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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He planted the seed

20 replies

hoffmant · 22/08/2022 11:40

My friend (Tom) has told me he feels we are growing a connection but he wants to take things slow. Now, I know he still carries emotional baggage from previous relationships so I don't want to be a rebound.

I agree there is a connection there. He doesn't know I am talking to other men and going on a date tomorrow. None of this is his business as I won't put my life on hold for a man.

We went out with some friends on Saturday. There is another guy (Neil) there who likes me too and was jealous I was talking to Tom. Yesterday Tom rang me as he loves psychology and was psycho analysing Neil's behaviour. Tom and Neil are both jealous of each other as they both possess great traits.

The problem is last night I have dreamt about Neil, I think this is because I find him attractive too but I know he wouldn't put time limits on things. Neil has messaged me saying he looks forward to seeing me out again and that he will always be going out.

I find it odd that Tom would plant a seed like that knowing full well that they both don't like each other and he has competition now.

Tom also told me how a woman was rubbing his arms and kept saying how nice he was. He said he wasn't interested in her. I thought I saw that happen but I tried not to look as I don't want to come across as controlling. It's as though Tom is trying to make me jealous saying he is desirable too as he knows Neil wants me.

OP posts:
MummaB22 · 22/08/2022 11:49

I'd ditch Tom. Sounds like a walking red flag. Enjoy being single and dating and see how things go with Neil! X

KangarooKenny · 22/08/2022 11:51

I agree, give Tom the elbow.

Mysticguru · 22/08/2022 13:03

They've both got jealous traits. Red flag IMO

Dump both

Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 13:06

Stay away from jealousy. Otherwise you're simply inviting drama into your life, willingly. Do you want to do that? I sense from your post that you like a bit of drama?

Palmfrond · 22/08/2022 13:49

She was rubbing his arms and saying how nice he was? Why does this never happen to me?

hoffmant · 22/08/2022 14:36

Mysticguru · 22/08/2022 13:03

They've both got jealous traits. Red flag IMO

Dump both

It's not good them being jealous when all I am doing is having a conversation with another person.

OP posts:
hoffmant · 22/08/2022 14:38

Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 13:06

Stay away from jealousy. Otherwise you're simply inviting drama into your life, willingly. Do you want to do that? I sense from your post that you like a bit of drama?

I like the attention but these guys spell drama and would probably be very controlling in a relationship which is not good.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/08/2022 14:43

They both sound like total knobs.

Enjoy your date and don't give either a second thought.

Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 14:45

these guys spell drama

Why are you considering either, OP? Why isn't your instinct to reject them both on the strength of this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2022 14:51

You're just a prize in some weird game they're playing. Don't be that voluntarily.

hoffmant · 22/08/2022 17:45

It does seem a childish game. Today Neil has asked me to join him camping with some mutual friends.

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 22/08/2022 17:47

What did Neil do wrong?

hoffmant · 22/08/2022 17:54

Thereisnolight · 22/08/2022 17:47

What did Neil do wrong?

He was jealous I was talking to Tom but at least he is being proactive inviting me out than putting things on hold.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 17:57

Why are you engaging with even thinking about them? You've said you know they're 'drama'. How do you envisage this playing out? A happy relationship with one of them? Or a bunch of chaos that'll wind you up?

Almondsandraisins · 22/08/2022 17:57

Toss them both back and find someone who is interested in you for you instead of as a prize in some weird willy waving competition

MrsWooster · 22/08/2022 17:57

Use your words.
Tell them you feel like you’re some kind of ‘prize’ to be fought over in a weird interaction between them. Tell them you are an autonomous person who doesn’t get off on being fought over. Unless you do…

LadyCatStark · 22/08/2022 18:00

Just pick one… or none…

isleofpi · 22/08/2022 18:26

Have you actually been on a proper date with either of them though? You say you know both of them "want" you, but have they actually said anything explicit or asked you out?

Neither seem to have shown any real "jealousy" to be honest. It all seems a bit over dramatic!

ThirtyThreeTrees · 22/08/2022 18:28

It's tough being a teenager and these boys will mature when they leave school!

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I couldn't be dealing with the juvenile behaviour at all. Option C has to be better than either of these two.

OldFan · 24/08/2022 00:37

@hoffmant It sounds like you may feel empty and lonely inside, so you're trying to fill that hole with constant male attention/drama.

Learn to like your own company instead, so any man action is just an added extra rather than the main storyline.

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