How to deal with BIL doing this to DS

[changed4thistoday]

Been here for a while but name changed specifically for this post as it is sensitive.

Yesterday I went for a family dinner at my sister's house. There were quite a few of us there, all female except for bil. When we finished eating, we all went to the kitchen to clean up and ds1 (5yrs old) and ds2 (3yrs old) stayed in the lounge with bil. Next thing I know, ds2 comes to the kitchen with a sweet in his mouth and says "uncle X said if I smack your bum I will give you a sweet." Ds said this in front of everyone. I was shocked and so was everyone. No one said anything. I then heard ds1 crying so I went to check why he was crying and he said it was because "uncle x hurt my hand". Bil rolled his yes and said "yes yes ds1, I hurt your hand but I didn't mean to."

I just sat down and cuddled ds1 to get him to calm down a bit. As I was trying to comfort ds, I said something along the lines of it being an accident to which ds said, "no it wasn't an accident. Uncle x squeezed my hand." Bil didn't respond to this accusation. At this point I was so shocked I couldn't even think straight so I just picked up my kids and said let's go home.

I'm so upset by this and don't even know how to deal with it. My sister and I are very close so obviously want to maintain that relationship but at the same time I can't let what her husband did go.

Just to clarify, dsis and bil have been married over 15th are and nothing like this has ever happened before so I didn't have any reason to think that me going to the kitchen for 10 minutes would potentially cause this to happen.

Ask your bil what happened, and make it clear to him that you will never leave your child alone with him again. And don't.

The asking bit is to try to get him to face up to what he did tbh. His response wouldn't change what I did next.

I would keep your children and yourself well away from him from now on. It is unlikely you will ever get the full truth out of him as to what happened. My guess is that your sister will likely side with him and fully accept his version of events.

So your BIL deliberately hurt your children for fun/because they irritated him/reasons unknown with you all in the other room.
What others have said but I'd also be very concerned my sister was a DV victim

Agree with @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams - two small children were alone with your BIL for 10-15 minutes and he found ways to touch both of them? And hurt them? This sounds incredibly creepy. Your BIL sounds sick. I agree your sister may also be in danger from this man. He sounds abusive.

Thank you all for your responses. I will definitely go and speak to him after work this evening

I had never thought about my sister being a victim of DV. I will keep an eye. Not sure if she will tell me if I asked

If nothing has happened in 15 years I would tread carefully before accusing anyone of anything. Speak to both of them and gauge their reactions. Did your sister not say anything to all of this that happened? That's very odd.

She didn't at the time. I asked her later and she just sort of minimised it and made it sound like it's nothing. I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest

Do your sister and BIL have their own children?

Has he been left alone with them before?

It's impossible to 'accidently' squeeze a hand and you don't ever smack a child on the bum and then give them a sweet.

Your BIL is a liar with a very dark side.

Don't ever leave them alone with him again.

This happened yesterday. How did your sister and her H respond when you stated you were going home?.

re your comment:
"I will definitely go and speak to him after work this evening"

Why would you have waited until now to further speak to him?.

I would think long and hard about doing that mainly because you've now given him more time to concoct a defence of his actions. He will minimise further (he's already done this) and only tell you what he can get away with. You will not get the truth from him. Am not all that surprised by your sister's response either; its not unknown for family members to side with the abuser.

Neither are emotionally safe enough to be around and they cannot be trusted. Abusive people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world; they certainly do not walk around with abuser written on their foreheads.

How awful! Your poor little babies, I would have wanted to do the same back to him, the sleazy, creepy sick bully😡
I hope you get to the bottom of this today OP, but I do expect the pair of them to minimise it.
I would be thinking I would go NC with him and they would never be in a situation where this could happen again.
I would also make it widely known throughout any more family/friends who weren't present.
I hope they don't have children of their own?

What you’ve described is how child abuse starts. Had BIL have “got away with it” it would escalate. Over time. Little by little.

Trust your instincts. Trust your children. Stand your ground.

Even if he apologised, would you trust him with them ever again? And there is no explanation he could give to validate his behaviour.

I would have gone in there and attacked him with a readily available blunt object for hurting my kid. And anyone who tried to stop me would get some too. But I admit I have a horrible temper and no problem with violence against men who hurt children or women. That is my trigger to go SMOOTH TF OFF. THen I would call the police and charge him with child abuse. Your sole job as a mom is to protect your children. Family and family friends, mom's boyfriends and stepfathers are the top abusers of children because mothers trust those men and don't suspect them. My thought on that subject is no one is past suspicion, even the birth father.

I'd tell him and his wife that my children will not be around either of them ever again for at least 15 years. They are not allowed in my home and I will not come to any events where they are in attendance. Your children are very small and defenseless. When you can get them in kung fu or something and they achieve a few belts, THEN you can let them be around your kids so they can defend themselves. Do not tell anyone in your family that you have your children in martial arts classes either. Let it be a surprise so if uncle tries anything else and is kicked across the room, he will find out then.

I went back to desk to him and of course he minimised the whole thing as expected. He apologised for squeezing ds's arm and said it was a game. I did make it clear that I do not take things like that lightly and whatever happened or didn't happen must never happen again.

To the posters asking, yes they do have 2 dc of their own who are early teens

To speak*
Not sure where the 'desk' came from!

Sounds like he's a paedo @changed4thistoday . 'Let me smack your bum and I'll give you a sweet.' And then enjoying causing your other DS pain.

Wow. No you can never leave him with them alone for a moment again.

Keep yourself and your children away from him it sounds very creepy,
The smack your bum, I will give you a sweetie made me feel sick

I would not let him near my children again. X