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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Saw rapist with his wife

7 replies

fringfring · 22/08/2022 11:48

NC for this as I want to be anonymous.

When I was 16 I was in a relationship with an older man. I was very vulnerable and wasn’t actually attracted to him, and in hindsight I can see he groomed me. He worked in a position of power and authority so I naively trusted him. Over the course of three years he raped me on a regular basis and was emotionally and financially abusive. I managed to get out of the relationship but it left me traumatised.

Years later I reported it to the police and an investigation began. I found out that he had since left his job, moved out of the area and got married. Another of his ex girlfriends came forward to report that he had also been very abusive to her. Despite this, unfortunately it was deemed there was not enough evidence to prosecute.

I recently saw this man out and about with his wife, I don’t think they saw me. I hadn’t thought about him for a long time but seeing him brought back a lot of horrible memories. Out of morbid curiosity I googled him and found their social media. They appear to have moved back here. They seem very happy and have a nice life.

I can’t understand how someone could stay with a man who was accused of abusing not one, but two women. She is educated and works in a caring profession. Is it possible he has never been abusive to her? I just can’t get my head around this. I’m also worried I’ll see them again.

OP posts:
fringfring · 22/08/2022 20:16

Bump

OP posts:
beststepforward · 22/08/2022 20:55

So sorry to hear of you horrid experience op.

Would she know he was accused of abusing two people?

I would say a leapard can't change its spots unless they've maybe had a lot of intensive therapy etc and things aren't always what they seem 💐

category12 · 22/08/2022 21:27

I do think some predatory men compartmentalise, and select specific victims. It helps to camouflage their behaviour if there are people around them that can swear up and down he'd never do that. It may be that he is capable of hiding this side of himself from his wife.

Or it may be that she is being abused but hiding it.

Username2108 · 22/08/2022 21:33

First of all, don't believe everything you see on social media. People only post the best parts. If they're in a toxic relationship, it's rare you'll snippets of that side splashed online.

Secondly, if nothing ever came of the reports then I'd say there's a good chance she isn't aware.

This must be so hard for you, especially having him live so close again. I really feel for you.

fringfring · 22/08/2022 21:51

Thank you.

Secondly, if nothing ever came of the reports then I'd say there's a good chance she isn't aware.

The police spoke to her. The investigation lasted almost a year. I’m pretty sure she would have been aware there were two women involved.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/08/2022 21:53

It's not uncommon for wives/girlfriends to stand by their blokes after an accusation, even a conviction. I don't understand it myself.

beststepforward · 24/08/2022 19:28

Hope you are ok OP x

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