My DM cannot apologise

[incognitopurple]

I want to start by saying I have had a really privileged upbringing and everything I wanted and needed as a child, and more. Always been close to my mother and constantly thanking her and feeling grateful for all the small things she did.

Reason for the thread is I don’t know if our adult interactions are typical. I was left feeling embarrassed about savings the other day, as she was telling me that me and OH have more disposable income than she and my father do so she cannot fathom why we haven’t saved better (I doubt this to be true as they have a much bigger house in a very affluent area and drive brand new cars). She was asking how much each bill costs and announcing we shouldn’t be spending more than XYZ amount on food shopping. I originally phoned her as I was feeling sad, we’re saving for a mortgage whilst currently renting and slowly our estate is getting worse with police down the road often and similar. I had just hoped for a bit of empathy or even a distraction, a sounding board, whatever. Not a grilling. What is the point in comparing my situation? This only happened a couple of days ago over phone and nonetheless I’ve texted maybe once or twice over the weekend. I woke up to a message this morning ‘really hope you’re ok, you’ve not been speaking to me, I know you didn’t like what I said the other day, is that the reason?’

1. what else could be the reason, and 2) what an odd way to say things! I would start a message like that with, I can see I upset you and I didn’t mean to, or understand we didn’t see eye to eye. Etc. 3) I have been speaking to her!

I’ve noticed some less than savoury traits in my sister too but my mother will defend them to the hilt saying poor mental health is the reason etc, and very much believes I have not been there for her and am ‘pushing my family away’. I am not, at all, it bewilders me as to why this gets said. I regularly contact my dad and my extended family although theyre obviously busy with their own lives too

Shes a brilliant mum who cares very much about others and me, but just does not apologise in situations where I explain she has upset me, or in any way take any form of accountability or show simple understanding. I understand she might not have meant to but it’s not the best thing for my self esteem when it gets attributing to my nature of misinterpreting things, or not liking what I hear and therefore picking an argument. Always been told I am way too sensitive - being frank, am I?

I too have a mother incapable of apologizing and it is hurtful. Over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that she equates apologising with admitting being ‘wrong’ , which she never feels she is. I’ve tried to explain that I don’t need her to accept my point of view but I would appreciate her apologizing for upsetting me- but she refuses to do so. We no longer have a close relationship as over the years it’s got to me more and more so we are polite but not much more, which is sad. I don’t think it’s a sign of me being too sensitive- I have a right to be treated with kindness by loved ones- and you do too.

@mummywithtwokidsplusdog I think it’s a really similar situation then, thank you for taking the time to reply.

My mum has said and done a number of hurtful things to me over the years and never apologised for any of it. She is completely unable to put herself in anyone else's shoes or perspective take, she actually thinks she has never been in the wrong and everything is the other person's fault. We have a very surface level relationship now which makes me very sad, but she won't change and I will no longer put up with the way she treats me.

I was expecting something different from the title of the OP. But in all honesty, I can't see anything wrong with her message. She's asking if the discussion upset you. If you say that it did and explain why, that is the point at which one might expect an apology. But in the message she's simply trying to establish if it's the discussion that has led to your silence.

My mum can't actually articulate the words sorry or thank you, I swear. I've never heard her say either.
But this message isn't one I'd pick out as an example of that.

A lot of mothers will never apologise to their daughter. They might be a people pleasing doormat to all and sundry but they will not apologise to their daughter

I would give her space even though she's fishing for you to just forget that she was inconsiderate in the way she spoke to you.