Being with a man who hasn't moved on

[Jumpking]

My friend has been seeing her man for 18ish months and she's told him she loves him and he's not said it back. I posted about it and your posts on that thread made her realise that he makes her happy and he cares for her in his own way. She decided she wanted to be with him more than she needed to hear him say I love you.

Chatting today, it has now come out that he's told her he's not ready to move on to a new relationship. He really enjoys her company and spending time with her. There's no one else. His head just isn't in the right place.

She told me today that she'd already worked that bit out and was fine with it, as they get on so well and have fun. She enjoys his company too...I guess you would if you love them! They're not in a place to move in together for a good few years, so she's not in a rush for things to progress or for his head to be in the right place for a while.

I've told her I think she's taking a big risk sticking with him in the hope he might be ready to move on one day in the future. She said he's worth it. I also said he's likely to treat you poorly if he doesn't value you highly in his life now, and now that he's spelled it out, he's likely to treat you even worse as you know what you're signed up to.

I think the guy is lovely, but emotionally repressed. I'm not sure he'll ever love her but like she says, I can't be sure of that. If he's not yet ready to move on 3 years after separating from his wife, I think she's heading for a nasty fall. She disagrees.

Over to you collective Mumsnet - you helped her last time. Please help her again!

Hmm. My experience of these sort of coversations is with men who say it's all about them and not being ready. In reality it's all about whether they see a future with the person they are with but they won't admit to it. If they do find someone they don't want to let go then they move fast, if not then they are quite happy to let the person they are with keep the seat warm until they find someone they want to commit to.

The cliche is that she spends 10 years patiently waiting, discovers an affair, relationship ends and 2.5 seconds later he's marrying the OW and a baby is on the way. He remains blissfully happy while original woman is left feeling like there must be something wrong with her and she's wasted her life.

Maybe he's not like this. He's obviously had a marriage that failed so understandable to be cautious. I think she should decide how much time she's prepared to sink in this given that there's a good chance it might go nowhere.

If she’s in full knowledge of the facts and is happy with that then be happy that she’s happy and let her enjoy her relationship.

They both have teens and don't want to disturb them by moving in together, so it'll be a good few years before that's even on the table.

He's spoken historically in throw away comments about her being part of his retirement, so I guess he sees a future with her.

I'm also guessing he won't want another child in his mid 50s with another woman, but who knows?

I fully agree with your final paragraph.

Why are they even discussing moving in when he has said he's not ready to move on or for a relationship?

They aren't on different pages, they're not even reading the same book.

If she is hoping he'll change his mind about her in future years, it's highly unlikely because the dynamic of their relationship is already established.

I agree with you that he is unlikely.to change his position as far as she is concerned.

After 18 months you know if you love someone or not and if you dont then its not happening. But saying that its your friends choice if she wants to be strung along for a few more years of someone who wants sex but not love.

I don't fancy her chances of him falling in love with her one day. My experience of relationships is that you either fall for someone quite quickly or you don't fall for them at all. I think she's wasting her time and if she wants marriage/family one day it's time she could be meeting someone else.

“After 18 months you know if you love someone or not and if you dont then its not happening. But saying that its your friends choice if she wants to be strung along for a few more years of someone who wants sex but not love.”

This. And also what @maranella said. And what @Rodion said. It’s fine if your friend can accommodate that but she may find herself getting her heart broken by him ending the relationship and rushing into a deeper commitment with someone else. But that also may be a risk your friend is willing to take.

Why are you trying to talk your friend out of her relationship, that's on her terms according to her feelings?

Is she asking for your help?

How did we 'help' her before? She was pursuing him then and she's pursuing him now, what did our 'help' change?

You seem very invested. Why not let her make her own decisions, given that she's an adult, and then support her if things fall apart, given that you're her friend?

I'm the only person she talks to about this sort of personal stuff.

But she wants more opinions than just mine before she considers them all and decides how she wants to move forward. An anonymous forum is a great way for her to get a range of opinions. And she's "rubbish at not waffling on those things".

If she relies on a bunch of complete strangers, via a friend, to work out how she feels about things, she needs different advice from what to do in her relationship situation. She needs to grow up, and understand that she needs to build her life based on how she feels about things.

If she needs us to tell her that, she needs to learn to listen to herself better. She loves a man who doesn't love her. He's told her he doesn't want a relationship right now. Ask her how it feels, deep down, to put your love life on hold for a man who doesn't love you. Ask her why she's so into someone who gives her 'no' signals. Ask her why she doesn't feel she deserves someone who is as nice as him, and is also into the idea of having a relationship. Ask her why she's happy to settle for such inequality of emotions.

Ask her why walking away doesn't seem like the sensible thing, here.

My experience of this sort of thing is that when he's ready to move on, it will be with someone else.

He's a fuckwit and your friend shouldn't waste her time.

It's like those men who don't feel ready for children or say they never want children and you waste your best years with them and then they run off and have knocked some younger woman up within a matter of months. Stay well clear

It's her mistake to make. She is fully aware of where she stands with him and she is making a choice to accept and overlook that. This is entirely on her, nobody else to hold responsible for that except her.

Yeah, he's just not that into her. And when he meets someone he is into, he'll drop her like a hot rock. Tale as old as time.

If she's willing to put up with the constant dragging self-esteem-eroding undertow of not being good enough to love, to commit to... Well, more fool her, I guess, but she's making her own choices with her eyes open.

18 months and he hasn’t said I love you? Nope. Run.