Controlling MIL - Options

[Lunar270]

Hi. My MIL has always been a nightmare and is very controlling. FIL is ultra passive and completed dominated by my MIL who controls what he eats, drinks, wears, holidays, whether he can drive, go out etc. She's constantly on at him telling him how useless he is at everything. I'm amazed he's been married this long. He's now in his 80's.

My wife hates her but loves her dad, who she says has never once even shouted, let alone lifted a finger. A real gentle man who's been a great dad.

Trouble is, MIL has been going on that he suffers from Alzheimer's (last year or so) and has started saying that she's his carer to friends/family. Other that it being total cringe, is really upsetting for my wife as MIL is treating him more like a child (even more than previously).

My wife is at the end of her tether as she gets messages every week about how bad her dad is and what antics he's allegedly been up to (getting lost, up at night to do xyz) and how traumatic it is for her.

My daughter works as a carer with Alzheimer's residents and doesn't see it when they come round. None of us do but appreciate we're not with him 24/7. MIL is a massive drama ### so part of us think she's reached new levels of behaviour but are also worried about FIL. My daughter has advised that MIL take him to the doctor's to get diagnosed as there is treatment that can slow down the effects. MIL is adamant that she doesn't want to see any doctors at all for reasons she won't explain.

Is there anything we can do to protect FIL or to get him diagnosed? He would never go behind MIL's back as his life wouldn't be worth living and getting him on his own would be impossible. Yet she's shouting at him daily and making his life a misery.

Any advice appreciated.

Do you know who their GP is?. Its possible FIL does not have Alzheimers and the fact too his wife is adament about he not seeing any doctors would have further alarm bells ringing re her ongoing abuse of him. Whose interests is she serving here?. Her own really and she has done this throughout her life with him.

You could request a needs assessment from the council but she may not let these people into their home. Other than this you can only protect your own selves.

Your FIL has got what he has wanted out of the relationship he has with his wife and has stayed with her for his own reasons. Women like MIL cannot do relationships at all and always need someone to help them. He has been her willing enabler in their dysfunctional relationship.

What are your wife's boundaries like here re her mother in particular?. She needs to stop letting herself be used here as some sort of audience/sounding board to her dysfunctional and abusive mother.

Many thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat. Much appreciated.

We do know his GP and did wonder if it's possible to speak to them and raise our concerns. I've no idea if they'd do anything but given she controls everything, will put a stop to anything she doesn't like.

I think the needs assessment would cause a massive blow up so don't think that's an option but thanks for the pointer.

Re my wife, she would gladly ditch her mum but sticks with it as she'd never see her dad again and she can't face that. Trouble is, MIL has even taken his mobile phone from him as she didn't like my wife having chats with him. Everything has to go through her.

I've told her to just answer all barrages on WhatsApp with, "have you taken him to the GP yet?" as this seems to keep her quiet for a bit.

It’s really important he sees the GP to exclude other treatable causes of memory loss and to get assistance if he does have Alzheimer’s.

It might be the nuclear option but raising an adult protection cause for concern with social work if he is being denied access to medical treatment.

I think you ad your wife would seriously need to bite the bullet here and contact the GP or SS to do an assessment on your FIL. There are times in life when it needs someone to be unpopular and this sadly is one of them. There are safe guarding issues at play and major control issues which need addressing.Why would you let your FIL flounder if infact he does need medical help to ensure he can live as fulfilling a life as he is surely entitled to live? Mil sounds certifiable i my view, Step in and get the support FIL possibly will need going forward, I think with no diagnosis this will absolutely be necessary. From the post what if this is just another gae MI is playing? If it is then she is dangerous in my view, MIL sounds a bully and you need to stand up and do whats right,Why are you all so scared of her? Its bizarre no one is asking questions .

Rather then rely on mil, Is it possible for your wife to make an appointment and take along her father and possibly mother too? I did this with my father having spoken to the doctor in advance as my mother was in denial. They did a memory test then a referral and the process to diagnosis started. Being open about it was hard but helped everyone in the end.

The gp should listen to your concerns but will be unable to share any medical info with you. Can you suggest that he contacts fil (and mil) to ask for a “routine” appointment /medication review and take it from there.
Is it possible she is the one with the issues ? Or could be be depressed ?
Also your Social Services will have a vulnerable adults team who may be able to step in if you feel he is being abused by her.

Thanks @creamwitheverything

I think the issue is that my wife and BIL have been raised under a oppressive regime and this has a psychological effect on their behaviour as adults.

BIL refuses to talk about it and is a bit of an ostrich. My wife doesn't feel like she is empowered enough to make the unpopular and forceful decision for dear of falling out with everyone.

But I totally agree with you. I tried to talk about it this morning but she was too tired to discuss it (translate, she wasn't interested in discussing it). I think I can slowly chip away at her in hope that she does something but I don't want to call the doctor myself as it would likely cause a rift with my wife. I'm not even sure they would talk to me as the SIL.

I have experience of a similar situation. Its very sad, but its likely (although unpalatable) that after so many years of marriage that FIL would hate to be away from his wife as he is likely in a codependent type of relationship and would be hopelessly lonely without her. It sounds like, MIL is emotionally abusive, but there is unlikely anything that can stop that unless you split them up, and that might not be in FILs best interest from a global perspective. What is possible is to engage as much as possible with the both of them and grit your teeth around MIL and give FIL as much love and positive feedback as you can when he is with you. Try and get FIL on his own for 5 mins here and there by asking MIL for help with something out of the room while your DW stays with FIL (or vica versa). I would also be suggesting that MIL and FIL set up durable POA for health and finances and see if you can persuade them to designate your DW, as the best advice is to drop a generation when choosing someone to act and definitely not to use a spouse when you are older (in particular) as the chances of them both being in an accident together and then unable to act for each other is very high. Once DW has POA, if FIL does start to have competency issues, she can step in to act on his behalf legally.

Is it possible she is the one with the issues ? Or could be be depressed ?

This is exactly what I think. MIL has some serious issues and I think she's depressed but refuses to do anything. As a couple it's infuriating as they're retired but don't do anything. They have money and good pensions but never go out and are just rotting away. MIL has always been on the edge but is worse now by a long way.

My wife has suggested that she go to the doctor after one of their WhatsApp tirades but the answer was, "not doing that as they'll just give me pills". Zero reasoning or discussion. Exactly the same brick wall as suggesting that she take FIL to be assessed.