Been an idiot with guy at work

[Pineappleskies]

Not long in a new job. A male colleague (single) and I (single) began to get to know each other, eg by having lunch together occassionally. We got on very well.

After 2 mo the of this, at an evening social event he repeatedly hugged me, bought me drinks, we talked for about 2 hours. He stroked my hair. No kissing.

The next Monday in the office he announced loudly he was seeing someone. News to me...we had often discussed our weekend and evening plans and he'd never mentioned this.

I stopped all banter, one on one conversations etc. Wouldn't make eye contact when he tried to get my attention with banter.

After several weeks I realised ignoring him was childish and that at the end of the day this wasn't a big deal. He's a good colleague and we again grew friendly. Lots of banter, in jokes. Nothing I would say is flirting and all in public. We obviously both joke with other colleagues too.

Repeat to another social event involving alcohol where he was flirting with me. He is still seeing the same woman.

I don't wish to be rude and ignore him, but it seems that any friendly behaviour is interpreted as him as me being open to flirting. I can see that the banter to him is perhaps gratifying (work in v make dominated industry so getting the token woman to laugh at your jokes is perhaps a mild ego boost on dull days).

Before I knew about the woman he was seeing, I was very interested in getting to know him better and enjoyed the attention. I saw lots of good qualities.

I'm not interested in flirting with an attached man! I think his behaviour on both evenings wasn't respectful to whoever he is seeing. I'm not saying I'm a Saint but I am single. It sounds simple to shut it down but because my pride has been hurt and I feel he's playing silly buggers, I don't seem able to handle this gracefully.

Can I flat out tell.him, I'm withdrawing from joking around...I know you don't mean anything by it, but I don't feel it's appropriate, and out of respect for your girlfriend.

I feel certain he will laugh at me, curl his lip and tell me it is all in his head...this is how he reacted when I challenged him after the first social event.

Just withdraw from the banter. If he asks why, say you don't feel it's appropriate for the work place.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it or a big speech. You would be seen as creating drama.

Thats a good point.

I don't think he will ask why. He knows damn well why. There are lots of other people to banter with (who are attached too, but don't cross any lines and don't read anything into the banter).

It's a shame in some ways, as he's a witty guy and I enjoy our interactions, but I feel these two social events were near misses and I don't want any repeats and think my behaviour at work will help prevent him getting drunk and crossing lines.

Can you just stick to chatting and hanging around with other colleagues during work socials etc.

Clearly he's just a flirt.

Just dial it down a bit. You don’t have to
blank him, just be friendly and relaxed but remain professional. If he flirts, just smile
vaguely and change the subject.

He is indeed just a flirt. It sounds so easy doesn't it to withdraw, but he's fairly skilled at starting a work related conversation, then introducing jokes then taking the topic off work...which I only seem bright enough to realise afterwards. It is so wearing having your guard up. And I don't think he would ever make a pass at me...but it just infuriates me a little this sense of entitlement he has.

I would not bother having a conversation with him about his relationship and flirting.
That will be drama and as you are the newbie it will go against you.
You can be professional when out too, just tone down the banter and actively engage with other work mates and shut down flirting with a polite but firm "never in a million years type comment". If he has a tendency to get drunk and flirt tell him its the booze and that you cant talk to him when he is drunk.

He's playing you. He likes the attention and the idea that you like him but isn't willing to offer you anything in return. The fact that you state that he would 'curl his lip' reveals that he is a contemptuous person. You have dodged a bullet. Don't tell him that you are going to stop bantering with him, just stop. Talk to him normally but no banter etc and stay away from him on work nights out.

Thanks @Caroffee and everyone. Although I am ok now, I was incredibly hurt and humiliated two months ago. Everyone had seen him all over me, and colleagues were shocked when he made his announcement about seeing someone.

I'm cross that in allowing bygones to bygones I've opened myself up.

As for why I couldn't do much about the flirting last week...it was a dinner with clients, so I had to laugh off his comments but they were humiliating in their intimacy (trying to get me to eat off his spoon, joking about me dressing as a slutty pumpkin at Halloween etc etc). It's all for the ego and kicks...he doesn't have the slightest interest in me or, sadly, probably enough in his girlfriend.

He actually sounds horrible because he enjoys trying to humiliate you. However, I feel it's more likely that he made himself look stupid and nasty in front of your colleagues. You have definitely dodged a bullet. He is disrespectful towards women. If he isn't like this with his gf now, he will be at some point because it's how he gets his kicks. If he behaves like that in front of clients again, report him to your line manager or HR.

I feel for you OP. I've been in a similar situation myself recently- guy at work flirting hard, leading me to believe he's interested, then going quiet. Dipping in and trying to be all flirty again when he wants an ego boost.
It sounds like this piece of work is the same- he wants an ego boost and he'll lead you down whatever path it takes to get it.
I know it's hard and it feels like shit, but just remind yourself how sad and pathetic that behaviour is, how insecure he must be.
I'm not saying it's easy, it's easy to get pulled back in to the 'banter', especially when you're trying to demonstrate you're unphased. But with men like that, the easiest way is to not give them the satisfaction in the first place.

@Pineappleskies fuck him! Play him at his own shitty sneaky game, if he does ask you just look at him quizzically & state that you’ve never been flirty or slightly interested, what is he talking about?
so rude that he did this to you, is he under 25 & not able to handle a basic conversation? Gaslighting you was not nice & even worse to start flirting with you again after. A decent chap would have said something along the lines of ‘I find you attractive & really enjoy our banter, under other circumstances I’d love to take you out but I have a girlfriend now & I appreciate I stepped over the line & blurred the boundaries of friendship with my behaviour’

Please be careful, it’s too easy when they muck you about & then you think it’s ‘safe’ banter when they have a girlfriend they’d never cheat on (they would) to think flirty banter is okay, but it’s quite easy to develop a confusing emotional attraction to the guy with his fuckboi tactics & all too easy to fall into bed with him after a lengthy text session, just once because where’s the harm. & I promise you, you will feel REALLY BAD about this.

massive well done for realising that in opening up you are at risk, that takes HUGE self awareness.

(coming from someone who could have written your post 20 years ago)

Awww @Confusedcactus sorry to hear you've had this particular game played on you, too. It's subtle, addictive yet so hurtful.

You put it really well...it was realising oh God I must seem bothered that I'm blanking him....that led me to be civil...then back into the banter.

He is pathetic. There is more I know (because he told me when drunk) of him and his behaviour to women and the worst is I feel in trying to have good relations, I've condoned it. I actually think that might be why he is always so keen to get my attention...it's an absolution.

Sadly he is idolised by the bosses for his skills, and in fairness other than me (because I'm the only single woman in the whole company) his failings don't really impact at work.

I'm really glad I posted here. It's really helped.

I will practice the blank, good natured smile I save for those I must be polite too, but nothing more!

@Bb16103 awesome post! And thanks for seeing the nuances of my feelings and being kind.

One day he baked a cake and brought it in and put it in my desk. I swear it was to see my confusion, uncertainty and embarrassment as to what this meant and how to behave.

We don't text. I even left the work group chat so he can't reach me that way.

I'm off on a solo holiday to Istanbul in 3 weeks...and I'm not carrying this with me. Thanks everyone. Youve been quite, quite superb.

Oh my god @Pineappleskies this is how they get you, the cheeky cake baking Twat, off you go loser boy with your scones. I hope you have a WONDERFUL time away.

i do have a lot of sympathy honestly, when I look back I think the mixture of butterflies & rejection & confusion really wore me down. It’s quite a powerful thing to do to someone, the constant offering & withdrawing of affection & all the while making you feel like they never meant it. The little shit doing this to you!
I can only hope that you come back from your holiday revived from his nonsense, and eventually become his boss & give him all the shite jobs until he can’t take it & leaves.

In all seriousness you sound lovely, you don’t deserve this. And every minute spent feeling uneasy over this clown is a minute that another, hotter, better & more suitable man isn’t getting on your radar. You really deserve so much better. Xx

So, so many hugs of thanks @Bb16103 xxx

The next Monday in the office he announced loudly he was seeing someone.

This is such a fucking weird thing to do?!

@wellhelloitsme he literally stood up while we were all at our desks and (you've made me laugh now) announced it!

Oh God at the time my heart broke!!

I try not now to plumb the depths of what is wrong with him. It's too much. But annoyingly I still have to contend somewhat.

It's so weird and self centred and attention seeking a thing to do!

Cringe, don't cry!

He sounds a total oddball. Clearly he feeds off thinking he has someone on the back foot. The things he did at the client dinner are inappropriate, I would be quite straight faced about these: 'I can use my own cutlery thanks Simon'.

Otherwise, back to civil conversation and neutral expressions, professional smile.to be polite, don't laugh along. Ignore jokes or repeat them back to him, in a final tone. hard to explain it exactly but I worked with a man who did this, it was a slightly odd power move on his part (I'm talking about harmless jokes here, not about slutty outfits). It ended up making you feel quite small, certainly didn't encourage banter. So, not quizzical, inviting an explanation or appearing that you don't get the joke, kind of acknowledging his attempt at humour but being totally unmoved by it.

He isn’t worth your time, I’d just ignore him and be civil when you have to. He would probably enjoy the drama by the sound of it if you give a big explanation.

Bless you X