - it’s clearly not the case.
He masturbates weekly, while only placating his W with pity sex 10 times a year.
So - clearly his preference for solo sex relevant as it affects their intimacy as a couple and one of the partners is deeply unsatisfied.