Has anyone had any success or a positive outcome with marriage counselling

[Morielle]

Yeah, my relationship - my marriage isn't going so well. Since DD was born (She's nearly 4) we haven't had sex. At first I think it was due to breastfeeding and co sleeping but I just never returned to the master bedroom and I just don't think I want to.
We've started bickering a lot and once little one is asleep we don't spend any of our down time together.
What we do is spend weekends together with DD outside doing stuff in the garden or taking trips.. we do loads with DD as a family and get on mostly fine during this time. We still do kind things for each other like make meals and pick up things the other one really likes. Send funny articles to each other and share chores.

I recently had quite a bad accident and he was amazing. Got me to hospital, stayed with me, ran around sorting out everything. He was really loving and kind.
When I hug him I think 'ooh he's a lovely man'. I love him as my child father and he's a really good bloke.. very hard working, very amusing, amazing dad, he's kind and our political views are the same.. we agree easily... but, there's no passion and we're so stale with each other.. Is there any hope?
Has anyone had some positive results from marriage counselling?

If you both want to do something about it then yes it could help.

if one of you has already checked out of the relationship then perhaps not.

if it literally just is that thing have gotten ‘stale’ then there probably is a chance.

Have you spoken to him about how he thinks the relationship is going?

^^ just to add that I think it’s pretty normal for relationships to become ‘stale’ with small children. Mine certainly did and quite a few of my friends. I’d ask him how he feels about it all though and work from there.

No sex for four years is my worry.. is that normal or ok? I have said to him a couple of times that things are not ok and we should face it but he seems to think we're alright, we've made a commitment and we've got our DD to think of.
The bickering can get really nasty but five minutes later we both move on.
I think he would do couples counselling if I asked him.
Sex isn't important to me.. he never initiated it before but would always be up for it if I was. I just don't feel sexual after becoming a mum, it's really the last thing I can be arsed to do at the end of a day.
I haven't checked out entirely but I'm becoming more concerned if we should carry on like this.. in a sort of half marriage

We had counselling years ago and are still together. Looking back I think we had both decided we didn't really want to split and the counselling confirmed that.

But no sex for four years is definitely not normal and you are right to be concerned. He sounds very passive - why did he never initiate? Have you discussed it? Men generally need - ahem - relief regularly and if he is not doing it with you then why not? And how is he doing it? It sounds as though you do not understand each others needs and expectations - counselling could help with this if you are able to be frank and open with each other and the counsellor.

You have an awful lot going right in your relationship that would be a shame to throw away. Are you physically intimate outside of the bedroom - hugs and kisses? If not, maybe you could start with that to get used to the physical touch of each other again. It sounds like you get on with and respect each other, so I'd say there's definitely a chance to pull this back. Best of luck!

You say there’s no passion between you but it appears to me that neither of you want it?

You don’t feel sexual, he never initiates and actually said he’s happy without it. I’m not judging, there are people who just don’t want/need sex.

Maybe you’re one of those couples?

What are your expectations regarding counselling - do you want to revive your sex life? Do you want sex just not with him?

Do you feel real love for him but just not passionate romantic love?

Yes I love him and I care for his well being very much. But it's like we're friends or worse - family! We're both operating as if being in a relationship and raising a child together without being physical with each other is normal. It's hard to talk about and raise with him. It's stating the obvious and it's awkward and hurtful to spell it out to him.
I assume we're both sorting ourselves out when it comes to our 'needs'.
I think both of our sex drives must be pretty low. We hug and kiss good night. He gives amazing foot massages as he knows it helps with my monthly pain and general relaxation.
It makes me sad for him that I'm not feeling sexual.. I must have been so instinctively fixated on becoming a mother and that's what drove my libido before. Now I'm a mother it's like I'm done.
If I was with a different type of guy i guess the relationship would be over but my guy is the maintaining the status quo, I think because he loves me and our child and because it's better to keep our nice little life as it is than break it apart.. just over sex?

I think it is possible to get libido back. I’ve experienced that. It wasn’t as off the cards as you are describing in my relationship but I really struggled with sex with DH after having kids and after many, many difficult conversations and yes ones that hurt a lot as we expressed our feelings to one another we got it back on track. It took a long time but we have more kids so that was always going to knock things back after each pregnancy. We didn’t have therapy but we did probably have the conversations together that a therapist might drag out of us. Best of luck.

Yes to counseling. If the therapist is really bad you can bond over hating them.

Do you want any more children?

Oh gosh, I was like this. Unfortunately I went through a phase of really wanting sex and DH didn't. It almost caused the end of the marriage, but like your DH mine is also a really really good guy. I think he just has a lower sex drive.

Anyway, marriage counseling worked. We learned to communicate better.

And also, I was in a serious car accident, think coma, ICU, 6 months in hospital, 18 months in a wheelchair. He was my absolute rock.

I am so so glad that I didn't throw it away for sex. I know how important sex is in a relationship, I'm not knocking it, but my life has changed completely and I'm happy to have him by my side. I love him like crazy and don't want to grow old with anyone else.

If he is willing to go to therapy, then yes! Do it.

I think marriages come in different shapes and forms. But we are made to think it has to include everything - partnership, companionship, and wild sex.
But
If neither of you are feeling sexual - it should be OK. You both have that right. And I am sorry you feel the pressure - because you think it is ‘half a marriage’. It isn’t. It’s your marriage - the way you two want it at this moment.

If one of the partner had a libido, while the other didn’t - then of course there is an issue to fix. But you don’t have that issue.

Many women have lower libido after kids. It may or may not come back. If you miss it and want you work on that - I don’t think it’s marriage counselling that you need. Its a bit more adult time away from your child - so that you can start remembering how you used to be as a person, not just a mother.
Personally - my libido started recovering when my babies were not babies anymore and started becoming a bit more independent and needing me less. It might happen to you too.

I’d not start rocking your boat over this now. It’s not broken. Nothing to fix.