Texting in early dating

[Brightstar29]

Opinions, how frequent should texting be in early dating after you’ve met up a few times? I know everyone will be different with this.

Im in the early stages with someone I like and have slept together etc. But his texting style is a little inconsistent, sometimes I can go nearly a whole day without a message and other times there is quick responses. He’s not married and there’s nothing to suggest anyone else on the scene he has been pretty open with me. When I do get messages from him they tend to me longish messages asking me about my day and telling me about his etc. He has also told me he is not always that good with his phone.

I know that this is probably just his style but it does sometimes trigger my anxious attachment style. I think the problem is in the past I’ve been love bombed by idiots at this stage which has probably screwed my idea of what’s normal. I’ve taken time out and done some healing since but I think my anxious attachment will always be there to some degree.

To add as well I’m 29 (nearly 30) he’s 34, both work full time and no dc. He’s been divorced for over 2 years after 14 years together and she was his first proper relationship and I think I’m the only person he’s started dating properly since then. And I’m aware things are very different with modern dating to what he’s probably used to, whereas I’ve been single on and off over the years so I’ve got a bit more experience with it.

bump

If he's triggering your anxious attachment style, you walk away. That's how to cure an anxious attachment style.

There's no 'should' about how often people contact each other. Some people would be happy with once a month. Some once a week. Some once an hour. The trick is to find people with a similar feeling and behaviour patterns to you, so that you don't get triggered, rather than finding people who trigger you and trying to find ways to surpress your trigger, like finding out on a forum that he's 'normal'.

Walking away from people and situations that don't make you feel good, and bonding well with people who do make you feel good is a secure attachment style. It's not about 'dealing better with your triggers', it's about taking responsibility for not putting yourself into triggering situations.

I know that this is probably just his style but it does sometimes trigger my anxious attachment style

What you're saying here is 'his style triggers me'

I think the problem is in the past I’ve been love bombed by idiots at this stage which has probably screwed my idea of what’s normal

What you're saying here is that you're faulty.

I’ve taken time out and done some healing since but I think my anxious attachment will always be there to some degree

What you're saying here is you'll always be faulty.

Let go of the belief that you're faulty. You're not. You've had experiences that have altered where you naturally put your boundaries, because, like the rest of us, you don't want to get burned over and over by the same fire.

You will feel good with a compatible partner, so, if you don't feel good, you're not compatible. No blame, no fault, no idiots from the past screwing you up, no dating history to consider. Just keep dating until you find someone you don't feel like posting on a forum about. Someone where all you have to say is 'God, he's lovely.'

I would just say go by how he is in person - some people prefer to save all the chat for then rather than messages (myself included). Plus I’m definitely not on my phone as much as I was when I was younger!

how many dates have you been on? Perhaps you can mention you’re someone who enjoys more text conversations in between dates and see how that chat goes

It’s about understanding what works for you and what you need. I’m an inconsistent texter and generally would rather chat face to face on a date. Some days at work I just don’t get chance to reply to messages but other days I might be quieter and can reply straight away. I tell new people early on to not to expect instant replies and loads of messages as it’s just not me.

Yeah I get that. Sometimes he won’t text me until afternoon or evening but the tone of the messages stays the same so it’s consistent in that way. I sometimes get a morning text from him but I would prefer the morning texts to be a bit more consistent.

Tell him?

Then tell him that!

I'm anxious in relationships, so now I'm open about what I need from someone. If they can't or won't provide that then step away, but no one is psychic

I would agree with the others to a certain extent that he won't know what feels good for you re texting he won't telepathically know that a lag or lack of texts makes you feel anxious unless you have a chat about it.

You also can relax and forget the over-texty nobs of the past and see where this thing goes. Your anxiousness isn't visible to him so you could try to relax between texts and not read anything into the frequency but focus more on the content and your real life comms and interactions.

I say this as someone who also has enjoyed the constant all day textathons with ultimately bad men or bad matches and am now enjoying a more relaxed text style with a new man. I think it's good practice for me to feel the anxiety when the days pass without a response, then park it forget about it and turn to not caring if he replies or not which he always does and then enjoy his latest missive.
He's busy and focussed as am I and a major mistake of the last was investing way too much way too soon.

As a top tip I mute or archive the chat so i don't see it amongst the others and have read receipts etc all turned off so I neither know or care when he reads my message. This helps

I do want to tell him and have the conversation, but I kind of don’t feel like I’ve been dating him long enough to be able to ask that though?