Am I the a***hole?

[SophieB0012]

I (28f) and my husband (30m) have 2 kids DD (4) and DS (2). I am a SAHM. We used to struggle by financially but in lockdown my husband started his own business which has turned our finances around massively. We are now completely comfortable and my husband is extremely generous when it comes to giving me money when I need/want some.
Anyway, he has never been a hands on dad. Refuses nappy changes if I’m there, very very rarely takes the kids out himself (if ever) and doesn’t attempt to play with them etc. In all
honesty although I would like him to do more with the kids, I have naturally taken to being a proactive parent and having done it for 4 years now I’m used to it. We do often have a laugh as a family and generally get on well. The only other thing is the housework. He barely does a thing around the house. I do everything, except he will occasionally take a glass or a plate into the kitchen.

Now, to the problem. I have been away for the weekend with my friend while he looked after the kids. This is the longest he’s ever looked after them for at one time. And this happens extremely rarely as whenever I do things it’s normally with the kids. He invited his family round on the Saturday night for drinks and food which created a lot of dishes and mess in the kitchen. He hadn’t even attempted to clean the dishes so I asked him when he was going to. He said he wasn’t going to, insulted me, and told me I was selfish considering he paid for me and my friend to go away for the weekend. It was nice of him to pay for it, but then we are married so it’s both of our money anyway. Oh and I also clean the whole house before I left on Friday evening.

So, am I selfish for asking him to do his and his families dishes? Am I acting spoilt? Or is it normal to expect your husband to clean up after himself like an adult?

He is treating you like a member of staff - he pays, you behave.

He definitely should have cleaned up after himself. It’s very disrespectful. But equally when I have family over they always help clear up. How he spoke to you is very disrespectful too. Is he usually like this?

he’s treating you like his maid and his nanny.

tell him to fuck off (literally) and leave those dirty dishes in the sink.

It is totally normal for an adult to clean up after themselves, and to look after their own children.

How dare he treat you like a staff member, and, what have you been doing allowing him to get away with this half-arsed parenting for 4 years.

You need to clamp down on this right now. If it’s “his” money, go get yourself a job, and split the nursery fees with him - as well as drop offs and pick ups.

I cannot believe the cheek of it

Utterly unacceptable. My husband would never do this. I am a SAHM but he knows if I went away for the weekend and came back to his mess everywhere I would hit the roof. It is a question of respect.
We are a team and yes the lions share of house and child care falls to me, that is our deal so to speak but he would never be so disrespectful. He respects what I do in running our household and family life. I'd be having a serious conversation I'm afraid.

Yes, do make him an invoice for cooking, chef, maid, cleaning lady and nanny services.

your not the hired help. I would be furious if i returned home to a kitchen full of dishes and my OH thinking i was going to clean them up. He is treating you badly. You may be a SAHM but that doesnt equal- being treated like a maid

I think it might be a good idea to get a job

"We are now completely comfortable and my husband is extremely generous when it comes to giving me money when I need/want some."

That sentence made me visibly wince. He's your husband for goodness sake. Why do you see it as him being generous when he gives you money? it's not his money, it's meant to be family money - you're married.

He sounds like a throwback from the 1960s but you sound like you're not a million miles away from that mindset yourself.

They'd be left there till he does them so. And he didn't give you money to go away, it should be family money that you can access without asking. It sounds like you're his hired help.

He doesn't respect you and sees cooking, cleaning and childcare as a woman's job.

Your children will grow up thinking that is right and acceptable if they have to witness that throughout their childhood.

Can you live with that?

You're his wife, not his servant. It's ill mannered, rude and disrespectful for him to leave a kitchen full of crap he's created for you to clean when you get home. If he couldn't be arsed doing it himself, he should have hired someone else to do it before you got home.

How rude and lazy of him!!

I’d tell him you will be looking for work now and so will be expecting him to split the childcare with you 50/50.

Sounds like he's got a bit too big for his boots.

Too big and important to clean up his own, and his families shit. The fact he probably had them round to help look after the kids shows he's not too hot on the dad front.

I can't see this kind of man becoming more insightful, only more selfish and self entitled.

My dh has always known if l went away for the weekend the house must be as l left in on the Friday afternoon. He would always do a massive run around before l arrived back as it ruins the whole weekend to come back to a mess.
But he sees housework as his job too even though he wouldn't be brilliant and changing nappies etc was no bother to him.
This weekend needs to be a turning point for you . You may need to go to counselling if that man will not listen. Do not continue in this pattern. He should be doing far more ..he is a father after all.