Ex has a new girlfriend and it's killing me - any practical tips for moving on/surviving?

[tapestro]

I feel so pathetic writing this. I don't know if this is really the place to be posting (Mumsnet can be so brutal sometimes) but I don't have a proper support system and I'm really struggling. Any words of wisdom will be very gratefully received.

I will do a TLDR at the end as this is long but I feel like I need to get it out, even if nobody reads this post.

I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago. I had a miscarriage earlier in the year and the relationship unravelled after that. There wasn't really a proper breakup, we had a big argument, never reconciled and split without ever saying "let's break up". I admit that I went too far with some of the things I said to him and I regret that. I also regret not reaching out and just letting things fall apart like I did.

The first few weeks were unbearable but I have been feeling better recently. I still think about him a lot but he doesn't consume my life anymore. I was starting to reach the point where I was only upset when I was alone, generally late at night.

However, I've just seen he's got a new girlfriend. I managed to avoid looking him up on social media until now, but stupidly got curious and of course I look at this profile the week that they're on a romantic holiday. She's gorgeous. She's also everything I was insecure about - she's tall, tanned, thin, has that 'exotic' look that I know was his type. She's the complete opposite of me and, to be honest, an upgrade.

I hate that he bounced back while I'm still crying myself to sleep (not every night, but definitely some).

I know it's stupid but I always thought I would reach out to him one day. Not with the intention of getting back together, but just to apologise for how things ended (we were both so angry at the time and I never said sorry). We were such a big part of each others lives for so long and I want to give him that at least. I wouldn't have any expectations from this and if he ignores/shouts at me, that's fine. I'd be doing it for myself.

I know deep down that I will get over this. I also know that realistically, he is not the right guy for me. I still think he's a great person - I don't hate him for what happened between us and I don't want to hate him.

But it hurts so damn much. If I did hate him, maybe it would be easier.

I don't want to date right now. I'm trying to work on improving myself - finding new hobbies, doing well at work, getting fitter, making new friends, the usual. It's just so hard to do these things when I feel so awful.

Does anyone have any advice? I know what I need to do but I can't seem to do it when I just want to let myself wallow. I know I will be fine so I'm looking for more practical tips about how best to get through this time. Stuff like 'set a timer, let yourself cry for 20 minutes, but then go do something else' (although that never worked for me).

Thank you all xx

TLDR: broke up with ex 4 months ago and was slowly getting over it until I saw that he's now dating someone new. She's perfect and I feel like shit. I know deep down that I will be okay but I can't see a path through the next couple of months. Any practical tips would be very gratefully received

I would say it's very early days still. You don't say how long you were with your ex but four months after is not long at all, plus you are still recovering from the miscarriage. Be kind to yourself, take it a day at a time. He may have bounced back more easily because - brutally - he may be more shallow than you are.

You are doing very well. If you have some days when you're able to go out, enjoy your new hobbies, make new friends, then if there are other days when you just curl up that's part of your recovery too.

My only piece of advice is - whatever you do, don't try to get back with your ex or communicate with him. Let him wander off. He is not right for you and there is someone far better out there, who you will find when you are ready. Whatever happens you will get there in the end but more time you spend on your ex the longer it will take.

was slowly getting over it until I saw that he's now dating someone new

You seem to think that feeling so bad about this means you've stopped getting over it. It's part of the process.

Have a think about why her looks are such a part of your feelings. Why her looks mean to you that she's perfect. She's just another human. Why do his feelings about another human make any difference to who and what you are?

Thank you both, I really appreciate the responses.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay you are right, it's still early. I'm probably putting too much pressure on myself to bounce back. We were together for around 2 years, not the longest time I know but long enough for it to hurt still. The pregnancy was unplanned but very much wanted after we found out.

I know I shouldn't contact him and I don't think I ever will. I say I want to but it's always a case of "one day I will" and that day never occurs. Part of me wants to reach out to him and apologise for what happened, as kind of final closure for myself. Not for his benefit and not with the expectation of any response, but to do it for me. I just hate the way it ended without an ending, if that makes any sense? I know that's a terrible idea though.

I'm realising now that I don't miss him specifically. I miss the routine and, to be honest, the attention and feeling of being loved. I don't want to get back on the dating scene yet but one day I will and I'm sure I'll meet someone far better. Just got to keep going until that day comes :)

I miss the routine and, to be honest, the attention and feeling of being loved

Before you start dating, sort this out. Give yourself the attention. Make yourself feel loved. What do you do regularly that makes you feel nurtured? What do you do that makes you feel passionate? Fulfilled? Prioritised?

Do it for yourself. Then, when you look for a relationship, you won't be looking for things in your partner that will ultimately wreck you like you are now. What feels like it's missing now is a lesson in what you need to do for yourself in the future.

That's a perspective I hadn't thought about. I was always thinking of feeling bad as a regression but you're right, it's all part of the process.

I know it's my own insecurity that's driving the feeling that she's perfect and I'm not. I knew I was never his normal type and, while I don't really buy into the types thing based solely off looks, I guess the fact that she is, is making me feel like I was never good enough. Like duh, why would he ever choose to stay with me.

But that's just the insecurity talking. I keep reminding myself that I'm not ugly by any matter (not drop dead gorgeous either but I'm okay) and regardless of what I look like, I have a lot of other things going for me.

That's exactly why I don't want to rush into dating. I want to give myself time to re-learn who I am as a person, without him. I never want to put myself in a position of being with someone just for the sake of not being alone. I usually have very high standards and will happily cut people out of my life if I need to, but loneliness/sadness warps things.

I know I'll get there at some point. I've always been really independent so this whole feeling is quite strange to me, but I'll get over it.

I think also remembering that his opinion isn't 'the respected view of an expert' might help. He's just a bloke. Even if he thought you were tragically awful, many others may find you beautiful.

Don't give him the authority to be the judge of you.

You are so right. I'm putting him on a pedestal when in reality, he's a nice guy but he's got a whole load of his own flaws. I have a lot of things going for me, I'm just very critical of myself.

I keep telling myself that this is short term pain only and I will be better off in the longer term. Although it hurts now, I'd rather it be like this than for me to rush back into dating / beg him to get back together / do whatever other stupid thing I could think of. It sounds cringey but I owe it to my future self to do better than that.

I'm rambling now but I had a fairly busy day today and I barely thought about him at all. I think the issue is just general loneliness / lack of purpose (I live alone, don't have many local friends, work has been very very quiet recently, I've spent lots of time doing nothing) that is masquerading as heartbreak. I have fairly bad anxiety so new places and new people are quite stressful for me, but I'm going to make myself take up some new hobbies, get more involved in the community and so on.

The new “liberated” woman. Expect to be dropped like a used sweet packet. And expected to get over it in a second.

You will get over it, given time of course.

But most importantly, remember your heart and soul and body are worth SO much more OP.

xx

If you were right for each other one argument would not have been the end. Even if unforgivable words were said, one or both would have at least tried to reach out.
Try to see the end of a relationship that wasn't right for you as giving you the freedom to find one that is.

I’ll disagree with a few posters here. I think part of the hurt you are feeling is because you didn’t have a proper closure.
I think what you say you’d like to tell him one day is something you do need to tell him - for me personally it’d help to move on.
I’d find it therapeutic telling him your perspective and that you don’t regret the relationship, etc.
Now that it’s so raw may not be the best time. But I’d possibly write it down now.
You can later decide to send it or not.
Or - depending on how you feel - and if you are definitely not hoping to get back together - I’d send it now. What exactly will you lose? Only get it off your chest.

I always find a lack of closure harder to deal with than some sort of good bye.

Very risky.
If I had split up from someone who had said very hurtful things to me, and had only been moved to reach out to apologise and get closure at the very point I'd moved on and started a new relationship, I'd be very annoyed, and suspicious of their motives.
If the OPs ex feels similarly he could respond in a way that is even more hurtful to the OP.
Writing it down could be helpful, sending it could do more harm than good.

Closure isn't something you get from the other person, op. It's something you give yourself, by realising that you don't need anything at all from the other person.

I don't think I will end up reaching out to him at all. I'm going to write down everything I want to say to him as I think that would help me process things. But it's very doubtful I'll ever send it.

I don't want anything more from him. If I ever did apologise, it would be for my own peace of mind and because I think it's the right thing to do, not because I'm looking for forgiveness or reconciliation.

I know I hurt him with what I said, but he hurt me equally as much. He also said some awful things in that argument. I keep focusing on what I did but I have every right to be as hurt as he was, or even more so.