Really like him… but it’s complicated

[Seahorsefan]

This is a bit of a complicated one…
I’m going through a divorce, but it’s not finalised yet. We’ve been separated since Christmas.
I went for a play date with a single dad of one of my sons friends. We got on. He asked me out for dinner which was great and we had a lovely kiss afterwards. I stayed over in his bed, but no sex.
Fast forward 3 months and we’ve been out a few times, I’ve been for dinner at his, we’ve slept together once - which was amazing but in retrospect the timing was terrible as he left to go abroad for work 2 days later so I didn’t see him for about 5 weeks.
we went for dinner again tonight and were enjoying a little snog after and I said I wouldn’t stay over - he’s going away again for work in 2 days. I explained that even though I enjoyed last time, the fact that I didn’t see him for weeks after didn’t make me feel great, so sleeping with him
again 2 days before he goes away again might not be a good idea.
Anyway he basically said he thinks we should be friends as he knows I’m in a tricky situation. I think he means that I’m not quite divorced yet and we’re obviously keeping our meet ups secret from our children, and anybody associated with their schools etc.
The thing is, I really like him. The sex (even though we only DTD once) was incredible. I know he fancies me as i still get the odd text about looking “hot”. And despite saying he thinks we should be friends, he held my hand the whole way home and we snogged again before I got out of the car.
I’m not really asking for advice, just getting things off my chest as I can’t talk to many of my friends about it in case word gets around at school and I’d hate anything to upset my kids (ages 12,9 and 8) who know nothing about all this.

@Seahorsefan sounds to me like he wanted a casual fling and realised you weren’t just up for sex now and again by you saying what you did. So he’s backed off and said let’s just be friends. Sounds like a he’s used your situation as an excuse.

He just wants a fuck buddy op.

If you're not in a position to have a relationship, perhaps he isn't wanting to be hurt if you don't actually separate. Or the complications of being with your partner that will affect the situation with him. He sounds like he's trying to be sensible. Why is the divorce not finalised?

So you said you weren’t going to stay over and explained why, and instead of trying to understand your feelings and reassure you he said you should be friends and blamed your circumstances?

Your kid's ages suggest you were with your ex for getting on for 15 years. Having been through the process myself (longer relationship, less complications with kids because of their age) I know divorces take time even if both partners are accepting so put that to one side

Go with the flow - his work situation (fair bit of time away ) makes things more complicated but your comments make me think there is a chance he is Mr Right and you are both playing it a bit careful because of your personal situations and the school connection. Nothing wrong with that but I think this is worth persisting with

I agree with the above poster. It does sound like you both like each other but things are a little complicated. In a way - it’s good he travels as it puts a natural break on the speed of this relationship.
You two are clearly attracted to each other - so let it just develop. You won’t be able to stay just friends anyway by the sound of it. He was just trying to be respectful of your situation. Of course it is a little complicated with the divorce still ongoing and kids at the same school.
I’d just okay it cool and continue chatting to him and let it all develop naturally.

He is plainly just after sex. A fling.
It suits him to have sex right before he leaves - he most likely appreciates the distance that it puts between you after the deed.

sounds to me like he wanted a casual fling and realised you weren’t just up for sex now and again by you saying what you did. So he’s backed off and said let’s just be friends. Sounds like a he’s used your situation as an excuse.

I don't think that's necessarily true in this case. OP's situation is complex and she was pulling back- it's not unreasonable to give her the space to decide what the relationship is, without pressure. Frankly, I think either of them would be nuts to want much more than casual in the short term.

OP, take the time to figure out what you want. You haven't been separated long and, personally, I would only be pursuing a relationship if you are happy for it to be a casual thing- if you want something serious then take the time to gwt your life in the right place first.

it's not unreasonable to give her the space to decide what the relationship is

@donquixotedelamancha But OP didn't have any doubts about the relationship, she was ok with it, she just didn't want to be shagged and then have the bloke not be around for several weeks.

But OP didn't have any doubts about the relationship, she was ok with it, she just didn't want to be shagged and then have the bloke not be around for several weeks.

Perhaps. Only OP knows exactly how that converation went, but if I was dating someone, just separated, who said they felt bad after we had sex because I went away with work I think my reaction would be to think perhaps the relationship was too much too soon.

The divorce application has been submitted and accepted, it just takes a while for the government to grant it

Thanks everyone

UPDATE:
So it’s clearer now he’s not interested ☹️.
I’ve texted him a few times in the past week, there’s been a bit of back and forth, not much, and nothing flirty. And I’ve always texted first.
He’s back in the country now. I texted him yesterday and no reply.
So that’s it. You think you’ve found a lovely guy, who couldn’t have been nicer 2-3 months ago, who I thought I had great chemistry with, and because casual sex is off the table, I’m no longer desirable!
For the record, I think I am really quite fabulous with so much to offer! Are all men so difficult to understand?

The trouble is, OP, they're not difficult to understand. Sigh.

Commiserations Xx

As the above poster said, they are not difficult to understand unfortunately.

I've only just read this thread op, so missed it op, but I'm sorry - this was easy to understand as a few posters did point out to you. When he said 'your situation is tricky' when there was nothing tricky about your situation, that was your clue. It's absolutely normal to see people when you're separated because divorce can take years. It does take a while learning to read the signs, but I think the following is true - you'll absolutely know if he's interested. If you're not sure, he's not.

Oh op, there was nothing difficult to understand about this at all; you say no to sex and the bloke says ok let’s just be friends, it doesn’t take Einstein to work out he thought you’d be a casual shag and he didn’t wish a relationship with you. He clearly timed it as well so he could say he was leaving the country and couldn’t see you after. Worked the first time he tried it a second.

dust yourself off; he was never going to be the one.

thank you. I know I’m worth much more than this.
he was my first date in 14 years (the last being the husband I’m divorcing) and it was just so nice to feel desired and treated nicely in the few dates we had! I think that may have blinded me as he seemed like a genuinely nice guy. I actually think he is a nice guy (he’s done a lot of good in other ventures) so it’s making all this a bit hard to swallow