Anyone awake? I’m in a mess

[pleuse]

Think my partner is an alcoholic and I’m having his baby. He’s been drinking more and more recently and cut it out after being charged with drink driving last week. Since he’s stopped (spot checks at work) he’s become worse really, in terms of temperament. Moody, offhand, even more anxious. I feel sick and stressed a lot of the time. It’s horrible. I’ve moved out to be with family and he’s not even been in touch. My head hurts so much. I’m so stressed and worried. I’m 19 weeks and don’t want a termination. I’m just a mess. Struggling.

Im sorry you’re going through a tough time. Can you talk to your family about all of this?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, OP. I don't have any useful advice to offer but just wanted to offer you a handhold and a hug until others come along. Even without him, if you want to keep the baby, you can and will make it work. Hope things start to look up for you really soon

Just to add I know someone well who split up with their boyfriend whilst pregnant. She was beyond distraught but 2 years on she is so happy, living how she wants to.

you need a good friend, family or someone with you ideally that you can rely on with you, you will be OK, you and baby are the consideration and priority here and nothing else at the moment and for the immediate term.

consider his situation as an illness, it’s unlikely to improve short term and may need to get worse before it gets better if your thoughts are proven correct and he needs professional help to try and regain control.

you have to invest in you at the moment. He is an adult but it won’t be until he recognises himself that he has a problem might he try and do something about it and you can only wait for that recognition to begin it not in your control unfortunately

please don’t fret, don’t stress, you can get through this, take care now

Thanks. I’m just so shocked. How did I not see it etc. Looking back I can see it now. He’s not coping though and I feel angry/disappointed and worried for him at the same time. I would never have ttc had I known this

@Richielogic thanks. He doesn’t see he has a problem and referred to it as a one off. I just feel so cheated. How could he keep this from me and do this when I’m pregnant.

The problem is that when you're an alcoholic your primary relationship- what your life is centered around - is drinking.

You and the baby are simply not as important as drinking. This is how he can dismiss the problem and can put drinking ahead of all other concerns.

You need to dump this man and reach out to your family for help.

If he sobers up and realises what he stands to lose he will come after you. If he chooses alcohol you are well rid.

He’s stopped because he has to at work. It’s just turned him into an even moodier person. I don’t think he gives two hoots about us. I never saw this coming. Will stay with family for the foreseeable. Just totally devastated. Xx

Im sorry that’s so hard. You’ve done the best thing which is to take control and move out so you can be in charge of your own life.

At the moment no he doesn't give too hoots because all he cares about is having a drink.

You need to look after you and your baby, you cannot help him, he has to choose to take action.

If he will talk to you then get him to make a Dr's appointment, he can get medication to help him cope with the side effects of withdrawal and also to cut down the cravings.

I will repeat you need to look after yourself.

Although it seems like everything is out of your control at the moment, you have already taken control, you’ve done the hardest part and moved out. That’s an amazing step. You have taken control of your life and your child’s. It’s better you have done this now because 6 months down the line, you’ll have a baby and a partner who cannot or will not be there to support you because alcohol comes first. Unfortunately I’m speaking from experience.

He won’t be able to wake up to support you with nightfeeds or changes, he can’t help with driving, family money will go on alcohol first. The effect on your mental health and self worth will be life changing.

His behaviour now is awful because he is being forced to address it, (due to the conviction) and he doesn’t want to address it. There’s the old saying that you have to reach rock bottom to get help, but in my experience sometimes that isn’t enough. Some people just can’t give it up.

You have your whole life ahead, a new, exciting life, as does your child. It sounds like you have family support too and believe me, the hardest part is done. You left. Many can’t do this.

This is HIS PROBLEM TO SOLVE. You absolutely cannot fix this.

Good luck! You are stronger than you realise!

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

This...

its horrible i know but it’s only when he knows he has a problem might he do something about it and come after you but even then the journey will be challenging.

yes caught at work but how many times before and got away with it. As I say you need to treat as an illness. this will take time. He won’t see anything other than the drink if dependant on it.

for now the focus can ONLY be on you and the baby. You have the strength to do this. You can do it.

I think maybe all you can do for him now is to suggest to him that the reason he is struggling is because he has had his life crutch taken away. At the moment his need and want for alcohol will come before everything else. Offer to be supportive and go to the GP with him? If he refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem then you have done all you could, just take care of yourself and your baby. Hopefully it will dawn on him that you’re right and begin to get sober.

You have been brave and done the right thing. The ball is in his court now.

You have done the right thing, Pleuse. Focus on yourself and the baby. He/she is going to bring you great happiness.
If you haven't already, tell your doctor that the baby's father is an alcoholic. I'm no medical expert but they may do extra checks on baby to be sure all is well.
Only your partner can sort out his alcoholism. He's stopped drinking because he was found out, not because he wanted to. He will be finding it very hard to cope with and if he has any sense, will seek medical support.
Hurtful though it is, his only thoughts will be about himself at the moment, not about anyone else. Probably full of self pity and resentment. He will be missing the drink more than missing you.
You can't change that so instead make plans for yourself and baby.