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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I forget about toxic friend?

15 replies

1994girl · 22/08/2022 08:16

I have known this woman for almost 10 years.. She has two children which I've been there for over the years, babysat, bought them bday/Christmas presents etc. She has mental health problems and I've always been there to listen to her. It was getting to the point she was ringing me nearly everyday whilst at work which started to annoy me. I have always felt like her life was on my shoulders, like she was a burden on me. But I went through a traumatic birth beginning of last month, and was high on morphine. She messaged me asking why I had a c section. I was about to reply when the nurse came in to talk to me, so I decided to reply to her when she had left. I got a text 10 minutes later from her saying can't be bothered texting back then don't even look at that message. I apogised to her and explained and said about my traumatic birth. I don't think she even read the message. We haven't spoken since and that was over a month ago now. Its been brilliant to be honest, I don't know why I used to pussyfoot around her, apologising for things and feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Her little daughters birthday is coming up middle of September. Boyfriend says I shouldn't message or send a card as she hasn't bothered with me. I know its not her child's fault but any advice? I am also regularly in contact with her sister and Mum so it's really hard.

OP posts:
Darkness22 · 22/08/2022 08:20

My instinct would be to pass a card to her mum or sister, but then I'd worry that she might start contacting you again. She's obviously not a nice person and when you weren't useful or the attention wasn't on her she showed her true colours.

In fact, as you don't want her in your life again, I'd just leave the card.

CrystalCoco · 22/08/2022 08:26

I'd let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe it'll be a little sad for her DD on the day but with a woman like this as a mother it'll likely just be the tip of a very big iceberg.

Shocking that she hasn't been in touch since the birth of your LO, I'm guessing she didn't lose any sleep wondering about a card or gift for the birth of your baby?

And this sentence from your original post says it all really
"Its been brilliant to be honest, I don't know why I used to pussyfoot around her, apologising for things and feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

Congratulations on your baby, continue to enjoy the peace without toxic 'friend' x

Choconut · 22/08/2022 08:51

I'd just drop it, it doesn't sound like she'd appreciate the card anyway, even if it's for her daughter. If anything is said then just say you didn't think she'd want a card from you as you haven't been on speaking terms.

converseandjeans · 22/08/2022 09:32

Did she ask about how you are? Has she dropped off a card or gift for your baby? If not then I would just leave it tbh. Maybe she knows you will be too busy to listen to her problems & so can't be bothered?

1994girl · 22/08/2022 10:01

CrystalCoco · 22/08/2022 08:26

I'd let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe it'll be a little sad for her DD on the day but with a woman like this as a mother it'll likely just be the tip of a very big iceberg.

Shocking that she hasn't been in touch since the birth of your LO, I'm guessing she didn't lose any sleep wondering about a card or gift for the birth of your baby?

And this sentence from your original post says it all really
"Its been brilliant to be honest, I don't know why I used to pussyfoot around her, apologising for things and feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

Congratulations on your baby, continue to enjoy the peace without toxic 'friend' x

Thank you for all the messages and advice. She hasn't once asked how I am, how my son is. And for that it really wound me up seeing as I've been there for her children over the years. Think I'll leave getting a card, my son is my main focus now!

OP posts:
curiousitygotthebetterofme · 22/08/2022 10:09

Congratulations on your baby and hope you are doing ok!

To be honest I’d be so annoyed with her. It is clear she only cares about herself and her own needs. It’s just selfish.

I don’t like cutting people off, but if it were me, at this point, I’d seriously consider binning her off.

In regards to her DCs birthday, I can see why your boyfriend would say that and I agree with him but then as you say it’s not the child’s fault. I guess it depends on how well you know the child.

1994girl · 22/08/2022 11:52

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 22/08/2022 10:09

Congratulations on your baby and hope you are doing ok!

To be honest I’d be so annoyed with her. It is clear she only cares about herself and her own needs. It’s just selfish.

I don’t like cutting people off, but if it were me, at this point, I’d seriously consider binning her off.

In regards to her DCs birthday, I can see why your boyfriend would say that and I agree with him but then as you say it’s not the child’s fault. I guess it depends on how well you know the child.

Thank you for the advice. :) I've known the child her whole life (well she will only be three), but my 'friend' has made no contact with me whatsoever. If it doesn't interest her, she's not bothered. So now I am finally free! I would block her but would probably get grief off her Mum and sister. Might leave it a few months and then block her. Thank you x

OP posts:
caulescens · 22/08/2022 12:23

Definitely see this as a blessing. She has shown she doesn't care about you at all - and it was a very one-sided friendship.

Her DD, especially at three, won't even notice there is no present/card from you - don't allow any misplaced guilt over her birthday open the hornets nest again.

1994girl · 22/08/2022 13:58

caulescens · 22/08/2022 12:23

Definitely see this as a blessing. She has shown she doesn't care about you at all - and it was a very one-sided friendship.

Her DD, especially at three, won't even notice there is no present/card from you - don't allow any misplaced guilt over her birthday open the hornets nest again.

Thank you I feel much better after everyone's advice. ☺️

OP posts:
withgraceinmyheart · 22/08/2022 14:46

Agree with others that you shouldn’t do the card. It’s sad, but if you don’t have a friendship with the mum you can’t have one with the child.

1994girl · 30/08/2022 08:47

1994girl · 22/08/2022 08:16

I have known this woman for almost 10 years.. She has two children which I've been there for over the years, babysat, bought them bday/Christmas presents etc. She has mental health problems and I've always been there to listen to her. It was getting to the point she was ringing me nearly everyday whilst at work which started to annoy me. I have always felt like her life was on my shoulders, like she was a burden on me. But I went through a traumatic birth beginning of last month, and was high on morphine. She messaged me asking why I had a c section. I was about to reply when the nurse came in to talk to me, so I decided to reply to her when she had left. I got a text 10 minutes later from her saying can't be bothered texting back then don't even look at that message. I apogised to her and explained and said about my traumatic birth. I don't think she even read the message. We haven't spoken since and that was over a month ago now. Its been brilliant to be honest, I don't know why I used to pussyfoot around her, apologising for things and feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Her little daughters birthday is coming up middle of September. Boyfriend says I shouldn't message or send a card as she hasn't bothered with me. I know its not her child's fault but any advice? I am also regularly in contact with her sister and Mum so it's really hard.

Just an update, I didn't contact her. She blocked me about a week ago woohoooo Grin

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 30/08/2022 09:53

Woohoo that saves you the job of blocking her.
Enjoy your little one without your toxic friend ❤️

VerifiedBot2351 · 30/08/2022 10:11

I think you are right to leave it. This is a very one-sided friendship and you are better off without it.

billy1966 · 30/08/2022 10:24

Be happy at this outcome, but learn from it.

Why did you put up with so much?

You are moving into a new chapter of your life and unless you want to repeat this pattern in friendships, learn from it.

Look at the Freedomprogramme.co.uk to look at your boundaries and help with your self esteem.

No one needs friends like that in their life.

Users are ten a penny, so beware.

Congratulations and hope you are doing well.

justaladyLOL · 30/08/2022 10:30

You do not know the daughter who will not care at all that you have not sent a card
Forget it

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