Advice - Living with a partner with an ED and having a family

[ordinarybread]

TW Mentions of ED

I've been with my husband 12 years, married 5 months, we have lived together for 4 yrs and recently decided we want to start a family. For the past few years his eating hasn't caused disturbance in our intimate life I need to preface, his moods have been stable and his mental health has been good. Since we married and started trying for a child things have got quite bad.

So for context my partner has been diagnosed 'Eating disorder otherwise Specified,' he has complex issues with food stemming from his childhood. His weight has been steadily increasing and now he is extremely discontent, to the point where I believe he is depressed and needs therapeutic intervention. His discontentment with himself is affecting our intimate life, he just lays there and doesn't interact with me, he derails into some convo other than what is happening totally unrelated and just shuts sex down. I told him ultimately if you want a family we need to do certain obvious things in order for that to happen. And he tells me he isn't attractive and mentally can't go there right now which I absolutely respect. I find him attractive so this wouldn't be a problem for me, but his mental health above all seems to be strained with his mental image of himself.

He point blank refuses therapy, multiple people other than me have suggested this for years and he does not want it. When he does exercise, he takes it too far and has openly told me he can and would starve himself, he knows it's stupid to do so, but he could if he wanted to. (Very distressing to hear!) I don't know how to react, what to say when he gets like this, so he doesn't talk to me about it, because I get upset. It's a vicious cycle.

I am at a loss. I've been supporting him for years but I am not a clinician, I'm not trained to deal with eating disorders, I am also worried (I have told him this concern very openly) that his ED will effect our future potential children, his disordered eating is so bad we eat separate meals, he never eats anything remotely healthy because of his restrictions and food aversions.

Please know, I know I cannot change him, this is who I married, I love him - I just want to help and I'm struggling to deal with the behaviours.

Has anyone got experience with this? How did it effect family life?

@ordinarybread
I'm so sorry reading this it must be very difficult and you sound like an amazing partner to him

However

It doesn't sound like he's in the right place at the moment to be trying for a baby - you need him to feel well and be 100% on board with this

Go to the GP and have a conversation about it all and see what they suggest - maybe this is something you can work towards in the future but I'm not sure at the moment it's the right thing to do - bringing a baby into this situation isn't the way forward - you could potentially end up on your own pregnant or once youve had the child as there's a very strong chance he won't cope - he's not coping now let alone with the trials and tribulations of pregnancy and a new born baby

@lastminutedotcom22 Thank you - He honestly refuses point blank to get any form of help, therapy, nutritionist, psych eval etc Just says no they can't help me.

I’m sorry to hear this. I have a DD with an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa). She was very unwell in her teens and early twenties, functions better now (over 30).

in my experience, you can love them, you can cajole, persuade, be calm, be angry, shout, be a dolphin alongside them, leave them to it……you get the picture. Only they can change. My DD doesn’t want or is afraid of change. I cannot effect it, she has to want it and do it. I had to stay: she was my child. I’m not sure I would stay in a marriage where this was the dynamic. You can’t help, you can only support and I’m willing to bet that your help is enabling, because it makes you feel better. You’re taking responsibility, he is not. It won’t change until that changes. I’m sorry if that seems harsh.

I'm afraid in those circumstances I'd issue a final ultimatum. If he's not willing to seek help then surely you cannot entertain a lifetime, let alone starting a family, with him.

Thanks all I told him I refuse to have a baby with him until he gets therapy.

Yeah. I would be issuing an ultimatum and if he didn't get help, I'd move on. It's also a very unhealthy dynamic to bring children into.

Sounds draining with very little reward

Is his childhood making him fear having children and that is why he is going downhill? Why don't you get some counselling for yourself? You can't change him only yourself after all. Also demonstrate that is a useful and positive thing to get help.

If you want a family, he doesn't seem suitable at all

I would suggest start putting yourself first, instead of trying to fix someone else's issues

I would end this relationship

Relationships are supposed to be fun, caring, 2 way. This seems to be too much his way

@Choconut I don't think so, he has always wanted to be a father. Around 5 years ago I was on the fence about kids and after living together I grew to want a child. He has been deadset on having a family since I met him, so I'm not sure it's that. It's more his own body image preventing him from mentally being able to be intimate

@Choconut I will also add I have had years of therapy which he is aware of, for PTSD from my own childhood. I'm also medicated for my problems. He has seen how much therapy helped me, so I have no idea why he is apprehensive to do it himself. He has mentioned fear of getting worse before getting better and the fact he strongly believes therapists cannot change him.