Aibu to feel a bit short changed by DH’s attitude

[motherhen2014]

AIBU to find family holidays unbelievably stressful and they seem to highlight problems in my marriage….

So,I booked 13 nights in puglia for me, husband and boys, 8&11. I love travelling and we haven’t been able to do anything for almost 4 years, firstly due to my parents being poorly and then passing away, I cared for them and then covid hit so i have been extra excited to start living and appreciating life again.

so for this trip, I researched booked absolutely everything and yet DH still picked holes and complained (that the car in the car hire wasn’t right and the villa in the middle of nowhere)
When I politely suggest he might then take more of an interest in helping to research book and pay for holidays he simply says he doesn’t have any free time. He works full time and I work 3 long days a week and the other two consist of childcare/admin and housework. He thinks I have loads of ‘free time’ despite me arguing otherwise.
when we eventually get away he never seems to want to do anything - i wanted to explore and drive to nearby towns etc and he just doesn’t seem interested.
our boys are lovely but very lively and won’t sit and read and always want to be doing something. I fought not to take screens on holiday as I felt we all needed a digital detox- and I notice their behaviour improves when they’re not on them.
i feel exhausted already and sad that it’s like this (me wanting to explore as a family and he doesn’t seem fussed)
i feel like we are so incompatible in this area that it spells disaster for when we’re older and the kids have moved on, he won’t want to do anything at all!

i have tried talking to him calmly and explaining how important it is to me but he always goes on the defensive and it ends in a row. He always thinks he’s right and never apologises so no progress is ever made!

After losing my folks(and I have no other family left) I’m conscious not to waste whatever time I have left (I’m only 43) but equally maybe I’m overreacting that this is a deal breaker element to the marriage. Essentially I’m always up for compromise and meeting in the middle and his attitude is that it’s his way that overrules.

All comments welcome, do any of you really truly enjoy family breaks? Does your DH get on your tits? Or am I the problem?!

Just leave the miserable shit at home next time.

It sounds like he doesn't want to go.
Next time make his wish come true and have a great time without him.

Go without him!

We just had an enormous row because I said I wanted to take the kids out to the beach tomorrow (I offered to drive) he exploded and said ‘I’m exhausted, you just don’t get it do you,’ followed up with ‘we should holiday separately’. What’s the point in being a couple and doing a family holiday then?! It’s made me feel so upset, now cooking kids dinner - same shit, different location.

He doesn’t seem to be getting it more like, he can’t be arsed to make the effort and doesn’t seem enamoured with family life.
mid he under pressure at work? Could he change jobs?

Give him his wish and holiday without him. Your SC are approaching the age where going on holiday with them will be logistically easier. And start working on your list of places to visit solo once the DC are grown up. There is something amazing about discovering a new place at your own pace with no one to consider but yourself.

No, he doesn't want to do the work required to take children to the beach

If you went on your own you're just giving him what he wants

Just leave him, then he can have the kids for half the holidays

I could have written your post OP. When DS was younger we used to have holidays and days out without DH as he was so unbothered and unenthusiastic. However when DS reached teenage years and was no longer wanting to do so much with his mum I had a bit of a midlife crisis. I just couldn't imagine the years ahead (I was 44 when we split) with a partner who didn't want to do things with me and didn't even seem bothered about spending time with me unless it was for something he particularly wanted to do. He was a good man in so many ways but it was a dealbreaker for me and I left him (obviously it wasn't the only thing, it was death by a thousand cuts really). I now have a boyfriend who loves all the things I love and is full of enthusiasm to get out and do things and it makes such a difference to my happiness.

It was the hardest decision of my life to break up my son's home but we never actually did much as a family for him to miss, it was always just me and DS. Luckily he's been remarkably fine and has even commented that he prefers how things are now.

There's a lot to think about but you don't have to settle for how things are. My advice would be to talk to your DH about this as he might be willing to make more of an effort if he realises that this has you questioning your marriage. I also had a few sessions with a counsellor just to get straight in my own head what it was that I wanted and that was immensely helpful.

He's being an arse. Does he work weekends? I assume not so why don't you set aside time together at the weekend to plan your holiday. If he can't manage that then tell him not to come because you're not putting up with him moaning when you've had to plan it all. It sounds like he's very resentful that you 'only' work 3 days tbh.

I think that you may really need a separate holiday. He needs his peace, and you need your exploration. When people want different things, why force?maybe you will miss each other more after coming back your holidays. Sorry i dont mean to be as callous as this sounds. And you do seem incompatiable in the matter of holiday-making. I understand how it feels as im in a similat situation and i struggle everyday between leaving and compromising……

I often took our DC away alone. It was so nice not having to cajole someone into doing things...... we had much more fun without him.

He and I went for a break in March this year, I'd deliberately booked a cottage close to the coastal path for walking and all he wanted to do was eat, sleep and drink endless mugs of coffee. Never again.

He needs his peace

He's a parent. He shouldn't be depriving his kids of going to the beach on holiday because he 'needs his peace'. He sounds like a miserable, grumpy arse.

Its very difficult to see your situation in the round, as in, from all points of view, but also, very important that if what you have doesn't make you happy that you change it.

I'm on holiday with my DH, and 2 teen sons, 16 and 18. We have done many many holidays together, usually villa, beach type holidays. The friction and tension we have would be caused by DH exploding I felt unnecessarily at some thing our sons did, and over disciplining, or winding them up and wondering why they get upset. Or drinking too much and being a bit of a twat, or then being grumpy from a hangover. But these are things that also happen at home, and you take your bad bits away with you when you go on holiday, as well as the good bits.

The reason we are still together is that it all comes out in the wash. He is a good dad, and the boys adore him. If he's cross there is almost always good reason, and if he over remonstrates, he does apologise, and they make friends. My sons also apologise if they are in the wrong. I'm not perfect either, and I'm sure I annoy him just as much as he annoys me on occasion.

Overall, we laugh alot, we want to do the same things as a general rule and he is appreciative of all the work I do to organise and pay for holidays and I am appreciative of all the things he does for me and our family.

If you don't have that give and take, two way feeling, then that would be difficult to stomach I think, as family life is fucking hard and stressful at times and you have to ultimately feel like you are in it together.

So is he suggesting everyone stays at home all day because he's tired?

Dunno, if someone booked a holiday for me in the middle of nowhere and the need to drive everywhere I wouldn't be thrilled either. I'd have said so before you booked the holiday mind you.

Also my DH hates the beach. I cover that. He does other stuff with the kids. If he's bringing sod all to the table fair enough but I can't say I'd be fuming at the no beach thing.

I would suggest to him that he takes stock of his health, diet, mental health, work and sleep hygiene if he's been off work for a few days and is still "too tired" to parent his children.

Does your DH get on your tits? Or am I the problem?!

I know you said that your DH didn’t have any free time to choose (almost certainly untrue), but reading your post it is full if “I” like to…not “we” like to… it sounds a little bit like you have done all the reading and research on the holiday that you want to have and are disappointed that the rest of family maybe don’t?

He might like to have a bit of a rest. Working full time is more tiring than three days a week, as if your children are at school then you do have the free time, or at least some choice over how you spend that. I appreciate you are doing housework and childcare on your days off, but to a degree you set the pace for that.

I say this as someone who works full time and does all the house and life admin around that.

It sounds like compromise could be made on both sides.

Good points made by all of you - thank you- it’s so hard to encapsulate everything onto the OP, there’s a lot of sub plots too which I think complicates things.
we did have a chat this evening once the boys eventually went to sleep!
he’s super stressed about work (works on his Own startup that’s not going to well) and is therefore worried about money given the impending winter fuel issues etc. he finds it hard not to feel bad spending money and is worried - so being on holiday makes him anxious and therefore not want to go out and spend money.

I did empathise and see it from his pov, I think I’ve just been so desperate to live and experience new things after losing my parents that maybe I ignored his growing concerns.