@T1Dmama I have heard it recommended many times that when people leave a narcissistic relationship they should cut all contact, change their phone number etc. But I don’t think that I’d be doing myself any favours doing that at this point in time. I want to minimise contact, for sure, because it is emotionally difficult for me to talk to him about the relationship and I end up feeling guilty and my resolve is challenged... But there is still a process of separation to go through and I still need to have contact with him in this regard, in relation to things like making decisions about the house sale (which is currently under way), getting access to the house so I can sort out my belongings, sharing custody of the dog, and also, soon, a couples counselling session, which I have agreed to try... even if it only serves to help us break up in a calm, amicable way.
He is manipulative and can be petulant, needy and self-centred, but he’s not a malicious/dangerous narc like some I’ve seen/heard about. My friend’s ex, for example, would physically push her around, threatened to destroy her career, he would put her down, insult and belittle her ceaselessly, would not let her sleep, would only buy her birthday and Christmas presents of sexy things he wanted her to wear for him, he hacked into her computer and put spyware on it, wrote letters to her (male) friends’ girlfriends saying she was having an affair with them... And when she finally left him, he stole almost all her friends and used them as flying monkeys. He actually ended up in prison (for something unrelated (embezzlement from the council)). He was pure evil.
My husband doesn’t even come close to that. These days, he is thoughtful and supportive and cheerful most of the time, the problem is that in the past he has hardly ever there for me emotionally when I’ve needed him, and he still has a tendency to make everything about him, hardly ever takes responsibility for problems in the relationship, will gaslight me, be dramatic about/exaggerate things, demand adulation and respond to even the slightest tiny criticism as though I’ve dropped an H-bomb, so I am walking on eggshells all the time and not voicing my needs. Still toxic, still exhausting, still a good reason to leave… but he’s not at the level of my friend’s ex.
It remains to be seen of course whether he could turn nasty… I don’t think he will, I think he might be difficult and put obstacles in the way, but I don’t think he would do the kind of evil stuff my friend’s ex did. But I’m being cautious nonetheless. At the moment he is being reasonably respectful of my need for space and time, a little pushy and manipulative at times, like, making it obvious that he’s suffering and trying to get my attention… but he’s not up in my face all the time or making threats or draining the bank account or anything of that nature.
The way I see it is, I want to extricate myself as gently as possible, not burn any bridges right now, explore whether there is any hope for us, if only so we can know we did absolutely everything to try and make it work, and so not always be wondering ‘what if’. And if we can’t make it work (which I suspect will be the case as I don’t think people really change), to see if we can split as amicably as possible without there being any horrific fights over money, custody of the dog etc.
I’m having to be the manipulative one now, which doesn’t come naturally to me, and is another thing making me feel guilty… but I feel it’s necessary at this point in time.
I may be wishful thinking… perhaps it would be better if I just get called him out on his abusive behaviour and let him react to it, perhaps that would actually push things in the right direction for me and bring more clarity to the situation. But I don’t think I’m ready to risk the bridge being irreparably burnt, not at the point where I feel I still need him “on side”.